About Me
I have been inspired to write one of these. But its going to be a continuing work, "about Andy" is a tale best told in fine doses. This was dose one.There are many a name today for what was once born Andrew Daniel Cohn. Pork...Johnny Wadd...Doc Freshlove...Senior Puff-Lopez...and to truly understand the man, you need to understand the alias' he is shaded by. Sure, most are self-proclaimed...in fact, i made up a couple right now. But the point is, legends are not made in a day, and their stories not in a life, but in the eternity thereafter. im way too faded to be at work...lol... this was dose two.Ok, lets do this thing. i think 100% of the time, and think intensely. This includes while im conversing, while im grooming, while im singing, while im eating, etc. Cant help it. So it bothers me at times when people say not to think so much. For I have what i believe to be a rich and useful understanding of basic physics, anatomy, society, and reason as a result. but mostly the consciousness of my own flaws and strengths is the dominant silver lining on this thinker's curse (I have recently come to believe that there is no greater a curse than an abundance of intelligence without matching judgement). This was dose three.I pretty much classify myself, my life, my thoughts, into broad cateogries and from there could dril down infinitely, and with that lies the danger of redundancy, incoherency, and inconsistency due to what must be referred to as a constant metamorphosis of my psyche. Values, opinions, understandings materialize in my mind without direct chronological cause, and without notice. One way to put it would be this. My continually busy mind takes pieces of information, conversations, emotions, what have you, and these pieces fit into one, many, or none of the "puzzles" already being framed in my mind. It is my belief that pieces seemingly unrelated on a conscious level get placed in random times from random developments, and when these complete the puzzle a buzzer goes off and i have officially "learned" something. About myself or others, life or death. This has proven at time to be a burden, as i have no control where or when i will come to realizations, and depending on the relative importance of these epiphanies, can limit my ability to retain them. as well as making it virtually impossible to concentrate on actual matters at hand. Dont get me wrong, this happens often and i have learned how to not let my uncontrolled mind hold back my controlled mind in a functional sense. And i have let go of excusing the remianing times. But as you read further it is imperative that you comrehend the frequency and magnitude of my mental ramblings. This was dose 4.I dont recall which, but I recall a story from Philosophy Intro ending in this: "The smartest man knows nothing at all." This is the basis of my being. I really dont know how or why everyone thinks they are so smart and controlled. I know nothing, but i can tell you trends, stats, and I estimate future reactions based on my observations. What i say, what you say, what anybody says, is worth nothing more than the words themselves. I do not offer instruction. I do not offer knowledge. I only offer a communication of interpretations and patterns for my own satisfaction. Love, Music, Work, Family, Pain, and modern society will be the remaining 6 doses. This was dose 5.Ahhh...was it a subconscious preoccupation that should find me sequentially opening with my greatest weakness? I am not a follower of Freud. HOwever i do find much intrigue regarding the workings of the subconscious mind. That being said, it is with love that i find true happiness and true pain. Through its joys and sorrows i give credit a large proportion of my so-called lessons learned. Notably, the confirmation of my personal inablity to solely react on logic and reason. I am well aware that this is a common illness, however i trust that you will find through following tales and tells that my illness is exotic and tragic alike, for better or worse. this was dose 6.Love. I had my first crush on a girl at five years old. Her name was Claire. I specifically remember admiring and respecting her maturity, as she had already lost her 4 front teeth. We would play together in Kindergarten class, our parents even became acquaintances. This was not to last long. I had been playing tetherball during playtime when i heard a boisterous laugh coming from the small crowd of other children. Upon inquiring the cause of the joyous sonic burst, I could hear a melancholy sonic burst. It was my heart breaking. For Claire had kissed my best buddy Kip on the cheek and ran away. For no apparent reason, and while i am certain that i did not at that understand ANYTHING about relationships, romance, etc, jealousy at that young age came naturally to me. I then proceeded to "beat up" my friend, was punished what i thought at the time to be severely. I was no longer allowed to play with either child involved. I didnt want to. I think its kinda important to go back as far as you can remember to help yourself target things to evolve through now, so i remember vividly many seemingly random events. Noteable events "about me" with love will continue next dose, at which point i will describe the happiest