mmk. so turns out, as im sure most of my more 'friendly' folks have noticed, my 'about me' situations been sittin static for some time now. good news, fukers! tonight i make my grand revision. for some reason, ive had an idea bouncing around in my head for the last month or two: a list of things that i like and, more importantly, do not like. i was going to, for posteritys sake, log them on a physical list (paper and marker- that biz). but, thought i, there is so little that i have to report concerning my monotonous florida life. i have fun, but it it is, in most respects, the same fun on repeat. so scratch my 'story' and get to the good stuff, yes? let us dispense with the 'where i go to school and what for rubbish', and cut down to where its closest to the bone, agreed? and where might we look to find such imperative and decisive information? what could possibly make plain these chief and o so central qualities that govern the meting out of lauds, and the allotment of denigrations in MY life? eighteen words: a list of things that i like a lot, and things that i dont really like that much. thats where! so onward and upward. objects to color we are all of us, i say- but without a living ray of light, they are each of them, the light and the object at hand, mutual blanknesses. so let my radd-ass list be the object, and you the light, baby. learn and enjoy! o, and if the list doesnt settle you on me, youre more than welcome to msg me. yup.
(note: the list will continue to grow as more qualms and fancies dawn on me.)
(also note: eventually, this list will make my actual profile very long, so too bad. deal with it.)
(oh yes, and note: youre probably asking yourself: why does this fellow not 'blog' his little list and be done with it? answer: because i dont like the 'blogging of things'.. it just doesnt appeal to me. in fact, im not even really sure what the hell a 'blog' is, but im helladamnwell sure that i dont want to kno. that doesnt make sense you say? well why dont you 'blog about it'. im sure thatll work. actually, blogs arent that bad. ill be sure to add it to one side of my list. which one? well youll just have to read and find out! ha!)
(ah, and extra double note: a few secs ago, when you read my little eighteen word thing, you went back and counted em didnt cha? DIDNT CHA!? busted. youre gay.)
...so without further delay-
LIKE----------------
1. the darkness, scissor sisters, jet, tahiti 80, 80s hair bands of all sorts, the foos, soad, 311, aaf..
2. guys who think that pink is a fukin radd colour for the going out in (seriously).
3. people who spell color as colour.
4. people who spell rad as radd (and who use the word in their regular vocabulary)
5. gay dudes dress like champs. try it some time, fellas. youd be suprised what happens.
6. conch republic rum. yessir.
7. bumper stickers that say 'cheer up, emo kid'. that was a good day.
7 1/2. motorcyle/moped 'bumper' stickers that say 'Jesus is my co-pilot'. (thank you mr. grohl).
8. being naked. why not?
9. not being in one place for too long. ramblin man. screw the roots.
10. most rap music.. most.
11. breaking a sweat.. means ive probably been doing something productive in a warm place. both good things. florida rocks, have i said that yet...
12. k, florida.
13. o yeah, and palm trees. some gonzo lunatics down here actually DONT LIKE palm trees. crazy.
14. jaws is my fave movie. rent it. watch it.
15. people who not only abreviate words like favorite, but subsequently create their own non-existent word by adding vowels to the afore shortened word. fave. fukin epic.
17. cold breakfast cereal. maybe i do and maybe i DO.
18. the color- i mean colour green.
19. making lists. i dont kno why.
20. cleaning.
21. being drunk while the suns up.
22. camping is always on my plate. even better with cute girls. but hey, what isnt?
23. i love my sketchy-style 'work for one month, fuck dave in the ass for two' motorcyle more than anything ive ever laid my hands on.. ever. i suffer NO crackin wise at my bikes expense. fight you.
24. this list is rockin the block so far. i dont care if you told all your friends that it sucks. no-m'am.
25. i LUV it when girls wear deck shoes and/or polo shirts. gotta be able to work it tho, lady.
26. the word 'tootz', even tho it doesnt roll off the keyboard well. o well. my mouth seems to manage it well enuf.
27. arizona. check it out.
28. flying. its an adventure.
29. sunburns.. to a point. means ive been doing something worth getting a burn for. does that even make sense? whatever.
30. clothes. every time i daydream about winning the lotto, the first thing that comes to mind, for some reason, is how radd it would be to have an bottomless pit of cash to spend on garments. strange? yeah, i kno.
31. im going to invent a 'beer necklace' soon. basically, it is a coozie or beer carriage/receptical that is fastened to a comfortable sling suspended from a persons neck. this will alleviate the classic nuicance of having to dedicate an entire hand to the clutching of an alcoholic beverage. think about it. how can you drive a straight stick truck or fight off a bouncer with only ONE HAND at your disposal and defense??
