The Shudders are a 4-piece country rock band with a penchant for
pirates, rum, Natalie Portman and great songs. Using a traditional Drums-Bass-Guitar-Vocals-Banjo set-up they combine to
play music that touches the heart in the way that normally only a sword
through the chest can, and makes one tap one's foot in a way that would have
many a peg-legged seaman looking on in envy - making going to one of their
gigs one of the "must do" events of 2009
Courtesy of www.shoepie.co.uk
Courtesy of www.shoepie.co.uk
Ride the Wave of Pirate-Folk for a swell time
Aharr swarthy landlubbers, tire ye of shoddy minstrels assaulting your eardrums with music poor enough to make one consider throwing oneself upon one's own cutlass in despair?
Are ye sick of ye olde musical genres featuring gentle folk sobbing softly into their expensive haircuts, fierce barbarians smiting each-other with power chords, strange soothsayers babbling to incontinent rivulets of haphazard squawks, and verily music that sounds like the keening of a strange animal sired by a whale and a parrot?
Our motley crew has returned from many an adventure on the high seas, seeking fortune and then burying it haphazardly in a variety of unlikely locations (a policy which suddenly seems extremely sensible having heard the town criers' lamentings about money 'pon our return) and were shocked by the noise that greeted our weary crew..
T'is a musically desperate time to be sure - maybe the worste since 'yon great Minstrel strike of 1136. At first we thought it might have been a ruse by yon Kinges of Normandie to bring the nobility of this great land to their knees - and great indeed was out woe when we discovered that no enchantment was involved. We were sorely tempted to up anchor and sail away, lest our minds be corrupted beyond redemption by the infernal racket, but then our cap'n spake
"My swarthy crew" spake he "Swarthy are ye, and swarthy ye shall remaine. Swarthiness, indeed, is yon defininge characteristic and our maine weapon- for we bring our enemies to their knees by smell making them grateful for the feel of our gangplanks' splinters."
The cap'n waited for the approving roar, punctuated by the occasional flying rotten tooth, to die down
"Now methinks we have always been gentle folke - lifeguardes if you wille, saving people from the danger of their ships sinking due to the weight of their doubloons. And my kinde heart has gotte me thinkinge. Mayhap we could save these landlubbers from the scourge 'pon thier ears. Mayhap we could enchant them with our Pirate folke musice"
There was a resounding silence (if you don't count the skritching of various heads as noise)
"Ande verilie this music be played in taverns across the land me hearties, so a mighty raft of quaffing opportunities awaits us"
This time the cap'n had to take several steps back, such was the volume of projectiles accompanying a roar that would make the very sea blush and take elocution lessons
"Arr me hearties, Arr, now ye see my strategy! Now not all 87 of us can play this music all at once - we must pick a small crew to do their duty and bringe back fine ales back to the ship. Alan, ye beats the big drume when we need to down oars to accompany our mighty sail - ye canne keep our band up to speed"
Alan, looking mightily pleased, stepped forward carrying his mighties ale-flask and acknowledged his role with a mighty battle roar "Aroooooooooga, my cap'n, Arooooooooga"
"Aye, t'is fine" continued the cap'n "and you twain pair, Liam and Tim, not onlie are you our most fearsome looking pirates, but ye be our most dexterous with our rigging. Ye shalle be our guitarists, for twanging the strings on these modern harps is far less complicated then tending to oure greate mast, so it shall be easy for ye"
The pair, dripping in gold chains and tangled parrots, stepped forward with their own simultaneous joyous battle cry "Gneeeeeeeple, our cap'n, Gneeeeeeeeeple"
"Ande finally, the identity of our singer shalle be no surprise - for has he not lured no less than 47 merchant vessels to their doom on the rocks of Beaver Island with his Siren-like singing, leaving us to collect the spoils as they floated ashore? I speake, or course, of Dan"
Putting down his kite, Dan stepped forward and inhaled mightily before releasing a mighty note of fearsome majesty "Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlllllll"
"Arr Dan, t'is the third glasse eye ye have cost me this very week you scurvy dog" muttered the cap'n tetchily as the echoes died down "Ye had better not break our ale flagons with your astounding yowling, take ye care or ye shall be mizzened by your mainbrace 'pon your return"
Dan looke shifty, but wisely restrained from yowling yet further
"Ye chosen men shall keep up the fine tradition of this ship, and spead the word of your adventures via the medium of pirate folk"
There was a mighty combined "Arrr" from the selected few (aside from Dan who was still looking at his feet and looking sheepish)
"And, in honour of the reaction of our victims when they smell us, ye shall be called 'The Shudders' " the cap'n proclaimed "And now I shall verily head back to our good ship with the rest of the crew to await your return with much honour, tales of daring-do and - especially - ale"
The quartet thanked the cap'n and merrily set off on their missioon, accompanied on their way by an appreciative mass bout of "Aaaar"'ing (and the inevitable accompanying detrius) from the remaining crew which lasted until the band was out of sight. Such was the tumult that no-one noticed the baby kraken sneaking out of the sea and latching onto the hem of one the bands' bags...
Biography courtesy of the legendary Sir Michael Hirst.
"If you don't like that song, you are a c*nt" - fellow nautical enthusiast, Paul Bender, of the band "Bender" talking about The Shudders song "Words of a Fool".
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