Matt Helm - ProfilesArchive

About Me

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A few ground rules for the uninitiated:

First of all, hi and welcome. Thanks for coming aboard. I look forward to taking the opportunity to talk here about things anything and everything with witty, smart people (as all my friends are).

It may not always be brilliant. It may not always be profound, however I hope it WILL be entertaining and spark debate and in the end, you'll feel like a better person for having read it, or something. Whatever.

Political correctness where everybody loves everybody and respects them as humans or organizations and therefore does not insult anyone's beliefs and stuff? You won't find it here. An excellent page for that is...well I have no idea. Probably something by someone really into Jesus and what not. Life is too short to ponder it.

I had once wanted to name my page Canuck Disco Fever Party. I just thought it sounded "Catchy". Then decided that would be foolish. This page will from here-on in have no affiliation with Disco at all what so ever, unless it is mentioned in the derogative.

In fact there is really no danger of it anyway, as in 1980, a court case found that Disco Fever was indeed dead and was going to stay that way (RE: The Entire Fucking Population of the Planet Earth v. The Village People, 1980, Fire Island District Court, where it was found that you can, indeed, through legal means, "Stop the Music")

Also,If I am ranting about some company that I detest (such as Mr. Goudas and his "Foods" which I promise you, you will hate as much as I do soon) and I suggest they "blow me", "suck my dick" or "go blow a pig", I am merely intending to offend.

In reality, I do not wish for a public relations person from said organization to appear at my front door and begin to fellate me (or a pig). The other people with whom I reside would be somewhat displeased if that happened. Besides, there are motels for that, so I hope you have a great time at a motel blowing a pig, Mr. Goudas.

My Interests

"Condensed Classics with Dave Shaw" Part One of Three. Join Dave and his guest, the lovely Nina, as they wait out a rampaging zombie horde! This show aired for three years on Movieola The Short Film Channel. Yes, I know you never heard of it. It was on Canadian Cable TV. That's why.

Here lieth Part 2.

Can your heart stand the SHOCKING CONCLUSION????

I'd like to meet:

There's a quote in "Beetlejuice":

"Well I read through that handbook for the recently deceased, it says live people ignore the strange and unusual. I myself am strange and unusual."

So...that's where I stand on that one.

Music:

Dean Martin, The Ramones, The Smiths, The Cure, Talking Heads, Frank, The Killers, Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen, Sting, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Julee Cruise, Scissor Sisters, Bobby Darin, Patsy Cline, Green Day, Beatles, Duran Duran, Bryan Ferry, The Housemartins, Angelo Badalamenti, Henry Mancini, John Barry, Fantomas, Sex Pistols, Jane Wiedlin, the Strokes

Movies:

By no means an exhaustive listing, and in on particular order. That could really take years out of our lives: Mulholland Drive, Blue Velvet, Touch of Evil, Fletch, Blow Out, Ed Wood, Dressed to Kill, Body Double, The Untouchables, Spider Baby, The Matt Helm series, anything with the spy with the licence to kill especially On Her Majesty's Secret Service (Except for the new guy, can't say I like him much), To Live and Die in LA, Shock Treatment, Streets of Fire, Shock Corridor, Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill!, Into The Night, The Cannonball Run, 1941, The Blues Brothers, Once Upon A Time in America, John Carpenter's Halloween, John Carpenter's the Fog, John Carpenter's the Thing, Magnolia, Boogie Nights, Hard Eight, Sharkey's Machine, Twin Peaks Fire Walk With Me, Wild At Heart, Lost Highway, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Pulp Fiction, Coffy, Demolition Man (it really is good, believe me), Parents, Pep Squad, Pin, Carnival of Souls

If movies were served at the bar (and God knows everything should be) I'd like my action straight up, my drama with a twist, and my comedy like my coffee: jet black.

Television:

Also: Pushing Daisies, Boston Legal ("Denny Crane!"), The Office, 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Family Guy, old school SNL, and of course, Condensed Classics

Heroes:

The truly cool have no heroes.

My Blog

On old men and TV

- I saw half of the movie "Venus" the other night. Why only half? Because I have a pretty strong stomach and this thing was grossing me right the fuck out. In case you don't know about it, "Venus" con...
Posted by Matt Helm on Tue, 13 May 2008 12:38:00 PST

"DRIVE" she said...

Brittany Murphy. What do those words mean to me?...well, not really a hell of a lot, but ya see, she's in this great 1997 movie called "Drive" and sadly, she's the only one in it who went on to ...
Posted by Matt Helm on Fri, 02 May 2008 10:29:00 PST

Scorpion: A movie that time was nice enough to forget.

I have a friend who will see any 80's/90's horror movie. The plot doesn't matter, as long as it has lots of gore. Be it asinine, poorly acted, badly shot, or just patently riduiculous, he'll see it.&n...
Posted by Matt Helm on Mon, 21 Apr 2008 09:34:00 PST

Web 2.0...what is it?

To put it in the proverbial nutshell, it's all about direct communication with your audience. You may already have been using aspects of Web 2.0 without being aware of it. When the Internet, or Wo...
Posted by Matt Helm on Fri, 11 Apr 2008 09:40:00 PST

FOOD BASTARDS!!!!

I don’t know if any of you are familiar with the passionate enemnity I feel for that mother fucker Mr. Goudas, who continues to foist his pathetic excuse for "food" at us, but I have happily fou...
Posted by Matt Helm on Sat, 15 Mar 2008 05:42:00 PST

AT LAST! Help for the hair challenged!

Dear Friends,Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought to yourself "Gee. I have a pretty darn homosexual hair style, but it's just not homosexual enough!" Have you ever been hanging out with frie...
Posted by Matt Helm on Fri, 18 Jan 2008 11:43:00 PST

Bret Easton Ellis: More Than Zero

Bret Easton Ellis has received, and many have said, has courted, controversy since the release of his first novel Less Than Zero (1985), published while he was still a college student. It was his thir...
Posted by Matt Helm on Sat, 12 Jan 2008 12:51:00 PST

A Note To The Web Sluts Clogging Up My In Box

Dear Web Sluts,There seems to be a rather large growth in the number of emails I have been receiving lately from those of you young ladies who would either like me to check out your web cam, or marry ...
Posted by Matt Helm on Fri, 21 Dec 2007 06:37:00 PST

Mulholland Drive- Hollywoods Fever Dream of the Broken Hearted

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD Director David Lynch famously refuses to make any attempt to explain his work, believing it should stand on its own. As such, he will not theorize when asked by interview...
Posted by Matt Helm on Sun, 25 Nov 2007 09:52:00 PST

7 Weird Things

Here are 7 weird things about me. So, if you read this, you have to reply, ditto. Apparently, I am supposed to choose seven people to react to it. but baby, whoever wants to is A-OK by me. Love ya all...
Posted by Matt Helm on Sat, 06 Oct 2007 08:49:00 PST