Heavy Petting is immoral profile picture

Heavy Petting is immoral

About Me

"New Orleans girls never live anywhere else, and even if they do, they always come back."
"Samantha Bartell attended four high schools and graduated from none of them. She enjoys Wilson Phillips and giving out four-piece placemat sets depicting her GED and hand-drawn mazes that say, help me find a direction in life. Her wit is sharper than a laguiole knife." -Christopher Farrell
"At this rate, we can only cross our fingers that your liver will hold out until at least mid-junior year, where after its removal, you'll have to resort to skull jacking heroin to get your kicks." -Kaci Sexton
Dear America,
I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana.You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange music and eat things you'd probably hire an exterminator to get out of your yard. We dance even if there's no radio. We drink at funerals. We talk too much and laugh too loud and live too large and, frankly, we're suspicious of others who don't.Everybody loves their home, we know that.
But we love South Louisiana with a ferocity that borders on the pathological.So you realize that when you strip away all the craziness and bars and parades and music and architecture and all that hooey, really, the best thing about where we come from is us.When you meet us now and you look into our eyes, you will see the saddest story ever told. Our hearts are broken into a thousand pieces. But don't pity us. We're gonna make it. We're resilient.And one more thing: In our part of the country, we're used to having visitors. It's our way of life. So when all this is over and we move back home, we will repay to you the hospitality and generosity of spirit you offer to us in this season of our despair.
That is our promise. That is our faith. -Chris Rose

An excerpt from the LEAP test (the state of Louisiana's test of high school students' competency):
Writing Topic
Your student council is planning a celebration for the end of the school year. Some people want to have a performance by a live musical group as part of the celebration. Others think that having a musical group will cause problems since not everyone likes the same kind of music. Write an editorial for the school newspaper stating your position and convincing the student council to vote in favor of your position.
Actual student response:
'I think everyone likes R&B music. So you can choose between R&B and Rap and you can make a choice out of R&B and Rap. But personally I think I would pick R&B, because nothing can make my groove go better than R&B. I think a musical group is not a problem. If you know how to handle a business well you're alright. you don't have nothing to worry about. If you consider yourself as a person who can handle things well, then you can handle a musical group.
I personally think we should have a musical group perform. Because I think we deserve a break, it's toward the end of the year and we deserve to have something toward the summer. We work the entire school year. I think we work too hard during exams, quarter finals, mid-terms, tests, etc. and I think we deserve a musical group performance. I don't see why we don't because it shouldn't be a problem because I don't see a problem with it. It's just a musical group performance, and I surly don't see anything wrong with it.'

God Bless Louisiana.
"my deear sam i love you so
dont listen when ppl call u a ho
we met at the beach it was fate
at the way out concert i was soo late
u attend a school by the name of blenk
soo does that really make u a skank?"
-the incredibly talented courtney tassin.

My Interests



shootin the breeze.

What is this "freedom of speech" people are always speaking so freely about? Does it mean saying anything you want, any time you want? For instance, is it okay to yell, "FIRE!" at a crowded book burning?

Did JESUS just go around saying anything that came into his head? Yes he did, and what happened to him? That's right, they nailed him to a telephone pole.

What does this parable teach us?

KEEP YOUR YAPPERS SHUT. That's what God wants! And who are you gonna listen to - The Almighty, or one of those foul-mouthed Jewnegroricuan rock-n-rollin, anti-capital-punishment types?

My point is, you wanna learn about freedom, children? Read your bible; now on tape!

I'd like to meet:



Music:

-aesop rock
-arcade fire
-architecture in helsinki
-belle and sebastian
-benjy davis project
-bjork
-bloc party
-blonde redhead
-camera obscura
-the capricorns
-the decemberists
-depeche mode
-donavon frankenreiter
-eels
-fiona apple
-flaming lips
-helio sequence
-hot hot heat
-jenny lewis with the watson twins
-joy division
-the knife
-lil boosie
-logh
-maria taylor
-mates of state
-matt's techno cd that guy left in my car, whatever the hell that is
-metric
-mew
-M.I.A.
-natalie merchant
-neutral milk hotel
-the notwist
-of montreal
-peaches
-pinback
-pink martini
-the presets
-regina spektor
-shannon roberts
-the shins
-sigur ros
-sloan
-soho dolls
-sufjan stevens
-10000 maniacs
-techline records
-the thrills
-tortoise
-veruca salt
-the unicorns
-THE WAY OUT omgomgomg

JewsI LOVE JEWISH PEOPLE!

