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Serving WHOOPASS since 1979... I would rather not brag about my superior qualities and talents, but I’ll share some juice about my closest buddies. Tom usually has some girl talking to him but all he really wants to hear is that size doesn’t matter. He likes to coordinate the color of his socks with his panties. Adam is a phenomenal athlete; he just can't catch a football or a baseball, he can’t shoot a basketball, and he runs like a girl. We all know he spends most of his time building bombs in his basement. Mike is a real airline pilot whose motto is “If it’s got wings, I can crash it!†and he once got his scarf tangled on a wing propeller, causing his plane to loop and swerve in what seemed like an incredible stunt. The most amazing fact about Mike is that he holds the world record for the fastest growth of facial hair; grew a full mustache and beard in less than a minute. John loves to sport his gray tube socks up to his neck while working out in the gym. Last time I saw him in the gym, he pooped all over himself. Whatever you do, don’t let him start yapping about work. Raph was regarded as the most intelligent guy in our crew and he enjoyed playing in a cool band. Then he got married.... period. Evan plays in our exclusive fantasy football league but he hasn’t paid a cent of his membership fees in four years. I personally can’t stand any of these guys and I don’t understand why they argue with me, I’m always right.
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