we will self destruct

Some notable highlights of my time as a human being so far:
Aged 3 I was treated for a potential case of rabies by a Tunisian school teacher who claimed to be a doctor.
I was first published at the age of 7 when a joke I stole from a joke book was printed in Disney Magazine. I have not been published (at least on paper) again since. I figure once you’ve scaled the dizzy heights, why would you want to slum it? I am, however, still awaiting my Pulitzer.
At 9 I was one of only three cub scouts in my troop to get the green athletics badge. I suspect that if I tried to meet the same criteria today, I would likely only get the red one, or possibly squeak the yellow.
I saw my first dead body dragged up on a Turkish beach right in front of me when I was 12. Somebody attempted to revive her. The effect of giving mouth to mouth to somebody who has ingested lungfuls of water is not unlike blowing into a drinks carton straw, although the sea water was white and foamy.
At the age of 16 I was part of a widespread search party that unsuccessfully explored the streets of Prague hunting for a missing ‘cellist.
Aged 18 I was once locked in a safe that was barely big enough for me. But the joke was on them because there was still lots of money in there with me, although unfortunately nowhere to spend it.
When I was 22 I won a camcorder in a competition that I don’t even remember entering. It was shit and I’ve never used it.
Aged 27 I accidentally found myself in Hitler’s favourite pub. Although attempts to disguise the swastikas on the ceiling had been made, they were not entirely successful.
When I was 28 I was asked if I would like to introduce Bon Jovi at their induction into the UK Music Hall of Fame. I declined.
I have, in my past, played the Royal Albert Hall twice and the Royal Festival Hall more times than I can count. My so-called talents included ‘cello, guitar, piano, singing and the triangle. I’m an awful singer and have never had any formal triangle training.
It is my wholehearted intention to undertake a road trip across the States some time in the next two or three years. But then that’s been my intention for the better part of the last decade.
I have never been involved in a football riot, but I guess I’m still fairly young.
The only citrus I like in savoury cooking is lime. You show me something hot with oranges in it, and I’ll show you how projectile vomiting can be like a fireworks display. Lemon is good in cheesecake.
I am dangerously obsessed with the band Muse. As yet there are no restraining orders but I have a lawyer on speed dial just in case.
The way to my heart is Chinese takeaways and American muffins. Or through my chest.
I have never been abducted by aliens. Which is a shame as I’d like to travel more.
I’m about 90% certain that you’re all just actors in my own personal Truman Show. Tell me: what happens when the ratings start to slide?
Every now and then I take photos of stuff.
Yeah that's right. Two different maps. They work slightly differently and I'm trying to choose which to use, if either. This decision will be based on a number of factors, not least of which will be whether they actually work or not. Believe me, I don't have a good track record with these things...
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