Kevin - ProfilesArchive

About Me

Because no-one uses Myspace any more and they've got those wriggly text things to check whether you're a robot or not, anyone can add me now. But at least read my blogs. The whole point of myspace is self-promotion, innit.On a Summer's Day in 1987, I was concieved, in what was a masterful display of my speed and tactics as a sperm. Less than 9 months later, on the 15th of February, 1988, I was born, kicking and squealing, completely naked and covered in embryonic fluid. From these icky beginnings, it looked unlikely that, one day, I'd grow up to get the Gold Medal in Olympic figure-skating.19 years later, it looked even more unlikely. The once ugly, slimy baby now would rather smoke a joint than put on his ice-skates and look stupid. And totally gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. But still. Fuck the inability for paragraph breaks here. Reading in paragraphs is where it's at.I'm so great that I'm going to put a picture of myself here rather than any quiz results or links or anything. Just me. Actually, it's me skinning up on a cop car; such a picture amply illustrates how badass I am. Most of my blogs are hilarious stories. Hilarious is a subjective term. Almsost every story of mine can be found if you click on that badassed picture above, including ones that I haven't posted on myspace

My Interests

Beer, weed, Heavy Metal

I'd like to meet:

Adolf Hitler, just to slap him about a bit. Actually, you're probably supposed to put in some female characteristics in this bit, rather than any semi-funny answer, so yeah - I dunno, fuck you. I don't want to meet anyone off myspace. Also, despite this profile, and despite my use of racist words and stereotypes and everything and despite that I might be giving off some racist aura, racists are totally fucking gay - no joke. As are homophobes, actually, but 'gay' is quite a useful all-purpose derogatory word. And blacks are totally gay too.

Music:

Last Fm

Movies:

South Park - Bigger, Longer and Uncut, American History X, American Beauty, Slashers, Saw 1 and 2, Team America World Police, Leon (what a fucking film), Gladiator, K-pax, Sean of the Dead, Battle Royal, Zombie Flesh Eaters, Evil Dead, Cannibal Holocaust, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, Evil Aliens, Snakes on a Plane, Eraser, Terminator 1 and 2, Ichi the Killer, and almost anything with a lot of kills and blood and sadistic torture.

Television:

Southpark comes first. King of the Hill is also brilliant. Cheaters, Cops, old school Jerry Springer, Cow and Chicken, Ed, Edd and Eddy, the Powerpuff Girls, World's Wildest Police Videos, World's Most Amazing Videos, The Simpsons, Family Guy, the Fresh Prince of Bell Air and other such shows contribute to my brain rotting TV habit. Sometimes I try to watch a weighty drama, but... nah. I watch shite. I can tolerate smart movies with subtle subplots and drama and romance and shit, just not TV shows.

Books:

I usually read dark books or books that give you a bit of a headfuck, like the Dice Man, Heart of Darkness, Lord of the Flies, The Wasp Factory, and the like. I don't like fantasy books like Lord of the Rings, although I've read every Harry Potter book so far. But you just feel inclined too, don't you? I mean, they're not very good really.

Heroes:

My heros are the people who are out there every day, making a difference and saving lives. The police force aren't that great though. They've never helped me once, they've always just made my life a little harder. But it'd be cool being a fireman, but I think I've probably missed that opportunity, being unhealthy and everything. The only sportsmen I respect are in combat sports like boxers and kickboxers and people in the UFC - they fight through the pain, they've got a real urge to win, and they're not fucking arsey fairies like footballers, who fall on the floor clutching their ankle whenever someone runs past them - they're fucking warriors who almost always have a real sense of sportsmanship. Fuck footballers. I wouldn't call boxers my heroes though - they just deserve to be bigged up on my Myspace. Decent comedians are good, too. I don't think I've got any actual heroes, but maximum respect to firemen and people who save lives, like doctors in A+E.

My Blog

A word of warning for horsefuckers

A little backstory: In my Creative Writing seminar we're supposed to write a story based on a Darwin Award (real life account of someone dying through their own stupidity), from the point of view of a...
Posted by Kevin on Wed, 27 Feb 2008 11:22:00 PST

Sexy French Pegging

I approached the familiar door and knocked on. A shapely young girl with curly brown hair answered it. She was expecting me. It only took for us to make eye contact for her to hold me by the chin and ...
Posted by Kevin on Sun, 11 Nov 2007 07:29:00 PST

Knight in Shining Armour

I was walking down the street one night, taking my arsenal to the gun amnesty at the police station, when I saw two scruffy cunts mugging an old woman at the bus stop. Fuck that shit, I thought; dirty...
Posted by Kevin on Sat, 10 Nov 2007 09:24:00 PST

I worship Jesus

I waddled to Brian. He had just finished His final hilarious musical number and was busily screaming and moaning on the cross. His hands dribbled congealed blood, His legs were stained with the last s...
Posted by Kevin on Fri, 28 Sep 2007 02:51:00 PST

I love you, baby

I put my hand into your pram and pull out your baby by its neck. It looks stupidly at me, its eyes unfocussed, its shrivelled pumpkin-head still, its body wriggling a little bit underneath. It doesn't...
Posted by Kevin on Mon, 13 Aug 2007 09:46:00 PST

You might know this joke

The BBC Director-General's door opened and a tall man in a crisp Italian suit walked in. Without prompting, he walked over to the chair in front of the desk and sat down. He was very muscular; his wid...
Posted by Kevin on Tue, 15 May 2007 12:31:00 PST

The origins of my thought processes

I'm going outside, I'm bored in a lecture, I've the mind of a killer and a child molester Fuckin' your baby daughter till I rip her cunt open Commencing the slaughter as I toss her in the oven Piss on...
Posted by Kevin on Tue, 17 Apr 2007 02:41:00 PST

Fucked with a knife

I met her at the bus stop. We were both staring into the impenetrable fog, looking for the lights of a carriage, a carriage that would take us to the next point in our miserable journey to nowhere. We...
Posted by Kevin on Wed, 11 Apr 2007 04:08:00 PST

At a music festival.

I wish I could live here. I wish music festivals lasted forever, and that I lived forever so I could experience it forever. I stare up at the ceiling. It's covered with rows of holes that let in all ...
Posted by Kevin on Sat, 03 Mar 2007 09:00:00 PST

Dignity - a story about alcohol and killing - not particularly funny

Streetlights glow. An orange light bathes the town, stifling the blackness. You sit on your doorstep, the warmth of home behind you, wind and rain pinching your cheeks. A cigarette, sodden, reaches yo...
Posted by Kevin on Sat, 13 Jan 2007 04:23:00 PST