My name is John Madden and I am a former Oakland Raiders coach turned NFL announcer. I was recently inducted into Pro Football Hall of Fame, and I tend to state the obvious, such as "The team who scores the most points will win this game today!" and "Turnovers are the key to this game!" and "George W. Bush is a fucking moron."
Face it kids, the reality is that I am a genius. A damn football genius. And all you assholes buy my video game, which is rigged to fuck you over, by the way.
I am also fat and pasty as hell and would have man-sex with Peyton Manning if he would only allow it. I am obsessed with Brett Favre and would have sex with my sister if he would just let me toss his salad. That guy can really throw it into tight spots and come from behind... oh yes he can! Brett may be single-handedly driving the Greenbay Packers into a eternal morass of SUCKITUDE. But he's just a clutch quarterback, do you know what I'm saying? There's no guy I'd rather have out there with the game on the line... even if he is a drug dealer.
Oh, and LaDainian Tomlison is a little bitch.
