"All I know is that I know nothing." That’s the smartest thing I've ever said. It may even be the smartest thing ever said by anyone. The only problem is that I didn’t come up with it- I stole it from Socrates. This one, however… "Everyone's life is a story. It is the personal responsibility of each and every one of us to make ours a good one." …is one of my own. I am Chris Fontana and I am New Orleans. I’m the Funniest Man in Louisiana, The Human Corporation, Jedi Knight and friend of Captain Solo as well as The Sexiest Man in Jamaica. Or was it The Bishop of East Anglia? No, wait… What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so as it turned out, he was only dressing up as The Phantom to scare people off! I’ve been a stand-up comic since late 2003 & a writer ever since I learned to read. Family & friends notwithstanding, my creative outlets are the most important things in my life. Anyone close to me will tell you that, without these opportunities for self-expression, I would be a serial killer. I can’t argue with that, except perhaps to clarify that I wouldn’t have just been some random psycho, but rather the single greatest serial killer in all of human history. Upon my return home from Exile (in Baton Rouge- it may as well have been Elba, so... yeah) after two mind-bogglingly long years, I added acting & sketch/improv comedy to my creative rap sheet, although I’m still not exactly sure how I went about doing that… Or how I survived the process. Or weather or not I meant to end up in the dimension in which I’ve landed… Yet wherever I may be, suffice it to say that I was pleased to find myself neither dead nor incarcerated upon my arrival. In fact, as further proof of the utter lack of justice in this universe, I submit to the record, my current state of affairs: instead of the disastrous morass of nightmares I most certainly deserve to be drowning in, I am instead surrounded by people who love me & knee-deep in golden opportunities to become what I love and maybe even do something truly worthwhile… “and you may ask yourself, well… how did I get here?†A fair question. I believe my uncle, Rodney Fontana, put it best when he very casually told me that the first thing you’ve got to do is survive your own darkness. In doing so, you “see the light,†(to make use of a cliché) at which point the trick then becomes not to bask in the sun so long that you get burned. Nowadays, I wonder if I’ve got enough sunblock to pull this off... Despite a severe chemical imbalance & a nasty self-destructive streak, I reached adulthood, thanks largely to my group of friends from high school. I quit college after about a year & headed for parts unknown in search of a life less ordinary. I found it. Yes, I went back to school eventually. No, I haven’t finished yet. And finally, yes, I will get around to it when acting, comedy, writing, etc. get boring enough. Flash forward about four years and I’m a man who is often accused of having wasted a great many things: time, my personal potential, other people’s time, numerous opportunities, vast expanses of my bitch (time) & finally countless brain cells (both my own as well as those belonging to others whenever said others asked me nicely enough and I was felling generous)… yet I regret only one thing: not having seen that ‘light’ earlier. Thus the overwhelming sense of loss I’ve felt since Katria hit, or, since “dat bitch had done toe’ shit all up over by where I had usa’ stay,†is nicely tempered by my belief that there are no such things as supernatural gods, destiny, predestiny or even right and wrong- there is only us. You literally CAN “choose your own adventure†just like in those stupid books! My personal favorite title from that series, by the way, had to be “You Are A Shark.†Can you guess what that one was about? That’s right: you were a shark. Now turn to page 12 for the rest of the story, or to page 138 for a three-paragraph long description of your untimely demise… Wait a second… Sorry. Boy when that ADD kicks in, huh? So what was I- ah yes! Every single day, you create your own reality. Correspondingly, symbols have only the meanings we give to them and, perhaps most important of all, YOU ARE WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE YOURSELF TO BE. So enjoy the ride, just don’t neglect your responsibilities as the narrator of the story that is your stupid little life… Right? Right. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah- so the moral of the story is not to take life advice from someone without a Bachlor’s Degree. And we never did...(starring into... space?) Seriously though, "About Me?" Fukkk Offf, right? I am Nainus Dextrous-Sinestre Aurillius I of New Orleans! I am an evil robot from the future, sent here to study mankind. I enjoy loving life, disco-pimpin', collecting souls and short walks in a beach-like setting. I suffer (if you insist on calling it that) from a condition known as a 'Porthos Complex', which (so far as we know) is unique to myself and a small handful of egonauts with whom I associate. Symptoms include: blood-stained teeth, dark under-eye circles, lack of moderation, frequent self-agrandization, and impending heart attacks.
Please, help raise awareness of this loud, obnoxios killer in your community! Call attention to the plight of those of us striken with a 'Porthos Complex' by enjoying whatever it is you're engaged in/consuming to the utmost and nth degree! Remeber, only you can prevent forest fires, just say no, and have your pet spayed and nuetered- but it takes a mother fucker with a 'Porthos Complex' to play the fiddle in the event of an emergency. As you may have already deduced, I try not to take anything too seriously. Perhaps it's part of my subconcious' atempt to balance out the universe: while I have trouble taking important things seriously enough, most of the rest of humanity seems to take itself and everything else WAY too seriously. Honestly, I mean, 'yall are lucky I've even got pants on!
Chris Fontana "Out Dat Katrina," Part 1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IC_OZb3gTyA
This is part 1 of 3 of a show I did for my boy Anthony "Cornbread" Gauthier called "Comedy Crossroads" at The Station in Baton Rouge. The camera work and editing are courtesy of another friend of mine, Christopher C. Brown. I'm posting the rest as it uploads.....
Tell me what you think!
Cheers
-cwf
Chris Fontana "Out Dat Katrina" Part 2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT2L5MpdcI4
..& here's part 2 of 3 of my set on "Comedy Crossroads" at The Station in Baton Rouge. This was right after Gustav so, at the time, we didn't know if we'd ever see home again... But by now most of my people were already safe elsewhere, so I headed to Austin, Texas to brush up on stand up
Chris Fontana "Out Dat Katrina" Part 3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWZPDhOVoeI
...& here's the 3rd & final piece of my set from "Comedy Crossroads" at The Station in Baton Rouge. We had one hell of a crowd, everybody was on their game, & I even remembered enough specifics about that night's adventure to have awoken the next day quite certain that my blurry recollections of triumph weren't wholly imaginary! So, enjoy