moment of my life (relative). This was dose 7.It would be a lie if i said my romantic nature laid dormant at any point in my life, however, the next few years left me with no lasting memories of it. 1st 2nd and 3rd grade themselves left very little impression on myself. It was not until i met Jenny McCann in 4th grade that i experienced true desire. (i say met, but technically did not meet her until long after i saw her. (it was upon sight that my infatuation and adoration truly began) She had Straight brown hair, golden skin, and a smile that left me in a state of awe at every observation. I was a shy young man in most regards. Not out of fear or of uncomfort, but out of distrust and self satisfaction. It simply was not natural for me at the time to initiate relationships of any sorts, as i at the time did not realize the importance of first impressions. This being said, many months went on where all i could think about was Jenny. Oh how i longed for interaction. Looking back, part of me liked the feeling. I felt alive. I had a purpose. this was dose 8.Perhaps i should spend a bit more time describing this feeling. Im sure some of you out there can relate if i do it right. I would wake up in the morning. It wouldnt be 30 seconds before i was reminded of my purpose, reminded of the smile i would soon get to see, reminded of the pleasant pain i would feel when I left school for the day and would have to wait an eternity it seemed before i could slightly satisfy my desire by simply being in her presence. And from that waking moment on, each day, this 9 yr old boy was in a zone. I cant honestly tell you at this point what i actually wanted back then. Besides interacting with her in some capacity on some level. The year went on as 4th grade does, and it was six months after the angel appearred that my chance for progression finally arrived. The teacher announced that we would soon be starting computer time, in which two people for 1 hour each day share the class computer and play educational games. We were told to choose our partners, and being the shy boy i was never even considered asking Jenny if she would like to share the time together. I naturally partnered with my best friend at the time and was in the first pair that enjoyed the PC on the first day. This came to be very convenient. There was a chart up showing the pairs and days the computer time would be open for them. Jenny apparently had not been able to, or negelcted to choose her partner, because i noticed she was on the last day with my friend Scotty who was not there when we picked as i recall. I was extremely envious. Man, if only i were to be her partner, it would be a dream come true i thought to myself. Back then, in those years, children are very private about their crushes. I was not so. I was never embarased by it in any way. I never understood why anybody would be. So i decided to take action. I approached Scotty with an idea. I proposed that he trade me for my partner in the following rotation. This was a great risk, i put myself in a position to be mocked and ridiculed for the remainder of my elemntary school career. People simply didnt do that kind of thing. But scotty had an open ear. i explained my longing for her. I pleaded with him. He had trouble understanding the process of the trade, however, and saw a punative risk potential should the transaction fail in its attempt. I was not going to let it lie at this point. So i offered him every pog i owned. Big daddy slammers, skull and cross bones, silver, gold, i had a fair collection. This would translate to the equivalent of offering a new car to an adult (i mean, thats what we did. you had no pogs, you had no lpaymates at recess). He reluctantly accepted, saying if it didnt work he is still owner of the pogs. I agreed. One minute with Jenny was worth 100 times the cost. 1000. priceless. I informed the teacher that Scotty had convinced me to trade his partner with mine. as he was scheduled for the last day of the first rotation, and i the first of the second, we made the change effective at the end of the first rotation. it was actually going to happen. i was going to talk to jenny. i was going to laugh with jenny. i was going to know jenny. when i first looked and saw my name with hers on the list, i felt a high that was only paralelled a handful of times in my relatively short life. And my journey into "first love" had begun.I regrettably did not take advantage of my situation. From when we were together at the computer, i can not remember one conversation. The only thing i remember is that my innocent blind love for her continued for the remainder of the year. When summer came, i enjoyed it. My preoccupation with Jenny settled, as out of sight of mind occurred. So what was it to mean, that on the first day of the next year i should see her, and all the feeling rushes back to my heart and soul? Why was i a prisoner to this desire? but i was. But during the year i became involved with another girl, Yvonne. Im not going to interrupt this more important story too much with her. I dated Yvonne for maybe a few months. I was still shy, and this bothered her. Thinking about it now, and was proven later,she had some issues. Our major relationship problem was that i was hesitant to