Lord Ashleigh Sparks

I was born seven months early at a small resort on the Isle of Mann. Mother and father had gone on holiday to visit my good uncle Wilburforce and his wife Edna. Edna was still recovering from wounds she received defending Wilburforce from a marauding band of Egyptian school children during the Suez Canal Crisis. You see, Wilburforce was the the last white man in Cairo -- he ran a very large candy factory in the middle of the Medina, where confections very similar to Smarties were made by children very similar to robots. In the morning, the children would poor the sugar-infused goat's milk into a titanium mold. As the candies were drying into the hardened disks that the whole world knows and loves, the children would attend English classes taught by Edna. After 12 hours of English drills, the children would return to the factory floor, squat like apes, and roll the thousands of newly hardened Smarties into their clear plastic wrappers. As the British Army was paradropping into the north side of the canal, the children were just finishing up with their English lessons and marching back to the factory floor in formation. An English soldier suddenly descended into the factory complex and immediately began shooting at the children, who ran pell-mell about the walled compound and attempted to hide behind my uncle for protection. Uncle Wilburforce was a crafty old devil and he dived into the dirt, using the bodies of the colonial children as a human shield for protection from the hail of English bullets. Edna screemed from the factory classroom, "Wilbie, but you must remember your cholic." My dear old uncle was very prone to bilious humours, and this prevented him from truly using the children as a bullet-proof shield lest that aggravate his condition, so Edna threw herself into the fray to shield my uncle from the hail of bullets and the children.So when we got to the Isle of Man, Edna was very much screwed up. I don't remember this because I was very much in my mother's womb (but not for long). Anyhow, I was born very early because my mother had a predilection for both riding and collecting unicycles. It was on one such dew-dabbed, misty, unicycle morning that mother was bouncing along the pier on the Isle of Mann when she felt brief pangs. Shortly thereafter, I was born while my parents were eating lunch at a local fish and chips shop.After growing from my birthweight of 6 ounces to a hefty weight of 7 pounds, my parents decided that I was destined for America. They placed me in a shoe box and sent me accross the Atlantic to attend the Phillip-Morris Academy in West-Easthaven, Connecticut. West-Easthaven was a delight. I was 27 years old and in the prime of my life. Rather than simply inherit my lordship and wealth from my father, Lord Percival Sparks, I felt that I must pursue that truly American goal: financial independence. Not mother, not father, not uncle Wilbie, not auntie Edna could hold me back. I got a job at Glickman's, where I have been working for the past 72 years, in the men's accessories department. Another decade and they'll make me a manager!