-I'm the kind of person people come to for advice. It's a gift, and a curse.
-I've never stabbed anyone with a sharpie in anger while they were sleeping last night. See how specific that is?
-I attack sportsmen with quarters. Yeah, I said it.
-I am the sole owner of Starbucks. I don't drink coffee.
-Half of the above statement is a filthy frickin' lie. I'll leave it to you to figure it out, brains.
-I truly believe sarcasm can be used in a creative way, you stupid fat jerk. So too can insults tacked to the end of every sentence, dummy fathead ugly-face.
-I never start wars I didn't start.
-Every time I look at myself in the mirror, someone in the world kills themselves. Think about it. There probably is some statistical evidence out there that supports that statement. Think about that next time you look at yourself in the mirror, you callous, narcissistic killing machine.
-Contrary to popular belief, I wrote that song. You know, the one stuck in your head right now. You owe me royalties for that. Make checks payable to Alex Trebek. On the memo line, write "moustache implants."
-Picture this: Paul McCartney with a shaved head and stitches on his chest in the shape of a large "T"... you see where I'm going with this?
-When I'm home alone on a Sunday afternoon, I like to plan out my schedule for Monday. It's the only way I can sleep at night. Only on Saturdays. Sundays I mean.
-If you ever see me in my workplace, for god's sake, don't talk to me. I can't stress this enough.
-When I'm home alone on a Saturday afternoon, I like to write out what I think my neighbor's schedule should be for tomorrow. I write things like "7:30 a.m.: Healthy breakfast (this means no whiskey, OR extra whiskey). 7:34 a.m.: Breakdancing down on the corner near the 7-11. 7:45 a.m.: Creating a new religion for the ants in my ant farm." After that, I tape the schedule to their front door, just to let them know I'm thinking about them.
-I think porcupines must be cuddly under all those fucking quills.
-I like to just sit in the park and watch people go about their busy little lives. And by in the park, I mean their bedroom, and by busy little lives, I mean sleeping.
-I've found it's best if you don't ask so many questions. This is not a general statement, I mean you reading this right now, don't ask so many questions. I don't have time to answer them. I'm a busy man.
-I changed my mind. Porcupines are assholes.
You probably know more about me now than you do about yourself. For that, you are a failure at life. Congratulations!