engage in tongue kissing. I recall a comical scene: Yvonne, and i believe her sister and mine, were outside of my house. Yvonne and i just finished a discussion, concluding in my agreement to make out with her. I was scared. I didnt know how, what, where, when...but there was no turning back. I gathered a small group of neighborhood pals for support and went in the house to prepare. i brushed my teeth like i had never brushed them before. Went into my dads room to steal a pinch of cologne. I had my oldest friend run through the basics, hints, tips and tricks. I was ready. But by the time i cameback outside, she was gone, assuming i simply chickened out once again. We broke up soon after. Exchanged mild unpleasantries for the remainder of our "friendship" and she ended up getting pregnant at 16 married at 18. or something like that. this is all second hand info, as my sister stayed in contact for many years.
MOving on... this takes me to the beginiing of sixth grade. It was no coincidence that I should once again find Jenny in my class. We were both tested at a young age for having exceptional learning abilities and progressed through the Gifted Education classes. One class was only taught for each grade at our school in the program. With my past dating experience under my belt, i kinda saw myself as having a leg up on my peers. Most of the kids in the class came from very good homes that would not have permitted such a past. So, at this point, i took this confidence, and a flirt was born. There were a couple other girls in class i was attracted to and would constantly attempt to make them laugh or impress them through various means. That is, all except for Jenny. I still found great difficulty in saying word one.ahaha...this is kinda random... lol...i remember this one time we were having a band/orchestra/choir performance for the parents and families to see, probabaly about half way through the year. I being a naturally talentedmusician even at the time was assigned to perform the woodwind solo. Upon my big moment, i nervously broke my saxophone reed. You cannot play with a broken reed. I cried in front of all the audience. I was crushed. Embarrased. Jenny was sitting right near me with her clarinet. When they finally realized they werent getting a solo out of me, they instructed me to sit down and we continued the concert. After we had finished and audience began dispersing, who should approach me other than Dr. Mccann. This is Jenny's dad. "Don't worry son," hand on my shoulder, "i wasnt very good at music either. Youll find what is good for you. Dont worry about it". I remember to this thinking, "whats your problem dude? What do you know about it? Thanks for dogging me in front of your beautiful daughter." I was very embarassed. As silly as it was to be. But how could i talk to her now? Im trying to seem like a super cool dominant tough smart guy, now torn down to a snivvling screw up being consoled by her father. Fate has a funny way of interjecting its presence in such situations tho. Well into the year now, i was daydreaming and giving attention to my longing for Jenny during reading time one day by writing poems. I wish i still had some, one. anyway, my teacher saw me and said "reading time is for reading. Stop that writing." I reluctantly got up, and grabbed a RANDOM book from the class shared bookshelf. I return to my desk, and with no intent to actually read this story that i was forced to retrieve, open to a random page. A note falls out.
To: Tiffany
From: JennyMy heart stopped. Without knowing what the note contained to this point, if nothing else it would be a window into her soul. A piece of Jenny's mind, which i knew sadly very little of. I can honestly feel the stomach drop i felt then just thinkiong about it. I should interject this humorous note- During lunch for most of the first half of 6th grade, I would eat with my friends in the cafeteria very quickly, so we could go play or swing or do what kids do. I would with 15 min left at lunch each day go to the "bars". I was a daring kid who had schoolwide fame for my stunts and tricks i would perform. Well, Jenny at some point, i dont remember how it started, would finish her eating much later, then come meet me at the bars to assist me by giving me boosts. Just the two of us. Day in day out. all the while me thinking she was just interested in my stunts. This was going on for maybe a month at this point, intercepting the letter. So there i sat, note unopened in front of me. Just staring, thinking. Should i put it back? This was not intended for me to read, and my morals were developed enough by this point. But i couldnt just go put it back. If Tiffany went to get the note, it wasnt there, and were waiting to see who grabbed it i would be found out and it would be naturally assumed i read it anyway. So...i opened. The next quote is NOT a verbatim translation. It is however accurate because, as you could imagine, i help the note for a long time, read it over again. Again, i open the letter, and read..."I don't know what to do about Andy. I want to talk to him so badly but he never does. I always see him joking around with Jasmine and Erin. I think he just feels more comfortable with them. I know everyone tells me he likes me but