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I'm a Pimp, like it or not!!!
Step 1:
Now, listen real closely, because looking like a pimp is the most important step in your journey to pimpdom. People will never know that you're a pimp unless you look like one. You want to look like you're ready to do anything or anyone. Alright now, the first thing that you're gonna need is a pimpin' hairdo. You need a cool hairdo: something that says "Hey, Im a pimp. Would you like to do it doggy style with me?". Personally, I recommend the afro. I used to sport it during my golden years. The perm or corn rows work well too. Sideburns are a necessity. Nothing says pimp like some big sideburns. And, no, mullets and ponytails are NOT acceptable.After you've got the hairdo down, you need to pick up some big pimpin' threads. Fur coats work best. Its physically impossible to not score when wearing a fur coat. Unless you're Tony Danza. Under the fur coat, put on a disco shirt, some skin-tight flares, and approximately 4.8 pounds of jewelry. Top it all off with some nice leather boots, and you'll be a pimp in no time. But dressing like a pimp isn't all there is to it.
Step 2:
After you've got the pimp look down, you need to learn to talk like a pimp. First, the voice. You wanna talk in a low, throaty voice like Isaac Hayes or Barry White. No, a voice like Bob Saget doesn't cut it. Stand in front of the mirror for 15 minutes everyday, practicing your voice.Alright. So you've got the voice down. Time to learn the 10 sentences you will ever need to know as a pimp. The only things you will ever need to say as a pimp are:
"It is my duty to please that booty."
"Hello, sweet thang."
"Bitch, you know what I want."
"Where's my money?"
"Let's do it. Doggy Style."
"Who's your daddy?"
"Hi, My name's John and I'm an alcoholic"
"Say what? You're a nun?"
"Word."
"Baby, if you were a booger, I'd pick you first."
Good. Say each one of these ten times each. Then have an ice cream sandwhich to celebrate.
Step 3:
It is the moment you have all been waiting for. Yes, my man, you have finally reached the last step in your quest to reach eternal pimpdom. There is but one last thing you have to learn before you go out into the world and show off all of your new pimp skills. Its the most important tool a pimp will ever use. It's time to learn how to make hot sweet monkey love.First off, you need a woman. A pretty one, preferably. If you don't have a woman, a dog will suffice. Buy her some roses, maybe some chocolates, maybe even some bowling gloves. You know, all the good stuff. Serve some chilled champagne. At this time, it is not okay to grab her boobies. Begin to sweet talk her. Tell her that her dress is very becoming on her (then add that if you were on her, you'd be cumming too). Kiss her. Start to take off her clothes. At this time, it is okay to grab her boobies. Caress her, feel every part of her body. Good. You've just made love like a pimp. If you're lucky, she'll let do you do it doggy style.Well, you are now officially a pimp. Congratulations. I permit you to go outside and start pimpin'.
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