"I get so lost some times, days pass and this emptiness fills my heart when i want to run away i drive off in my car, but which ever way i go, i come back to the place you are" - Darren Hayes
What I wouldnt give to hold you again. To have you hold me and feel the love that you have for me without a word. I want to feel safe again in your arms. I wanted to believe you were never leaveing again. I instilled so much fear in myself that I pushed you away and I made my own worse fear come true. You promised me, you vowed to never leave my side, and yet, i cant blame you, i ran you away from the moment you came back in my life. i dont want you to try to save me, i want you to be my best friend like you always have been. I know now i need you. ive known this all along, but i dont need you to "fix me" i need you to hold me when i cry and reassure me everything will be okay even when you arent sure it is. I need you to sympathize even when you dont understand what im feeling. I will give you the world and more. The friendship that we share is like no other. I can not go through what I went through the last time... i know that i am stronger than i was back then and things will be different. I know that i could make it on my own, but id rather make it, with you by my side and supporting me. i dont want to hurt any more. i want my bestfriend to see that im trying the best i can. i know you will never understand the disease of addiction, but understand this, its harder than it seems, and leaving me isnt going to keep me clean. its like getting mad at some one who is in recovery from cancer, yes, I made the choice to use in the first place, and yes i wasnt recovering the way i should have been, dont punish me, i suffer from an incurable disease in which i have NO control over. i know that i can recover, but its the hardest thing im ever going to have to do. drugs are just a symptom, i have to change my whole way of thinking and thats harder than you can imagine. im trying, i really am, i love you. but i know that love alone is never enough. I dont want to do it alone... please, just be here for me the way you always have been.
"Love, I dont like to see so much pain, so much wasted and these moments keep slipping away, i get so tired working so hard for my survival, i look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive. and all my instincts they return in the grand facade so soon will burn without a noise and with out my pride. i reach out from the inside."- Darren Hayes
RIP Richard Jeni March 10th 2007My name is Amanda, I'm 19 years old and I live in Bristol PA. I have done some really bad things in my life, I tried to make it all better for all the wrong reasons and I went right back to where i was in the beginning. Now I am doing this for me, for my good... for my sanity. I want my life to be the way I know it should be. I'm scared as hell, yea, even though I can put out a tough front, I'm still a scared little girl wanting some one to tell me which way to go and to hold my hand while im on my way. I know I have to do this, but I don't have to do it alone, I am meeting new people, people who tell me they care about me, and for once, I'm taking a chance and I'm going to trust them... it's hard for me to do this, i've been hurt by alot of people.. but the person who hurt me the most, was me. I need this, and I need my Higher Power to help me, I fucking surrender...
I also want to say that i have been blessed with the most imcredible friends, both old, new, and regained friendships are helping me to be the person that I want so badly to be.
Rob, if it werent for you i know that i wouldnt be clean, alive or happy today. your the most important in my life and i wouldnt be anywhere with out you. i love you more than words can ever express. We have been through ALOT of shit. but through it all we have come out the best of friends. "God couldnt have given me a better friend."
Nikki(KOP), we have been through alot of the same things in our life, we have had to fight addictioin and lord knows how hard that is alone, but we are so much alike its scary sometimes. you have helped me get through alot recently and i will always love you for that.
Nikki F, I know that we have had our differences, but getting to know you again is a great experience! you were there for me when i was alone and when i was going through losing Him... if it werent for you i wouldnt be alive. i wish i could make up for the things that i have said and done to you. I love you and im glad we have this chance to be friends again.
