i am an epitome of a disaster

i fear i haven't been indisputable untainted most of my life. ...during my epigrammatic years in this flesh i've gradually discovered an eye for the existent. i can find it in a song. in a movie. in a statue. in a book. in a life. forlornly, in this time of discovery i've also found that, up to this point, little of what i've created or who i am has been genuine. and my heart breaks. i feel as though i've been on the periphery of flouting for most of my life. and i find it outlying more killing than the moment of brokenness.my stroll, my life, seems more like a complementary act on the interface of the cliff of brokeness. what the hell am i holding on to? i've never put my entire being into something. i've never hurdle without faltering. never flown without a safety net. and it's exhausting.it's draining my whole being. i think i've ensnared myself into believing i know what i want or need for most of my life. but i don't. i never have. and i just need to hammer it into my head that i'm just about always wrong.i have no idea what i want in this life. so how could i vaguely know what i need? precisely. recently.. it 's been tough. i feel long-drawn-out in a thousand directions. i feel bushed. my mind is somnolent from perpetual conjecture and doubt.. and i'm surrounded by people who loves me. what else could i perchance ask for? there are myriad blessings awaiting each of us throughout our lives, but none could be more treasured and unseen than the gulp of air in our torso.i want to live with the people that i love. i want to see all that i can see. i want to create. i want to be loved. i want to discover and become someone i was created to be. i want to live in concord with my Creator and the cosmos given me. i want to take pleasure in my craft as i put my all into it. i want to experience live music all my days. i want a family of my own. i want to live in fear of God alone. i want a true faith. i want to be sensible. i want to know scripture. i want to make a difference in this life. i want to be bold, self-effacing and kaput. i want to be carefree. i want my story to come full circle. i want to feel ready before i take my last breath ...i like people who have a sense of individuality. i love expression & anything awkward & imperfect, because that's natural and that's real.