I love their voices, foods, holidays, their generally clear complexions, & many other characteristics that commonly pertain to them.

And I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure they love me too.

A few Hot Jews:
- Shana Orlansky (local, well-endowed, whiney Jew)
- And coincidentally, Benji. Benjamin Orlansky is like sex in a yarmulke and he always looks so tasty. I could just eat him up. mmm mmm mmm.
- Jon Stewart
- Jake Gyllenhaal
- Kate Levitov-Baxter (holler at a mid-city G)
- Fran Drescher
- Ralph Lauren
- Sarah Jessica Parker is a half-Jew, so I guess I love half of her.
- Corey Feldman
- Ron Jeremy

I might not be Bubbe's matzo ball soup, but I WILL feed your soul. Any Jews, please let me into your lives.

Movies:

- Amelie
- Breakfast at Tiffany's
- Cinema Paradiso
- Littie Miss Sunshine
- Drop Dead Gorgeous
- Pulp Fiction
- Tanner '88
- Tanner on Tanner
- Capturing the Friedmans
- Fantasia
- Kill Bills
- Wayne's World
- Donnie Darko
- The Heathers
- Run Lola Run
- Girl, Interrupted
- Pee Wee's Big Adventure
- Labyrinth
- Word Wars
- Spellbound
-MEAN GIRLS

Television:

is my only friend

-Strangers with Candy
-The Girls Next Door
-The Sarah Silverman Program -Sunset Tan
-The O fucking C
-The Daily Show
-What Not To Wear (god, i love that Stacy and Clinton)
-The Colbert Report
-AbFab
-The Hester Report
-Saved By the Bell
Cathouse

Books:

- David Sedaris
- Augusten Burroughs
- Christopher Moore
- The Only Bush I Trust is My Own
- Reading Lolita in Tehran
- Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil
- Amy Tan
- White Oleander
- Secret Life of Bees
- Wally Lamb
- Babi Yar
- Alice in Wonderland
- Hairstyles of the Damned
- The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
- Einstein's Dreams
- Bell Jar
- Naked Pictures of Famous People
- Alibi School
- Toni Morrison (seriously.)
- Partly Cloudy Patriot
- Fraud
- Wigfield
- A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
- The Losers' Club
- Playground: A Childhood Inside the Playboy Mansion
- [email protected]: A Medicated Memoir

Heroes:


briana lochiatto and ginny wigginton, for giving me someone to sit with in the cafeteria every day.

mia silvestri. and her buffy tattoo.

melanie rodriguez. for making my life just a little bit nastier.

patsy stone. for showing me how it's done.

john edwards. for making me want to have pre-marital intercourse with someone more than twice my age.

My Blog

The time has come... for a blog.

In case you're above keeping up with celebrity gossip and for some sick-ass reaosn, don't know this already, Paris Hilton is serving time at a, get this, county jail. After being caught on two separat...
Posted by Heavy Petting is immoral on Tue, 19 Jun 2007 04:55:00 PST

Are You There, God? It's Me, Samantha!

I once read a powerful book starring Michelle Pfeifffer and Bridget Jones. In it, that girl from Matchstick Men is pushed from foster home to foster home after her mother (Pfeiffer) murders a cheating...
Posted by Heavy Petting is immoral on Mon, 18 Jun 2007 07:11:00 PST

Da Dilly Diaries

One of the conditions my parents made when I moved back to New Orleans was that I had to get a job. More specifically, it had to be in Algiers, as I do not have a car of my own and would be borrowing ...
Posted by Heavy Petting is immoral on Fri, 23 Jun 2006 08:22:00 PST

i saw the da vinci code TWICE. still wanna read my blog?

             About eight months ago, around the time that I dropped out of school and decided to become a worthless sack of flesh, I visited Bay S...
Posted by Heavy Petting is immoral on Mon, 05 Jun 2006 09:42:00 PST

CHRIST IS RISEN, INDEED!

A few weeks ago, I was off from work and spent literally the entire day in bed. It's not even a bed; I have a futon, which means that it's not like I was comfortable or anything. I didn't get up ...
Posted by Heavy Petting is immoral on Wed, 19 Apr 2006 11:25:00 PST

HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY, TAYLOR HANSON!!!

Yup. That's all. That, and I'm home alone until Sunday, so all week, I've been drinking wine from a box, enjoying crappy television, and smoking in the house.  ...
Posted by Heavy Petting is immoral on Wed, 15 Mar 2006 10:38:00 PST