Oh God, you’re upset about something. You’re gonna open to me now, aren’t you?
~~~~
PATIENT: Hiccups. I’ve tried everything.
HOUSE: Um hmm. [ reading from chart ] Pulling the tongue, icepacks on the throat, hitting yourself… the groin pinch. Well, you’ve certainly covered all the normal medical bases. Uh, how are you hitting yourself, though? Is it open hand or fist?
PATIENT: Open hand.
HOUSE: Well, that’s how they teach it at Harvard Med. How hard though?
[ Cuddy comes in; patient slaps himself ]
HOUSE: I’m sorry, I missed that. Could… could you do that again? [ patient slaps himself again ] That’s… that’s very good. [ to Cuddy ] Hiccups
~~~~
HOUSE: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I’m Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short, sweet. Grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so, unfortunately, she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I’m also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is here against his will. But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It’s mine. You can’t have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [None of the clinic patients seem too eager.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two doctors? [Everyone raises their hands.] Okay, well, I’ll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.
~~~~
Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.
~~~~
Chris Dewey: [trying to tell an uninterested House a patient's history] You're reading a comic book.
Dr. Gregory House: And you're drawing attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
[she covers her chest with her clipboard]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a "state-the-obvious" contest. I'm competitive by nature.
~~~~
[House is popping pills] Orange patient: What is that? What are you taking?
Dr. Gregory House: Painkillers.
Orange patient: Oh, for your... for your leg.
Dr. Gregory House: No, 'cause they're yummy! Want one?
~~~~
Dr. Gregory House: Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritating recently.
Dr. Cameron: And?
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be 'unusually' irritable.
~~~~
Dr. Gregory House: McPhearson? Horrible doctor, I heard he tortured kittens.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, McDonald.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, McDonald? Wonderful Doctor, loves kittens
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