31 1/2. whilst im at it, i think i might invent a wine glass cuzie (spelling, anyone?) as well. think about it.
32. people who seem to check my myspace profile page daily for updates. glad to hear i have fans. number 32, is for you.
33. paris hilton. did i already say that? whatever, she rocks.
34. sioux falls parks and recreation dept. best job i ever had. if only i could go back to the days of jumping golf carts and taking four hour dinner breaks. sfprd, youre aces in my book!
35. DMC. acronym for what you ask? well, if you like this company as much as i do, you should kno it already.
36. saw a guy once while eating out wearing clod-hoppin'ass work boots, running shorts, and the filthiest cut off t thing i had ever laid eyes on. i liked him, a lot.
37. alexander delarge had a pretty good take on things.
38. girl fist fights. with guys you can see it coming a mile away, but with gals, you never kno when the furs gunna start flyin.
39. people who dance by themselves in public.
40. that guy who rides his bike with no hands and his arms crossed on his chest. thats really hard. youre the man, buddy.
41. the guy doing 65 in a 30 on his buell, weaving thru traffic. thank you (not so distant) future heart donors of america. way to give a little back, dudes.
42. flip flops. why kick with anything else..
43. ..and yes! grown men who fight by kicking at other grown men. i really need to get one of those walker texas ranger levers installed- soon.
44. any event where large trucks roll over smaller ones. and whats better than seeing that? getting to share space with all the super radd tractor pull enthusiasts that tend to grace such gala occasions. now where did i put that beer necklace?
45. girls with long hair.
46. people who set records by, well, unusual means- sam haukin sat down one quiet sunday afternoon and thought to himself, 'hmm. i wonder just how many marbles i can eat?' timothy richardson, while practicing his bowling pin routine for a group of flabbergasted first graders, thought to himself, 'hmm. i wonder just how long i can juggle a trio of running chainsaws before something 'happens'?' the rest is history (note: they made a book about it).
47. strong man competitions. the common objective? who can move the most stuff from one place/position to another with the muscles on their body. brilliant. thing is, people are getting bigger all the time, right? i cant wait til they are creating events like 'who can throw a cinder block into orbit', or 'who can eat the most aluminum baseball bats wrapped in phone books' (i could go on for days). now that would be some entertainment!
48. lorenzo llamas.
49. people who face their cash money.
50. driving drunk. i dont do it anymore, but hey, when i used to it was almost always more fun than doing it sober.
51. names that girls DO NOT like being called. ie: bronto, tons o fun, boxcar, tubsly, quakin bacon etc- ill think of more.
52. situations you find yourself in where you are able to tell a crowd of shocked and gawking onlookers: 'this is exactly what it looks like.'
53. cacti. if they grow wildly in your state, ive probably been there and liked it.
54. writing checks. i (as well as everyone else in the world) rarely have a plausible reason to, so when the time comes, you can bet that my pen'll be on the ready!
55. texting. love it. texting allows one to carry on a conversation without the nuisance of actually having to CARRY the conversation on (it adds up, trust me). when you speak to someone on a phone, you are required to keep a conversation rolling, which means that any lag time creats uncomfortable silence. also, you have less time to compose a response.. i mean, who wants to be kept on their toes when you could snuggle into the warm, deliberate lazy-boy of texting? clever quips, rock solid ripostes, and, best of all, bafflingly short short-hand are but a few luxuries texters enjoy. give it a try. you will thank me in the end.
56. i think joe walsh and keith richards should have a showdown to the tune of 'showdown' by electric light orchestra. i would like to see that. who would win? well, we'll just have to wait and find out, wont we?
56 1/2. (note: anyone noticing spelling, grammatic, numeric, or any errors in my list otherwise, feel free to post me a comment regarding it (them, im sure)- grammatical spottlessness should, to us all, be priority one.. except for maybe staying alive and kickin. whatev.)
57. bet you didnt see this one coming- i like people who are well spoken/written (im no diamond myself, but ive read some shit from some people that, for all intensive purposes, wasnt even english (o, and was supposed to be, by the way)).
58. demolition derbies, babes (thank you, abbs). find more of an americanism than purposefully crashing a bunch of shitty cars into eachother? doubt it, folks. this one falls into ranks with monster truck rallies- refer to #?
***********************************************************
DISLIKE----------------
1. yellow cars. you kno who you are.
2. girls who cry too much. you kno who you are.
3. having only ONE television in my living room. dammit.
4. most cats and small dogs.
5. DWIs. they are difficult.
6. people who dont signal whilst changing lanes/preparing to turn. assholes.
7. flying. its terrifying. think about it.
8. people (and there is A LOT if them here) who say 'y'all' (the contracted version of 'you all').
