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About Me

Constant sex is all very fine,but are you happy? Well yes,maybe you are,but I really think you should glance out the window once in awhile and make sure there are enough peanuts in the bird feeder otherwise the tits will move elsewhere.And then you'll be sorry. (This message was sponsored by the RSPB,or to be accurate,was done to impress this woman I know who's led me to believe that a man who feeds birds is more likely to be a considerate lover and take the time to satisfy her orally.Frankly I think the correlation is dubious,and maybe I simply misinterpreted what she said,but the long and the short of it is that it wouldn't hurt you to feed the fucking birds.) On an unrelated note guess who bought another bird feeder this afternoon.Much like Homer's bedside reading material is usually a cereal packet,tonight my chosen literature will be a packet of peanuts.Quote: Feeding wild birds will increase the varieties that visit your garden and greatly improves their survival rates during harsh conditions.It also enhances their success rates during the breeding season,which may or may not rub off on the person doing the feeding.The thing is,you might get laid,so quit reading this guff and kindly buy the bloody peanuts.

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

That man who came to clean my swimming pool and stole all the fucking water.

My Blog

47 Things That Annoy Me

1. Cheetahs.55mph? Pah! It may be fuel efficient but it's not fucking fast. 2. Killjoys.Both my best friends were called Joy and they were both killed,one of them by TV's Peter Purves.It's a fucking ...
Posted by on Sat, 11 Mar 2006 20:46:00 GMT

Stars (In My Eyes)

My dear friends,I have been blessed with a gift,a talent which I have been hiding for too long.You see,not only am I a highly entertaining skiffle frontman,but I am also a clairvoyant,I can see into t...
Posted by on Mon, 30 Jan 2006 13:03:00 GMT

My New Loves

I have found a purpose in life.I will meet and fall in love with the clipboard girls on Price-Drop TV. You do know Price-Drop TV,don't you? It's on Channel 24 on Freeview.I don't know if it's on Sky,I...
Posted by on Wed, 25 Jan 2006 12:37:00 GMT

Screen Burn

It's celebrity Big Brother tonight and Micheal Barrymore is rumoured to be appearing.Personally I likes the Barrymore.More sinned against than sinning in my book.Who here hasn't thrown an alcohol and ...
Posted by on Thu, 05 Jan 2006 11:13:00 GMT

Only in dreams,beautiful dreams...

Last night I went back to university which,given my less than auspicious record there,was a bit daunting.No need to worry as Stephen Fry was waiting for me with a bottle of pink champagne. L...
Posted by on Wed, 04 Jan 2006 12:11:00 GMT

New Years Resoloutions

Don't buy quite so much cottage cheese next Christmas Eve,even if it has been reduced to 10p a tub.Write a vehicle for Vinnie Jones in which he plays an ex-footballer who gets typecast in movies about...
Posted by on Mon, 02 Jan 2006 12:16:00 GMT

Organ-ic Medicine

I would like to talk to you about the serious subject of organ donation and the importance of carrying an Organ donor Card.Last summer I had a very serious accident involving a revolving door,a mime a...
Posted by on Thu, 10 Nov 2005 12:20:00 GMT