Myself at ages 10, 16, 23 and slap him in the face for things I will always regret.So the answering machine wars rage onward between Tony and I
So the answering machine wars rage onward between Tony and I. This battle has lasted so long I no longer even know who threw the first stone and that doesn't matter anymore, what matters is who wins. It started with this lil ditty of Tony covering Cindy Lauper and nailing me with this Gem
Tony Lauper
This fine ditty caused me to learn German with the quickness and I hit him with my rendition of 99 Luftballoons from the artist/band Nena, although the audio was probably destroyed because of shear humiliation, you can rest assured it was sweet and I am inclined to say advantage ME because this is my site.
Next in Tony's desperation, he tried taking me back to old school and unleashing a punch that was thrown from way back in 1965 with a Tom Jones medley, obviously Tony was trying to Bring the Sexy back here.
Tony Jones
(If you make it through the whole thing, you are amazing)
So after this lengthy bit of hell, I had to break myself down as a man and reevaluate myself completely. A part of me said, "Fuck it man, maybe go to Tibet and find enlightenment and become a monk" and then another part of me said, "Fuck Tony". I agreed with and decided to go with Fuck Tony. I took a week off work and threw myself to a song of my own from 1968 staying true to the timeline. I literally was sweating as I sang to his answering machine a song from Gary Puckett and the Union Gap a little masterpiece called "Young Girl" Again, the audio is non existent because of the obvious reasons, like the way I can turn a classic into a masterpiece. I even had my wife pop her head into my recording studio and say, "I can hear you outside of the house" I achieved Nirvana!
So after this with no real comeback Tony proceeded to call my answering machine at 4 am on Thanks Giving. With this Church Bomb
Fuck you Tony!
So again, in my anger I brought it with the full length version of Hangin Tough from New Kids on the Block,
Joe's Tough!
clearly this killed him.
So in a stupor Tony did bring some metal and did his own one man band covering some old school Metallica.
Tony + Vodka = TONKA not Metallica
Yes this is good, but come on people lets be for real, the only reason my songs aren't posted is because of copyright infringement laws and the fact that I would go quad platinum and have to pay royalties and I don't have time for that shit. And Tony doesn't know how to copy my shit. Fuckin Tony.
Here I had to quote from Oscar nominated Leaving Las Vegas, the scene from the bank where Cage returned to the bank after having drinks and found his liquid courage. Enjoy!
Joe Leaving Las Vegas
So normally I would put a rebuttal in here, but until Tony sends me the original copy, I cannot hear his cries. This next one may be a negative influence on my internship to Morgan Stanley Witter this summer, but then again it may just be the tie clincher they were looking for.
Investment Banking is childsplay, try singing Iron Dick from .. with a cold!
Months have passed and the answering machine lay dormant and silent. Has the thought of having a child killed the jackass spirit that lays in Tony's heart? This Amigo thinks not. Not too long ago, Tony and I were brought together for a peace summit. After many beers, and stares from our sober pregnant wives we found ourselves in the same arena with the new targets. We focused our energy on our Rock Star Friend Zach Hoiland. Little has been heard from this gypsy since he has been hanging out with Hue Heffner and going Skeet Shooting with Bam Margera. But after about 15 beers and 13 "Fuck you Zach"'s later I found something out about Zach that only a close friend like Tony would know. I guess Rumor has it that Zach was and possible still is, a huge Bryan Adams fan. So I pulled some strings and called Bryan and all three of us left a message for our friend Zach.
Zach, we'd DIE for you! (this bad boy takes while)
Now you would think such a great alliance such as this would have caused a permanent cease fire, but nay, when I found out that Tony had discovered the sex of his child through the advent of modern science, I had to believe that the good news would have been enough to peel away a few layers of this monsters callus heart. So I left a lil message of what I thought must have been, but to my dismay this calculating sociopath, still shed no tears. Tony the machine? Quite possibly!
When Tony Cries, the seas turn to blood!
In my youth, my dad always feared the Soviet Union, he said a country can only invert it's anger and hardship for so long before they must focus their energy outward . So to Tony and I can only rank on each other for so long. So in our anger/love, we have created a side band entirely devoted to our famed amigo Zach Hoiland. The band's name is The ZachOphiles, with the first album Zachophelia. And our first tribute song to Zach is
Zach-a-Doo
Here is a song from Tony's new band The Booze fighters (although the name could change when the Booze Fighter cycle gang finds Tony and tells him he better come up with a pretty good tune as there Anthem for when they are kicking people's faces in) aside from that here is his first song dedicated to Heroin Chad when he almost died because he was either too stupid or too cool (opinions vary) to lose the backpack of beer on his back when he was going down some rapids and almost died...wait...no for real...Too Stupid...anyways, Chad was dubbed his Native American name Drowns with WaterWings. The Cherokee tribe has officially disowned him.
WaterWings