Bitchy Puma profile picture

Bitchy Puma

I am here for Friends

About Me

I like cotton t-shirts, but not cotton balls because they make me cringe. Wearing pink briefs makes me happy, especiallly while dancing and eating chinese food leftovers out of the box, until I hit my hip on a doorknob, which inevitably occurs. I'm great in and out of bed, and will be even better when the government approves the use of dietary supplement SHP. My shoulder blades often hurt from successfully completing my daily regimen of push-ups(one). This is why I put an ad in the willamette week everyweek that advertises free rent for back massages. I look great in a belly shirt and winter hat. I like to use words such as walri, wouldn't you want your friends to use that kind of verbage?

My Interests

Shoes with some of what could be called flash. The arts that are fine are quite swell. Reading of the written word. Writing with pens. Writing powerful and emotional blogs. Dropping the H bomb. Rolling up my pants and taping bandanas to my clothes. Not talking to losers. Being on the list at the Aladdin, wow i am so cool, i shouldnt even talk to myself because im not worthy. Finding sweaters that only fit until they rip. Strangling parakeets. Clubing OSPIRG canvassers with baby seals then burning ants with a magnifying glass, punching little kids off of their bikes,

I'd like to meet:

Any form of intelligent technology, like a robot, or maybe something cool I havent even heard of. Like Jesus, I could ask him how he feels about all these crazy christians running around saying that God hates fags and such. I could also find out for sure whether the guy spent all that time in the sun without sunburn or even a tan. He looks like Conan O' Brien for Christ's sake. What's his secret? Is it the whole son of God thing? I think Jesus has been given a bad rap, the guy hasn't been able to speak up for himself in years. Maybe he would admit that the whole son of God thing was just a good hearted prank gone too far. Then I would like to ask the big guy what his favorite amusement park ride is and then go on it with him. Afterwards we would enjoy some cotton candy, but we would have to share it, because Jesus made us give most of our money to some poor people who died before they could use it(sad). Ha. As the last bite of candy is revealed he will make a pass on me and I will have to say I don't crop that side of the field. Jesus will then say, "Goddamn you Batman", and then Batman will really be damned, tough luck!

Music:

The who, Murder city devils,Magnetic fields,DR. AWKWARD(it's a palendrome),I Punch Girls, Bob Dylan,The Blow,Tom Waits, Postal Service, Pinback, Arcade Fire, Elliott Smith, Interpol, Tortoise,Velvet Underground, Iron&Wine, Pixies, Mirah, Rilo Kiley, Bright Eyes, M.Ward, Portishead, Keb'mo,T-Bone Walker, Muddy Waters, The Cure, The Smiths, Talking Heads, Flaming Lips, Ani Defranco, Xiu Xiu, The Elected, Bjork, Hot Hot Heat, Spoon, Neutral Milk Hotel, the sea and cake, Beck, Broken Social Scene, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Srokes, Systems Officer, Christian radio....and the only thing higher Star Monsters, Joy Division, Shostakovich the 11th.

Movies:

Waking Life, Last Samurai(Tom Cruise is a badass ninja motherfucka!), Finding Nemo, Napoleon Dynamite, Team America, Shaun of the Dead(lol awesome with some red wine), Godfather one and two, Tombstone, fuckin Jaws, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Anchorman, Dodgeball, Elf(except the ending sucked), I Married an Axe Murderer, Horatio Hornblower, Braveheart, American Beauty, Suicide Kings,The Usual Suspects, Death to Smoochie, Fight Club, Chocolat, Benny and Joon, Thin Red Line, Saving Private Ryan, Apocalypse Now, Deer Hunter, Blade Runner, Rebel Without A Cause, Natural Born Killers, All kung fu thrillas,me and you and everyone we know....back and forth is so fun

Television:

I only watch commercials...oh and I really like Punjab Eggplant on top of pizza, but I guess that's not really television, it's more like food, oh well...

Books:

The Bible and only the Bible....ahhhahahahah, currently reading A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. And now I'm finished with that one and on to Guns, Germs, and Steel, now Devil in the White City by Erik Larson, now Europe Central and The Great Bridge.

Heroes:

I have a hero named frank, and he gets to decide who lives or dies. He is God...download his holier than thou ringtone at www.finallyIgotmyownringtoneIamGodformysake.doit

My Blog

Contractions of a brain wave.

Peanut butter and chocolate travel, knowing well there destination, knowing well their purpose. Between the crevices they speak of the terror of mint and paste. I'm cheating and my dentist will surely...
Posted by Bitchy Puma on Sat, 28 Jul 2007 08:37:00 PST

Nuke em! An Easter day tradition around the globe.

  I was informed this afternoon at a shady bus stop next to a slanted pole of a solution to our current conflict with western Eurasia. All I approached the stop hoping for was the arrival of a bu...
Posted by Bitchy Puma on Mon, 09 Apr 2007 06:01:00 PST

Cats bat at my hats.

  sometimes I feel like constructing a tiny jetpack for my tiny wind up robots, then I do and I get jealous of their sweet jetpacks and i end up throwing them away and making a big one for myself...
Posted by Bitchy Puma on Mon, 16 Jan 2006 01:10:00 PST

Karna con carne

  I'm seeing all the pictures in my past.  But, I'm replaced by a man, a man with spider-web hands.  I sit here watching the fire, stare, I stare at my reflection.  Put on a grim e...
Posted by Bitchy Puma on Thu, 03 Nov 2005 11:27:00 PST

Those people from Arizona are out to get me!

    I awoke this Halloween morning after learning to fight crime under the wing of Robert DeNiro, I think it was a dream.  After my morning shower and a much need peanut butter and...
Posted by Bitchy Puma on Mon, 31 Oct 2005 01:54:00 PST

Pink Martini anyone?

    I was enjoying an evening of jumping around in my manties and painting to the sounds of music, when an associate of mine, not named for security reasons, invited me to a fancy night...
Posted by Bitchy Puma on Sat, 01 Oct 2005 05:14:00 PST

Oh my lucky stars, that's rude

    This story takes us to the the schimzza of pizza downtown.  While enjoying a free slice and beverage courtesy of my dinosaur drawing buddy, a man dripping sausage meat down his...
Posted by Bitchy Puma on Sat, 27 Aug 2005 12:43:00 PST

Layin' down some L.A. wisdom

    I overheard some wise words from a guitar strummin', lip ring wearin', youngsta from L.A. on the 14 the other day.  According to this dumbass no one wears those good ole old sc...
Posted by Bitchy Puma on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Some of the best things ever, Yeah super good things.

    I was walking home the other evening when a youth on, what at first glance, appeared to be a  youth sized bycicle handed the person in front of me a bright yellow flyer.  ...
Posted by Bitchy Puma on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Smooth is as stubble does.

  I must thank all of the assorted creepies, wierdos, and slimies for your wonderful performance on our nation's proud birthday the 4th of July.  You leveled the playing field for me by maki...
Posted by Bitchy Puma on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST