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I am a young, supple, 28-year old boy who makes a fine living selling pillow insurance to wealthy homeowners and torturing rats for information on world events. I live in a roomy, 18th century loft nestled in the loving bowels of my parents basement. I own a white van with black-tinted windows and a keg in the back that you'll usually find parked in-front of the local high school. I like long walks, driving aimlessly, and the sound squirrels make when you eat their young. If I could be anywhere in the world it would be right here, in your room, right behind you. I love reading, re-enacting suicide notes with puppets I make from scratch, and bobbing for apples on non-holidays. I am a generally generous and optimistic person who hates doing things for other people and suffers from severe depression. I have a shirt that says "I'm A Winner!" and I usually believe what I read.