i dont think he does. I just wish there was something i can do to make him feel more comfortable." I was stunned, speechless, high....Jenny likes me too...I finished out the day in a haze of bliss. And confusion. Now what? Do i tell her "hey jenny. saw your note. lets make out"? of course not. So i conferred with my pals. They all suggested i catch her after school walking to the bus and ask her to be my "girlfriend". I tried, but couldnt find her. I was restless. I asked everyone for Jennys number so i could call her. Nobody had it. But Johnny gave me Tiffany's number, the one who the note was written to. I called her right when i got home and made sure this note was legit. She confirmed, and said i should have already known and she thoguht i was dumb for being so shy to her. I agreed. Upon walking out of my dad's car the following morning at school, i was almost tackeled by my friends. They explained that my finding the note started a frenzy of love. Before i arrived, John had asked Danielle to be his gf. Mike had asked Annie to be his gf. Danny asked Erin who declined instantly. And now, they tell me, that Jenny is waiting at the hopscotch court for me to ask her to be mine. I was never so nervous in my life. But, what could i do? She was waiting, i had to go. When i finally stood there before her, we gazed into each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I eventually spit out the words, "Will you be my girlfriend?" She gave me a hug and no more words were exchanged. She ran off with her friends, i with mine. So years after i fell for her, with almost no interaction, she finally picked me up. Is this how love works? Maybe if you like a girl it means she likes you too. This theory i developed based on that experience caused me much grief in the years to come. The story of Jenny is sadly not a fairy tale. after maybe 1 month of being together, writing chalk all over the school "A + J", holding hands, talking on the phone, enjoying long deep talks on the swingset, i grew weary of her prudeness. And tho i knew in my heart being with jenny not kissing is better than being with anything else, i pushed the point and bluffed that it wasnt worth it to me being her bf. What an ass. Now im Yvonne. Now im the one with issues. I look back, and realize that was when i learned that comfort is dangerous. You few people out there who truly feel a great connection and love, appreciate it and never take it for granted. Its played out, but you simply dont know what you have until its gone sometimes. We broke up. I went around scratching out our love marks around the campus. Spitting on them even. I would be a jackass to her out of defense and disappointment. That was it. It was over. But not my feeling for Jenny. I continued to long for her after all. Till one day we were on the bus going to a field trip to the animal park. (to be continued. gotta clock in)We sat in our normal groups on the bus, and for some reason i was specifically distraught about my past conduct with Jenny. So i temporarily disassociated myself from everyone. Inadvertantly, i had quietly placed myself in the seat behind Jenny and Annie. Upon recognizing this fact i listened the their conversation, coincidentally just in time to hear annie say "i thought you didnt like him anymore." "i dont know" jenny replies. Maybe i could fix this....maybe i could appreciate what i had once again and treat her like she deserves. maybe this is a life long friendship developing. i never acted. but had content knowing we felt the same. I was in that program i mentioned earlier for "gifted" education. As the closest school offering it was far from my house, i naturally was not zoned in the same middle school as all my friends. This was very sad for me in many ways, but mostly the loss of Jenny's smile. My friends were great. They did this thing the last day of school where they all acrobatically spelled my name with their bodies and took a picture for me. My parents came to pick me up early, to make sure we made it to my sisters' graduation on time. There were heartfelt goodbyes exchanged, tears and laughs. Suddenly, i heard silence. i met jenny's eyes through the crowd. i walked over to her and hugged her like ive never hugged anyone before....whispering in her ear..."i never stopped liking you Jenny"........she kisses me on the cheek and and disappears into the crowd. i catch her face one more time....the smile one more time....our single tear and heartbeats in sync....