Contact TablesI once included the name of The Love Boat's Captain Merrill Stubing in a rap.I once said to former Mayor Ed Koch: "Hey, Ed, how am I doing?"I interviewed Roger Daltrey and couldn't believe how tiny he was.If Orson Welles and Thora Birch had a child... I'd be that child. And then I'd marry myself.
I'm a former breakdancer from Hollis, Queens, who lived Graffiti Rock every bit as much as Prince Vince Gallo and Debbie Mazur.My previous jobs include groundskeeper at a mental hospital, Barney at kids' birthday parties, ghostwriter for a religious magazine, and I am currently editor-in-chief at a men's magazine.
I have two light settings in my apartment, pitch black and operating room.I have two speeds, break-neck and I-don't-wanna-go-to-church.I hate it when broadcasters use the phrase, "I'll tell you what...." It's your goddamn job to "tell us what," you moron!Paul McCartney is my fourth favorite Beatle. Bob Marley is my third favorite Wailer--after Peter and Bunny--I swear to god.
If I were on Barney Miller, I'd be Dietrich. If I were in A Tribe Called Quest, I'd be Phife. If I were in Warriors, I'd be Ajax. If I were in Citizen Kane, I'd be Joseph Cotten. If I were in Dr. Strangelove, I'd be Gen. Turgidson. If I were in Dazed and Confused, I'd be Wiley Wiggans. If I were in Abbot & Costello, I'd be Abbot. If I were a Bad News Bear, I'd be Tanner Boyle. If I were a Marx Brother, I'd be Harpo--no, Chico--no, no, I'm tired of talking--Harpo. If I were in the Damned, I'd be Captain Sensible. If I were in The Karate Kid, I'd be Johnny. If I were in The Pink Floyd, I'd be Syd Barrett. If I were a character in Nine Stories, I'd be Teddy. If I were on Freaks and Geeks, I'd be Sam. If I were in Husker Du, I'd be Grant Hart. If I were a table, I'd only have three legs. If I were a dog, I'd be a Jack Russell. If I were liquor, I'd be Jack Daniels. If I were a gun, I'd be a Mack-10. If I were a cartoon character, I'd be Yosemite Sam. If I were you, I'd send me an e-mail.
In closing... to all my fellow writers, artists, sculptors, masons, Mansons, miscreants, misanthropes, Melissa Gilberts, Mudbones, Dolemites, Dabney Colemans, Gary Colemans, Cleveland Browns, Bad Leroy Browns, Browns vs. Boards of Educations, Black Barts, Bart Giamattis, Paul Giamattis, Big Mamma Houses and black-faced minstrels, fear not. For I, your Minister of Pop Culture, am looking after you. But I think I say it best...in HAIKU form....
