Nik

I am really horrible at writing these things but I'll give it a go. I start not knowing what to write about and then I end up writing 500 pages worth of stuff that’s on my mind. When I first heard of Myspace, I thought WTF! Another trend dumb teens have fallen for. I generally don’t “judge books by their covers” if I’m not at least somewhat informed. I gave it a try and now I’m an addict to Myspace. I think I may need rehab for Myspace. J.k ;=). Some people may think that I’m shy and innocent because I can be pretty reserved and quiet when you first meet me (depending on the situation) but once I feel comfortable around you I can be pretty talkative and opinionated (maybe too much?). My mom says that when people give me “wings”, I will “fly real high”. I’m not going to explain the metaphor it speaks for itself. I can definitely be blunt but not hurtful and I have a pretty pervy mind and rather politically incorrect sense of humor at times, once I know you won't be offended, of course.

My soul wants to rebel against society's ways and discrimination. Social distortion is an evil disease that we should stamp out. I like to think that I'm reasonably intelligent and happy to discuss anything and offer my opinion and thoughts. I like to walk like I wanna walk, talk the way I wanna walk, dress the way I wanna dress, act the way I wanna act. I know when its time to work and when its time to play. For a 23 year old male, I think I’m very responsible. It maybe the way I was raised. I used to be such a “caged animal”, I “escaped” to run free and “flew” away. Since moving out on my own in 2003, I think I’ve done very well for myself. I pretty much walk to the beat of my own drum. I’m open to listen to other’s ideas and discuss opinions. I can’t hate anyone for their opinion even if it seems way off the wall or if it’s bullsh*t.

I can pretty much smell bullsh*t a mile away. LOL. So don’t try to play games with me. I can’t stand games. I typically deal with the cards I’m dealt. If I’m in a relationship, I don’t want to be the other person’s parent or financial support. I don’t do drugs, its one thing that sickens me. I drink socially but I know my limits. I don’t drink to get drunk even if I’m stressing or having problems, I just drink to relax and have a good time. Does that make me a light social drinker? I’ve lost so many people in my past due to their drug addictions and alcoholism. My friends in High School never offered me drugs. There were times when I could not deal with life. I was going through so much from Elementary, Middle, and High School, College, Work. I just didn’t know how to deal. I tried to get overly involved with school activities like Drama Club, French Club, Spanish Club, Math Club, Environmental club, National Honor Society, Decathlon, anything to keep my mind off the pain that I felt inside. Anything to drown out the emptiness that I felt. Nothing could fill up my pain. I felt so insecure, so unloved. I just couldn’t deal with it. I went to Europe for a few weeks and felt like I belonged there. It almost felt like home. I’m still lost. The emptiness is still there. I write lyrics, poems, and short stories to control the empty thoughts. I just can’t find anyone to understand what is going through my mind. Loneliness kills me at times but I think I’m strong. I haven’t lost hope for something better. I’m so bad sometimes, I digress from what I’m actually trying to finish saying. LOL.

I’ve had friends with major drug problems and three of them committed suicide. It was hard on me and hard on their families. I’m sure there are some of you that can relate one way or another. Addictions only bring inflictions upon those you love. I’ve had friends that have gone through addictions in High School and college, it’s sad. All I can do is try to be there for friends that are going through hard times. Sometimes it seems I can help so many people but I can’t seem to help myself. Is that how the wheel turns? I don’t want to play the victim in “soap opera”, that is our world, life. I’m just a mere “actor”, like everyone else. The “stages” are set and we do our “scenes’ and exit. Sometimes, it can be really hard for me to trust people. I feel that if I give them my heart, they will use it and tear it apart. So I have trouble letting too many people in but that doesn’t mean I don’t interact. I just feel that everyone’s failed me one way or another and that I don’t have anyone to rely on.

Sometimes, I listen to music so that I can get through my day. The instruments and haunting lyrics lift my spirits. TV and Movies elevate me out of the real world. Fashion takes me to a new level of thinking. Reading books takes me to a different world, where I can be the characters or envision them like a movie. Nature refreshes my soul. I love being creative. I love the thought of listening to others and having them listen to me without judgment. I just recently moved for the third time. I hope this time; I don’t have to move again until my lease runs out. It seems I don’t know where home is. I’ve never felt home anywhere. I did in Europe, Miami, NYC, and L.A. but not in Houston. Does that mean I should move?

I will just make the best of it, like I’ve done on the past. All we can do is move on from the past. Pick up the pieces, learn from past mistakes, mourn our losses, deal with it, take responsibility, and move on. My best friend and I are starting a blog/column. So I should be posting some of those blogs on here and the rest will be on the blog site aptly titled "Shallow Friends" on 08/07/07! I’m also writing a few songs for Remnants this really cool new band. I’m working on their site and Myspace page. It will be up soon. So many new things happening in my life. How exciting! You won’t always be bored around me. LOL. I’m hoping to take some winter courses since I haven’t been able to go to school fulltime. We shall see what comes of that. I just want to graduate UH already. I feel like so many 23 year olds already have careers and that I’m left behind, but I know that everyone has to take their own pace. It will be so funny if my sister graduates college before me. God knows, she already graduated May 2007.

Honestly, I'm not expecting much to come of me putting my profile on here, but if I can just meet a couple of cool people to hang out with or chat with (if something more comes of it great, but I'm not expecting that), then I suppose it's worth it, eh? Nyet? Non? No?