(break) We nevr spoke or saw each other again. It didnt take long to forget about Jenny enough to enjoy the prime of my childhood. But i had learned alot from it nonetheless. The application and interpreteation of this knowledge warped as it may be for many years. I felt good, confident. Im 2 for 2. I liked a girl, she liked me. I like this stuff. But i started at new school 7th grade, and frankly didnt fit in. So i fell to the bottom of the food chain. How could i possibly satisfy my romantic desires now? Two months into the year i had a girlfriend,Nicole. I didnt have great sparks towards her but she was a cool chick i remember. Not hot, not ugly. but in my heart i felt a big difference between love and convenience. lol...it was funny actually...i dont remember who i stole it from or how i got it, but i gave her an unwrapped gold locket necklace, no box, as a token of my affection. Her mom tripped out when she saw it and called my parents. Together they agreed we are moving too fast and should stop seeing each other. I was upset, but not for that long. I learned to make sure my parents dont know whats up. My sanity totally dependent on my satisfaction with love, i cant have anybody other than me control any aspect of it. We went to high school together but didnt stay in the same clicks. It was no big deal really, the whole thing, just filling in space between jenny and diana :). Its been a week or so since i updated this. But for those who follow intensely, I have no intention of halting the creation of this masterpiece any longer than life's constantly changing winds force me to. I have but a moment now, but i think i can squeeze in the intro to Diana. We have talked about Claire- and what did we learn about me? I was romantic, emotional, jealous, and violent from an unusually young age. I spoke of Yvonne. Not much to take with us at this point. Jenny. I had loved and had lost. I found myself - times up. lol.--------------------------ok. im slippin. i havent sat down to work on this in a while. im gonna hook you guy's out there in TV land up with a fat dose. Screw this running through in such detail all the silly stories of past babydolls. Frankly, i can fill up enough about love just rambling about what i think of it today. this is "about me" and i am ever changing- so if i dont speed this up ill never catch up to present time and present thoughts. And i think this is what matters most. At least should, to the reader. So i will continue this proclomation of my psyche in a new format. Free-form brainstorming. Read between the lines if you can, to get the whole picture. And to those who know me, you may be somewhat surprised or shocked or in disbelief of what i write. Well, then, you dont know me, huh? Im also going to start putting a ---------------------------- between writing sessions because i think its important to let the reader know how i conclude and begin to fully interpret my musings. so...love....well, i guess im what most people would call a pessismist. I consider myself just ultra conscious and evolved, but that it what it is. I have been observing love and quasi-love and its causes and effects and joys and pains and everything else my whole life. As you may have gathered from the previous entries, i am a romantic. I feel love. I give love. I dont trust love. i really think that if most people disect their own desires or relationships or past, they will see that alot of things are ugly and wrong. Society doesnt permit natural love anymore. Not in its truest sense. I dont know how far back this is the case however. I can only assume based on books and movies etc. But it seems as though true love is soooooooooooooo rare now if it was ever prominent. and that makes me sad. I feel like i was born in the wrong time. I am old fashioned. But then i think about it. My "old fashioned" was modern at one time, and they probably had people that considered themselves cursed with a value system more common in the time before. And so on. So, the question is, where did i miss the boat? I was always around all kinds of people. All kinds of races, all kinds of ages, all kinds of economic backgrounds. I enjoyed the same media as most poeple my age. I went to the same schools. Somehow, i just missed the day where everyonme learned that things are how they are and how to deal with it. I had to teach myself. I get it now. Well, i think i do. And long story short, i have to totally act differently than is natural fo me if i want to complete in today's world of love. Some people, including myself, for a while blamed My ex girlfriend Carly for my opinion. after that being a disatnt memory, i have decided that i was not ready for the type of serious relationship we had. ill explain more next dose. i am getting paid to do this btw. suckers.....-------------we started off in a cool way in my opinion. I was with my buddies at a HS football game the year after i graduated because his gf was still going there and she was a cheerleader. anyway, we were just kicking it in the stands and i saw her and was amazed by her beauty. just my type. even to this day i think she was the hottest girl i ever got with. anyway, i was not so shy back then, i had already earned the nickname of "Pork" because i ran around saying i wanted to Pork all the girls at a house party. While plastered....and naked. But i got a spark like none other and i shut down. i walked down to the ground where she was walking and just stood there. Didnt say a word. My other friend went down with me to keep her friend busy but took all the conversation with both upon himself. We walked away, i was pretty sour about not talkign to her. But sometimes fate steps in. She coincidentally thought i was very cute too. And it turned out that her best friend lived in the complex one of my friends lived in with his little brother who was in her class. Also, she was friends with one of my other friends neighbors. It didnt take long before both of us asking about the other person developed into me getting her number. I called her from outside