Klaus

I GREW UP NOT FAR FROM THE SLAG HEAPS OF NORTH UMBERLAND. MY MOTHER WAS A SLAG TOO. I BEAT HER UP AND DOWN THE HALLWAYS TIL SHE FINALLY LET ME GO TO SCHOOL. YOU SEE, SHE WAS A BITCH AND SHE WOULDNT LET ME GO TO SCHOOL BECAUSE SHE WANTED ME IN THE HOUSEHOLD TO DO HER DIRTY WORK. HER DIRTY WORK CONSISTED OF DIGGING DITCHES TO HOLD THE STORM WATER FROM FLOODING THE FIELDS AND TENDING TO HER VICTORY GARDEN. SHE HAD A VICTORY GARDEN BECAUSE SHE WAS ALWAYS AFRAID THAT THE GESTAPO WERE GOING TO COME AND RAPE HER AND THROW HER IN PRISON. YOU SEE, SHE, IN HER MIND, WAS STILL LIVING IN GERMANY WHERE SHE WAS BORN. IN REALITY HOWEVER, WE WERE LIVING IN NORTH UMBERLAND. SHE ALSO MADE ME LAY THE BRICKWORK FOR HER KILN THAT SHE MADE POTTERY AND BREAD IN. THE DUMB BITCH PUT A THATCHED ROOF ON THE THING WHICH ENDED UP CATCHING FIRE. THAT DESTROYED THE KILN, AS WELL AS THE NEARBY SHED WE STORED THE FARM TOOLS IN. THE SHED BURNT DOWN AND ALL THE FARM TOOLS WERE RUINED. WELL, ACTUALLY NOT COMPLETELY, JUST THE HANDLES WHICH WERE MADE OUT OF WOOD. THE HEADS OF THE TOOLS WERE STILL LEFT. NOT MUCH USE, THEY WERE. SO I BEAT HER BLOODY ARSE UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN UNTIL SHE RELENTED. SHE FINALLY LEARNED THAT YOU CAN'T KEEP A WORKING MAN DOWN. AND THAT'S WHAT I LEARNED. I LEARNED THAT SHE IS LIKE A FUCKING CORPORATION, KEEPING ME DIGGING DITCHES AND SHIT LIKE THAT. SO I WENT TO SCHOOL AND I LEARNED ABOUT FRIEDRICH NIETSZCHE. I LEARNED HOW TO READ AND WRITE AND I TOOK OVER THE HOUSEHOLD. I PUT THE COWS TO WORK. I PUT THE GOATS TO WORK. I PUT THE OXEN TO WORK. I HAD THE HORSES PLOWING THE FUCKING FIELDS. I HAD THE DUCKS LAYING EGGS. I WENT OUT TO THE VILLAGE ONE DAY WITH MY RIFLE AND I ACCOSTED THE FIRST TWO VILLAGERS I SAW. I SAID TO THEM, "OI YOU. COME WITH ME AND WORK FOR A GOOD SALARY." I TOOK THEM AND BOUND THEM AND THREW THEM UP INTO MY CART. I TOOK THEM BACK TO MY FARM WHERE THEY WORKED FOR ME FOR TWO DAYS. THEN I GOT DRUNK AND THEY OVERPOWERED ME AND ESCAPED WITH ALL MY MONEY AND ALL MY POSSESSIONS. THEY KICKED ME SEVERAL TIMES AND LEFT ME TO SUFFER THE PAIN OF MY INJURIES IN THE COLD DARK CELLAR. AFTER THIS SUFFERING WAS NEARLY DONE, I WAS ABLE TO DRAG MYSELF UP THE CELLAR STAIRS. THIS WAS DIFFICULT, AS IT WAS A CIRCULAR STAIRCASE. IT IS ALWAYS EASY AS A HOPELESSLY INJURED VICTIM TO CRAWL UP A STRAIGHT STAIRCASE, BUT A CIRCULAR STAIRCASE IS MUCH MORE DIFFICULT BECAUSE ONE IS FORCED TO CONSTANTLY BE TURNING, WHICH REQUIRES EVEN MORE ENERGY. SO I GOT UP THE BLOODY STAIRCASE. AFTER I EMERGED FROM THE STAIRCASE, I FOUND THAT MY HOUSE (WELL, MY MOTHER'S HOUSE REALLY, BUT SHE WAS OUT OF THE PICTURE BY NOW) HAD BEEN RANSACKED AND STRIPPED OF ALL ITS VALUABLES, SAVE THE BOX OF PRECIOUS PEARLS I KEPT HIDDEN IN MY CLOSET. I LOVED THOSE PEARLS. AT NIGHT WHEN I KNEW MY PARENTS WERE ASLEEP, I WOULD TAKE THE PEARLS OUT OF THE CLOSET AND FONDLE THEM AND PUT THEM ON, PRETENDING TO BE AN AFFLUENT, DISTINGUISHED NOBLEWOMAN. I'M CERTAIN THAT I BENEFITED FROM THIS. SO I TOOK THE PEARLS AND I WENT TO THE VILLAGE. I EXCHANGED THIS SET OF PEARLS FOR A MULE AND A DOG CART. I PUT MY REMAINING POSSESSIONS (A SACK OF WHEAT AND A CARBINE) IN THE CART AND SET OFF, NEVER TO RETURN TO MY RUINED DWELLING. OK, I'M SPILLING MY GUTS HERE WITH THIS LIFE STORY, SO YOU'D BETTER COMMENT. I SHALL CONTINUE.