I was born in the small mining town of Liverpool, presumably in some sort of hospital. I then moved to the small African country of Eritrea at the age of 3, at this time my mother and 5 year old sister became the 12th and 13th wives respectively of the local chief in the village.
It was during this time that my love of lip discs started, which is mainly responsible for my ability to store food like a crazy indie gerbil. After an aids scare occurred, me and my family fled the village and pursued a new life in the village of Formby, with my Mum, two brothers, my 8 year old sister and my new 1 year old nephew.It was at this time that I became the captain of the local water-polo team, which ended prematurely due to the tendency I had of nearly drowning/drowning others. I then decided to take up a more lucrative career as a yo-yo superstar, wearing sparkly costumes and wow-ing crowds with my innovative new tricks. However, this also ended prematurely as the RSPCA objected to my signature trick of tying the yo-yo around a dog then proceeding to throw him about crazily, I was like an enraged puppeteer of malicious intent. This method of 'walking-the-dog' was considered illegal, and I am still serving part of my 50 year global ban.I was then involuntarily moved to South Wales, where I then proceeded to give them the gift of electricity and the ability to read at almost a 5 year old level. Biff, Chip and Kipper was an all time favourite, although obviously Shaun the Sheep was extremely popular, but it was cordened off in the Softcore Pornography section and the only 3 copies of the book had their pages stuck together by some sort of mysterious substance.Other achievements of mine include being the first ever person to successfully gain the status of icon as a legitimate profession, inventing gravity and discovering Cuba.
..
