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Hi. My name is Jesus Christ. I've been living in hiding for the last couple thousand years, laying low awaiting the right time to reveal myself - kind of like a divine undead ninja.

A lot of people have been wondering why I haven't made myself visible in awhile. Well, the fans started getting a little creepy. You can only imagine the stalkers a guy like me had! Everywhere I went people kept asking me to heal them or transmute their stuff into something better. At first I obliged. I thought turning water into wine was a great party trick. Made me laugh every time! Man, you should have seen the looks on people's faces when they thought I came to drink all their beer, but then *poof* I started just generating wine by the gallon! I was a pretty popular guy and life was ok.

After awhile it started to get out of hand. Word spread. I'd try to go out for a beer with my friends, check out the ladies, maybe do a little karaoke, and every time someone would come ask me to heal them. Like I want to hear about your bleeding pus-filled boils when I'm trying to have a night on the town! A crowd would always form and we'd have to move on. When I started to refuse my services, people got really weird. I tried imparting wisdom to confuse them, but it wasn't enough. They started collecting things I touched . Things were pretty intense.

I saw my opportunity with the whole crucifixion thing that was pretty popular in those days. A couple of friends and I worked out a deal with some Romans. The plan was that I would be accused of some trumped-up crimes and "crucified", but the whole thing would be staged ! Everyone would think I died, but really I would be smuggled out of the country after dark to start a new life under a new name. Beautiful! We worked out all of the details and I fronted almost all of my life savings. Then things started to go awry. First, the idiots we cut the deal with neglected to inform the right people and I ended up actually getting crucified. Man, did that suck! I thought dying would be the end, but no. Instead, the same super powers that allowed me to get drunk on water caused me to rise up as the holy undead!

Well, I was pretty pissed off at that point. I mean, I was broke, undead, afraid to show my face for fear of the crowd of nutjobs who were really riled up by my crucifixion, and dude, let me tell you, crucifixion leaves some nasty wounds! Ouch! So, I decided to hide out for a little while and recuperate. Then the wacky hijinks commenced.

I met up with some friends a few times hoping for some more bright ideas, but they were kind of freaked out at my being undead. They wanted to poke at my wounds and stuff. I gave up on the whole scene and took off overseas. I was hoping the whole crucifixion fiasco would blow over and I could come back to a somewhat normal life. It became obvious that this wasn't going to be the case.

I ended up touring around the Americas for awhile. Unfortunately, I ran into some guy who recognized me and started yet another wacky cult in my name. I gave up on leading a normal life and secluded myself in a secret lair I built up north. It's cold here and it pisses me off.

These days I spend a lot of my time at my computer deep within the bowels of the Holy Lair. I thought I'd cash in on all the excitement I created by peddling a little merch online , but everyone just expects me to give and give. As if the whole "dying for your sins" thing wasn't enough. Hmph, some people.

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