Princess Emily

My full name is Emily Ruth Dirks. My middle name is from my maternal great grandma who I was afraid of when I was little. I was born on April 4, 1984, at 4:14am. I have ADD. I am an Aries. I believe in my horoscope. I love picking at things. My favorite animal is a manatee. I plan to pet one even though it is illegal. I think it would be cool to be a SPCA officer (one of those cops that saves animals from cruelty and neglect). I am the oldest and have 3 younger brothers. My parents got divorced when I was little. I'm glad that they never got back together. I have a Pembroke Welsh Corgi named Rascal. I kiss my dog. He has no tail and looks like a twinkie with legs. When I was little I had a cat named Tinkerbell.My mom says that I'm snotty. My dad says that I'm a princess. My nametag at work says "PRINCESS EMILY". I want to be rich when I grow up. And happy. If I had my way, I'd never wear the same outfit more than once. I love shoes. I'd like to own a pair in every color.I exaggerate a lot. I sometimes say things just to shock people. I overemphasize my reactions to entertain people. I love making weird facial expressions. I have been known to say things just to push people's buttons. I realize that I do not have a penis, but I have been known to tell people to suck it. I don't like my profile in pictures. I destroyed all the pictures of myself from middle school.I have 3 tattoos and my tongue pierced even though I hate needles. I want 3 more tattoos. I think tattoos on guys are sexy. My first tattoo is of Tinkerbell (the fairy, not my cat).I have never mooned or flashed anyone (except for Lisa, and she doesn't count). I want to get a breast enlargement. I've used my breasts to get free things from guys: oil changes, my tires fixed, my car taken care of first at Wal-Mart, cutting in line, getting into the bars for free, my system put in my car, and other things that guys think that cute little blonde girls can't do by themselves.I spit and I don't care if it bugs you. I curse and I don't care if that bugs you either. Junebugs freak me out. I don't cry during movies. I bottle my emotions. When I can't sleep I listen to a Fleetwood Mac tape that I found in my front yard when I was 8.I have dated stupid guys just because they were good looking. If I am attracted to a guy there must be something wrong with him. I'm usually attracted to guys that I don't respect. I once broke up with a guy on his voicemail. Everytime I go down to the bars, I see at least one guy that I've hooked up with. I think I date alcoholics. I have put my boyfriends before my friends and I still feel bad for it. I once made the awful mistake of living with a boyfriend. I don't ever want to do it again. My first kiss was with my crush of 8 years. I love making out. If a guy doesn't kiss well the first time, I usually don't kiss him a second.I am known for having blonde moments...I have walked/fallen into the following: my dorm room door, a tree branch, the hood of my car, the front door of my house, the support beam of a deck, a creek, the side of a drinking fountain, an escalator, MANY doorways, a chandelier, the coathook in a restroom stall, and many other inanimate objects. I also will trip over absolutely nothing while walking. It's a talent that few have mastered and I'm proud of it. I once forgot the word "fork" and called it a spoon with holes. I frequently use spoonerisms (yes, that is a word).My best friends call me "Mom". I am the D.D. about 95% of the time when my friends and I go out. I don't drink often but when I do drink, I drink a lot. I once invited a chick and her daughter to live with me when I was shitfaced, and they showed up at my house the next day. And stayed for 8 weeks. During high school, I threw up on Gabriela's math homework and she turned it in anyway. I can continue to hold a drunken conversation while throwing up. I once made out with a guy right after I puked (and he knew that I had just thrown up).When I lived in Abel, my goal was to make out with a guy from every floor and I would like to thank the following guys for helping me to partly fulfill that dream (even though it sometimes made riding in the elevator uncomfortable): Tony H., Jon M., Brett F., Dallas M., Brett T., and Aaron W.I don't smoke cigarettes. I don't smoke weed. I've skipped class to go shopping (thanks to Lisa and her incredible ability to peer pressure). I once used shopping as therapy after a break up and charged $2000 on my Visa in one week.I once drove to Chicago all by myself. I got a speeding ticket on the way. In total, I have received 3 speeding tickets and 3 warnings. Of those, 1 ticket and 2 warnings were in 2005. I once cried and got out of a speeding ticket. I got pulled over in front of the bars while they were letting out on a Friday night. I wasn't drunk. My plates had expired but the new ones were in my car so I got a warning for improperly displaying them. I was eligible for Stop Class for the first time this year. I was still drunk when I showed up for it. I have been pulled over 5 times in the last year. The last time, I was the D.D. (like always) but because my car smelled like liquor (cuz of Lisa) I actually had to get out and take a sobriety test while 100% sober. I'm glad that the Lincoln Police Officers are out there doing their jobs, and pulling over sober people so that the actual drunks are able to drive home without getting caught.Since I became old enough to go out on New Year's, I haven't had a good one. I always cry on my birthday.* I am FABULOUS and in the end, that is all you need to know! *