"What can I say about Matt? Let's just say he will teach your mother how to fuck while farting the star spangled banner into your father's mouth. When he's not busy breathing the life back into your friends and loved ones, he enjoys macrame, long walks on the beach, and making portraits of celebrities out of his pubes and construction paper. Other interests include vintage pornography, over-sized plush animals, pre-victorian architecture, and bears.When i'm faced with the dilemma, 'hey, this is just way to cool for me,' Matt is there to reek his awesomeness and pick up the slack. On a scale from one to ten, Matt is a shut-the-fuck-up-and-don't-even-try-to-measure-him-via-your- peasant-ass-labels. If he had a theme song the guitar solo would be so badass anyone who heard it would shit dairy queen ice cream cake.One time I was partying with Matt and he got so drunk that he could only move his fingers; which he proceeded to use to crawl 300 yards through gravel, broken glass and up five flights of stairs to get another white russian. Matt is so awesome that the only single word that could come close to describing him is an aramaic word that, if it were to be uttered, would bring about an epic battle between angels and demons (starring Christopher Walken) and eventually the end of time. Matt's balls are made of the heaviest matter in the universe." -Joe Kern-