It is fitting, one should think, that the life of Jack Colwell be shortly chronicled on this, the eve of his 17th year; seventeen, of course, being the number of conquest. Any soul lucky enough to have been graced by Mr. Colwell will know that, through sheer Madonna-like fortitude and the sharp wit of a circus clown on crack, he overcomes all (including the final level of Hello Kitty Roller Rescue, a fine achievement indeed).
Born to the rhythmic stylings of Brenda and Peter in an effort to ward of the unsettled spirits said to inhabit their then small but humble home in a remote outback shantytown, it has often been wondered, amongst his close friends and family whether the aforementioned unsettled spirit in fact took hold during Jack’s conception, which might explain his demonic-like obsession with fairy floss and all things powder blue. Strangeness aside, Jack was a healthy, if somewhat chubby, little boy.
To record every stage of his life would be an epic in and of itself, so perhaps I will share an anecdote or two, recently relayed to me during an interview with his great aunt, Angus. According to her, when Jack was perhaps 8 or 9 and his family had moved to live on a mungbean commune in country Victoria, he suffered a psychotic episode believed to have been induced by an overdose in a compound found in the beans. Deciding he was in fact John Farnham reborn, Jack went about advertising and performing his “One Last Time†final tour, which travelled the country for 8 and a half months, concluding with a grand concert at the Entertainment Centre in Sydney. Tickets for all the shows sold out within hours of sales opening and, perhaps strangely, the few demands for refunds came from disgruntled punters who suffered diaorreah from the dim sims served in the foyer.
Bringing us to the present, Jack clearly learnt something from his brief musical episode, as can be seen by his burgeoning recording career. Tapping out such classics as “I never loved your motherâ€, “I had sex with a cartoon character†and, this writer’s favourite, “Go Timtam go!†it’s quite obvious that we have a star in the making amongst us. Where will the future take our young adventurer? Only time or Miss Cleo can tell. One thing is for sure, this boy certainly likes his powder blue fairy floss.
- Gavin Thomas, Journalist Q Magazine
BAMF! lyts,,
