Are you sitting down? You better be sitting down. Because this little piece of news is so shocking it's gonna knock you off your feet. You are viewing the profile of the most bad ass, coolest metal head on MySpace.
I can see how the taste of freedom might make you a little bit nuts. When they finally released me from prison for killing three men with my bare hands trying to defend a family of orphans it's not like I went straight to the TV and gym. And sure, maybe banging the entire line of Victoria's Secret models was a bit excessive, but it has to be illegal to keep this much man to myself. This brings up another issue we need to discuss...
They must've missed all your write in votes for me because People magazine has named George Clooney Sexiest Man Alive for 2006, joining Brad Pitt as a two-time honoree. We can all agree that George Clooney is famous - he certainly is famous - but sexiest man alive? I saw at least three guys sexier on my way to lunch. I also saw three mirrors. Coincidence? I think not.
But the real moral of the story? You can do anything when you're as sexy as I am. Want to punch a politician in the face and not get in trouble? Go for it. Eat a bald eagle? Sure, why not. You've earned it if you've reached this level of sexiness.
And for the haters? They are smart enough to be in the special olympics. The only event those losers would be capable of pulling off is awkwardly falling down the stairs. And that's not even an event. It's more of an "incident" that'd ensue after I pushed them. As for being too successful? Yeah, I guess they are. The way the guy who cleans the gas station toilet is too successful. I've known mice that are smarter than this. And I'm not talking about super genius mutant mice either. I'm talking about the stupid ones. The ones who couldn't make it through the maze and decided they'd just lie there and try to eat their own tails instead. It's for the ones who won't speak to me as well as the ones who repeat every word I say. How can you hate someone yet chase their life like you are paparazzi? Either the time machine I built in my basement has finally started working or these clowns are so out of things to do they've started repeating themselves. I'm leaning towards the latter, but the caveman I saw going through my garbage makes me wonder. When I see these guys playing games at their 'parties' with a bag of Cheetos in one hand and a Pacman game in the other I think to myself: "This is a gamer. These are men with the charisma and talent to go all the way." So when I hear reports that their social lives may have been any less than spectacular I am shocked. Shocked!!!
I work inside a Maximum Security Prison. It's not like the movies and TV shows you have watched. I also design websites and I have been the biggest metal message board whore since the invention of the interweb. Here is a list of who I have worked for (thanks to J, Kim, Green Ezra, and Deege):
Black Label Society
Damageplan
Down
Pantera
Phil Anselmo
Rebel Meets Rebel
My work with those bands enabled me to meet and hang with most of my favorite bands such as Pantera and Down. I have also kicked it with Anthrax, Arch Enemy, Black Label Society, Bleeding Through, Corrosion of Conformity, Crowbar, Disturbed, Fear Factory, Godsmack, Hatebreed, Judas Priest, Killswitch Engage, Lacuna Coil, Lamb of God, Megadeth, Metallica, Morbid Angel, Shadows Fall, Slayer, and Superjoint Ritual.
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