of my philosiphy cals at OCC. ill never forget it. I couldnt get of the phone and ended up missing class. We became exclusive almost instantly, spending all the time we could together. It was really nice. The thing i knew existed but never had. That true, deep, selfless love. We did all the extra nice things, bought presents for each for no reason, very romantic and nice relationship. But then, as the world turns, we made many decisions that poisoned our future. I cant obviously go into detail about a 3 year relationship. Just say that i got comfortable, she got wreckless, and we stayed together out of love for a long time. The attachemnt was so strong. the foundation was so strong. we just wanted to be with each other because we loved each other, but we knew in our hearts it wasnt meant to be. After we finally finished our final ugly break up, i simply lost my mind. Or found it.....--------------- i took it HARD. i talked about dumping her all the time, for he last month or so we were together i found myself treasuring the nights where she said she didnt want to come over. I was starting to be interested in other girls to a degree. but still, when the dagger sank in i was simply a mess. For the following 3 months, i didnt work. i didnt go out with my friends. if i did i was a downer. in fact, i recall, i couldnt eat anything for 4 days. anything. i was just beat. I tried getting her back. We hooked up a few more times, but she had already had her mind on another dude. I remember the last time we hung out at my house. I was trying to convince her to get back with me, citing the moment we were in "if you still like me holding you and hooking up why throw it away. " her response really surprised me. "its a physical thing. but your right we shouldnt anymore". it wasnt fair to me. why did i have to be the one that lost? How did she get over me so quickly? i just couldnt accept it. We were supposed to be together forever. We invested so much time, so much care. This is when i went into my woman hating phase. I genuinely hated the thoguht of relationships or love, at least didnt take them seriously. I would start to look around and see how ugly alot of my friends relationships were. unhealthy. someone was getting the raw end of the deal everytime. So whats the point, i thought. I dont need anybody. If giving a girl my heart, a girl that at one time wanted to be with me forever, promised me her love endlessly, could end up causing me so much pain, then i cant take the risk. Im talking months and months of nothing but pain in my heart. ill never forget it. Nothing else mattered. I just couldnt let myself do it again. I purely associated romance and relationships with a bad time. I have made love to several girls since. I have had no girlfriends. -----------------its weird being in my shoes. I get it, the whole deal, the whole game. i know exactly what someone shoudl do in any given situation regarding babydolls or for girl-friends, guys they like. People often hit me up for advice. But i make the stupidest mistakes over and over. I instantly poinon anything before it can get too tight or too real. I either go for girls i cant get until i get them to like me then move on, or string girls along that i have no interest in because its easier than rejecting them. I will hook up with girls and never want to see them again. I will start to get to know a girl and if shes cool i back out before i can ruin it. I am not proud of any of this. But this is about me and we are getting into the thick of this first section. If i think about love past present future....its pretty much a bummer. Past- several random one time hookups and no love since my first. Presently i am stringing along 3 girls, talking to another who i really like but she will never know because i decided shes too cool for me to mess with. Still totally head over heels for a girl i hung out with a few times after trying for 6 months to get her out. She is back with her bf that she had broken up with when we started hanging out. i stood up a girl yesterday at a bar and feel like the biggest jerk in the world. i want to be punished. Im not talking canceled. Im talking didnt pick up her confirmation call, didnt show up at the bar we were suposed to meet, and didnt call her to let her know at any point. If a girl did this to me i would think she is simply awful, so naturally, i have to believe i am awful. And as far as future is concerned, i feel like even tho i know in my heart i have a lot to offer and love being in love, im just not sure if ill ever be ready again. So that was "About Me:Love". I think next is Music. Yay...a brighter note! glad, cause this is really tough for me to write and read. ----This is like, literally 7 months later and its the first chance ive had to continue! Honest! Ok, im lying. Its funny, reading this now...Andrew today is already so different than the Andrew above. Just for fun, as most of you have prob just read the love section, ill recap what turned out of the current situaitons referenced at the end. Girl im "head over heels for"- now disgusted by; girls stringing along- maybe one still....; girl i stood up finally stopped calling me. This is a relative success as i have not allowed myself myself any new romances.
