("Before you read this, you should know its a long douchey self obsessed rant where i try to make myself look intelligent, but instead you just think I'm a bit of a prick"-cameron)Rant more, then you might shutup when its worth it.I believe that i am a man(i guess i can say that now) of concepts, not of justified beliefs. Im the 'cecil' of modern life, thus i wrap myself in art, music-everything that ive come to believe are the 'finer' arts.I live-with, for and on-lies. Without telling myself things that arent true i wouldnt bother living and ,though i know they aren't true, i certainly dont believe it.In everything i see an admirable concept, though i cant seem to make it tangible as part of my life, im too caught up questioning it. Books are where i think, where i draw my inspiration to live and my ardour for life. I believe i am pasionate, ambitious, benevolent(sometimes), arrogant, rude, annoyingly and entirely (unjustifiably) superficial. I admire beauty, but i cant define it (probably why i admire it). I also write gay things about myself on myspace.What excuse have i to be 'of concepts' if all i do is convince myself im better for having thought of them? I constantly question myself, it's my moral balance, and -though i am confident- i am always thinking self conciously. Thus i am arrogant-simply to convince myself that i am worth the time ("i live on lies").Like anyone who fills their mind with questions, i am subject to the fits of fancy and eccentricism that make my third person life.....mine again. These moments do not define me, you cant see them. I cant make them intelligent, funny or thought-provoking. Some of the stupidest people i know are the most worthy. I seem to never say what i should, consider that im never truly serious in conversation (i have already thought the serious words a million times) and im so damn cynical i dont believe they are worth saying. I know it doesnt mean anything to you, but know that if i 'hate' you i am jelous or compelled to do so. I dont actually hate anyone- i have never managed to summon the effort to hate. The only thing that concerns me is that i am no longer concerned.Humour, to me, seems arrogant in the extreme, but its essential to my existence. To be happy seems unjustified because...well...others are unhappy. And other things i instinctually know (but cant place) prevent me from speaking/acting truly on most occassions. Im a human, and as such i cant help but be happy, i think im kind of funny sometimes and im a sucker for classical attitudes to life, love and theology. What really defines me i think, is my inability to define myself-my constant wish to do just this. "If there is any good in a man it must be unknown to him", and yet i am seeking the good in myself constantly, realising the bad through what i believe others think (mabye i miss their point though).When i insult you-i know im doing it. Its not ussually that i dont care, its that i care so much i cant bring myself to be truthfull. I cant tell people what i think of them, mabye because id just be telling them what i think of me.I love my life, i love my gifts and my negative aspects. I love almost everything i experience, a beautiful sound-a beautiful sight-a beautiful thought as much as an awful one. That said, i dont know what beauty is beyond what it makes me feel. Sometimes i feel like a back-wind is pushing me towards something, my own inadequacy wants to disperse into a million-million colours, fly off and die somewhere.I try to ask myself why i think what i think, why i question what i think about what i think and why i write it on myspace. "Epistemology fucks with ur brain dude, it teaches you how to....what?".Myspace is like that little nagging part of yourself that has to get out, like the voice of an author in a character they tell themselves to hate. Life should be like listening to the Beatles for the first time, like discovering the universe is more than just you or alike realising that maths just works!Is there any reason that universe works? Is there any universal plan or text that sets out all knowledge? We all have a little guide book, perhaps ive taken the wrong turn, but at-least award me that im able to apreciate all perspectives-even if i cant identify with them, (or, more commonly, understand them)."Mabye love is just chemistry........does that really make it less important?" I always wonder whether morals exist, i verge on nihilism sometimes. "should i save a world i no longer have a stake in", what is moral and how can we seperate from our instinctual need to further the race. I believe Compassion is evolutionary, helping the man who has fallen only allows him to have more babies than if he was dead. What makes a nazi slaughterer wrong? Ovcourse i think that senseless slaughter is wrong, but i ask myself what is really behind the morals that inform this view. If you have any idea, tell me........i need to know. Im an atheist, ive felt close to god sometimes-but my inner ...hating... voice has told me not accept anything. If i start accepting your god just because they are the one ive had most contact with, what would keep me from anything i did because it felt right? Mabye helping people is right because it is fair, i believe in justice. I dont know what justice is, but i damn well believe it. I might question what inspires me to believe in justice, but that would make me an awful person. I dont want to be an awful person, mabye thats just my damned instincts again. "Morality is a sham. Without it, human beings become sham humans".I often ask myself questions that imply im something im not, or im not sure i am. Why do i love poetry more than being a teenager?Do i actually or do i say that because i need you to think it? Why do i enjoy classical music.....well the truth is i enjoy all music that 'sounds good', but i cant classify what inspires me to think that. In 'The day the Earth stood still', Keanu Reaves (an alien) says that Bach's piano concerto number (x) is beautiful, what makes it more beautiful than ...say rap. I enjoy some new age music, hell-mabye its an expression of admiration for talent or effort or some intrinsic beauty that we see in the universe without realising or caring why it exists."Heaven gives its glimpses to those not in a position to look too close.", mabye our stupid human way of thinking doesnt allow us to identify the true nature of the universe, mabye tapping sticks in more succeedingly more complex ways became habit over the years.I think that the voice of authors i have encountered is in my thoughts, im trying to figure out if i think like myself or them. They are more interesting to read.
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