9. people who say 'all y'all' (the sudo-contracted version of 'all you all'- brilliant).
10. myspace REALLY raped me on this little project of mine- erased the ENTIRE thing. still pretty bent about it. myspace takes the #10 spot.
11. girls who feel the NEED to let everyone kno, by using their voices, saying out loud, so that everyone around them can clearly hear without mistake, that they are strong women. you shouldnt have to say it. people should just kno.
12. hummer 'suvs' upset me.
13. for that matter, im not too fond of those tacky idiots who think its some sort of flashy, attractive idea to install lights under their suvs (spinners and other huge, reflective rims included). guess what- you have taken a perfectly good utility vehicle and reduced its versatility to that of a large, gas wasting station wagon. hey, careful not to get your sport utility, four wheel drive vehicle off pavement, you might break a bulb.
14. the hole i punched in my bedroom wall as a result of myspaces little stunt. alas, another hole.
15. getting that tricky little spot beneath my nose. man that razor just cant bend far enough.
16. my bed. too soft.
17. is your cell phone hanging on your belt? yes? i dont like you.
18. absolutely ANY person who calles me sport, chief, boss, champ, big guy, honey, dear, child etc. youve made my list.
19. people who dont thank me for holding the door for them. wow.
20. people who call my phone. and then call again. and again. and maybe again..
21. that all saints song, never ever. i hate that song more than anything ive ever heard in my life.. wait! nope- hold on a tick. i think party like a rock star might have it by a nose. not sure. ill have to work on this one.
22. early mornings kill me one day at a time. good thing i have very few of them on my schedule. whew!
23. belt holster style beer carriages. what a confounded idea. havent you fools heard of the beer necklace?! were u been?
24. guys who smoke. square that figure for girls who smoke. trashy? oh yeah.
25. MOST girls who have tatoos- not all. trashy? you kno it. (they dont call it a skank tag/tramp stamp(thank you, patty) for nothing) but there are the select few that can pull it off.
26. girls with short hair.
27. people who dont believe me when i say there is 18 words in a sentence. im talkin to YOU.
28. bums who try to tell you its their birthday. just ask me for some cash, man, i might give it up.
29. iowa.
30. people who say 'git er dun', and mean it.
31. sweatin to the oldies. thats exactly what you think it means.
32. disturbing 'shock value' facts like 'how many spiders you eat in your sleep each year' or 'how many pounds of human hair you digest in a lifetime'. who really wants to know that shit? yikes, man.
33. working for a living. theres gotta be a better way. o hey, by the way, its my birthday- wanna send me sum money?
34. rainy days when it doenst actually rain. that adds up, somehow.
35. walmart.
36. the non-domestic condition of arnold schwarzeneggers birth. this makes him ineligible to run for president. im not the only one to put this heartrending point on my funk list. boo.
37. florida is a fine state, to say the least, but it does lack a few things: wells fargo, strip clubs (just in leon county- and thats sorta fine. i prefer to look at naked girls in situations where the odds of actually getting on them are not stacked against me), 40 oz alcoholic beverages- this one is NOT fine at all, and lastly, but not leastly, florida only has ONE taco johns, can you believe it!? - in the entire state! and its in some little (but very fortunate) town called tavares, which is way the hell down by orlando, off the turnpike. what i wouldnt give for a hard shell and some oles. jeez o man! .
38. how hard it is getting to find my place in this fookin list every time a lose it.
39. talking on the phone. if it were up to me, every word of my correspondense would be sent via email, or even physical/postal carrier mail would do. theres nothing more irksome to me than having a hot, sweaty cell phone stuck to the side of my face for an extended period of time. damn. big fan of texting tho (see #55 above).
40. boiled peanuts. i dislike that i like them. the reason for this is that i was having so much fun giving people shit down here for eating those wierd things. then i actually tried them. at first they seemed odd to the palate; kind of a wet pea to touch, and a salted spice to taste. but they grew on me and now i would be in discord of my beatific moral center to say that im not a fan of them. (*a post script to my associates from the mother north who are scratching your heads and saying out loud: 'golly, dave, what the hell are boiled peanuts?'. well, boiled peanuts is not a misnomer, believe it or not! a person creates a boiled peanut by boiling a raw peanut in water, salt, oil, and whatever else you fancy your peanuts to taste like. genius you say? well, apparently somebody thinks so, cuz those things are EVERYWHERE down here. every gas station is stocked to the gills with cans of em. you will see no less than ten 'vendors' parked on the side of the highway, selling them out of the backs of rusty, full-size vans on your way down to the beach. everywhere. so now you kno about boiled peanuts. spread the word.*)
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