About Me
Plexter: I went to an Indian, quite recently and erm...
Scoby: What, and Indian Spiritualist or an Indian Restaurant?
Plexter: No, not an Indian Spiritualist, no, an Indian
Restuarant...
Scoby: A restaurant-a!
Plexter: ...and the menu was written in Arabic.
Scoby: Was it? So, how did you decipher...?
Plexter: I thought, "Flippin' eck it's Arabic, and it's
supposed to be Indian". I said, "Excuse me Gupta...".
Scoby: Was it not Abdullah Singh?
Plexter: No not Abdullah Singh, it was Gupta Singh.
Scoby: Gupta Singh...... Gupta Singh, for yer supper.
Plexter: Aye, it was his brother. Anyway, I said, "Excuse me,
what's all this?", and he said, "It's a menu! That's what it is". I know, but I
can't flippin' read it!
Scoby: But don't you find it a bit strange; it's an Indian
Restaurant where the waiters speak English, yet it's an Arabic menu?Did you not
tell him that?
Plexter: Aye, that's what was confusing me.
Scoby: Do you not think it was that Saddam Huzaylan trying to
infiltrate the high potential market for Indian Restaurants in this country,
but he slipped-up on the menus?
Plexter: Ahh! The menus were the gibb-away.
Scoby: The gibbon way.
Plexter: I asked for Rogan Josh...
Scoby: Rogan Josh?
Plexter: I just got an omelette and chips.
Scoby: Ahhh! That says it all. Omelette and chips is, you know,
the main meal of the day for the Elite Guard.... For the Bandit Watchers...
They're not the Elite Guard, they're Bandit Guards, thats what they are.
Plexter: The Bandit Guards?
Scoby: The Bandit Guards, they guard the bandits in the pubs, to
see if anyone's got a way of fiddling them.
Plexter: So they can tell Saddam Hussein how to fiddle the
Giant Bandit.
Scoby: To see if Saddam Hussein can find out some sort of method
of 'jumping the button'.
Plexter: Jumping the button....
Scoby: It's like keeping it depressed, and just letting it up
very quickly, you know, to see if he can just creep on to four then to eight
then to unlimited nudges.
Plexter: Ahh, I get you.
Plexter: Talking about getting depressed, I mean that Saddam
Hussein...
Scoby: He's depressed isn't he? He is, he's constantly
depressed, like an accelerator in fast car..... constantly.
Plexter: Constantly.
Scoby: Ahh, Constantly. You know, I mean a man of his calibre
surely must know a few shortcuts to get to the jackpot.
Plexter: Well, I think he does. I think he just rams a bayonet
into the coin slot.
Scoby: On a bit of string?
Plexter: Aye, on string.
Scoby: So he can get it back out.
Plexter: Bayoneting the Bandit.
Scoby: Bayonet-in-the-bandit. But I mean, do you think he swears
at the bandit when he loses all his money?
Plexter: No, I think he kneels down and prays....
Scoby: To the bandit? It's not Buddah.
Plexter: What, the Buddah-Bandit in Sri Lanka....
Scoby: No, Buddah.
Plexter: The Buddah-Bandit in Sri Lanka....?
Scoby: That's right, it's not...
Plexter: It 'pays-out' in incense.
Scoby: It's not a god they're praying to, it's a bandit. The
problem is they're only on 110 AC, and they're all European bandits they've
got, so they can't use them.
Plexter: No, they've got some bloke on a pedelo in a shed,
trying to use a DC motor on it.
Scoby: That's right, but it won't work 'cos they haven't flicked
the switch on the back that swaps it over. But I mean of course, it will be
full of 10p's.
Plexter: Anyway, this Indian restaurant I was at... actually
it was in Wakefield.
Scoby: 'Whaaykfield'.
Plexter: Wakefield.
Scoby: 'Whaaykfield', right.
Plexter: And erm, well, after me omelette and chips which was
supposed to be Rogan Josh...
Scoby: Aye...
Plexter: I went to a nightclub. I think it was called Benny's
Nightclub.
Scoby: Benny's!?
Plexter: Benny's Of Wakefield. I went with Harry and Jim, the
two roofers from Garforth.
Scoby: But what about Hazel?
Plexter: Hazel? No, Hazel was in looking after t'babbi, 'cos
it's been teething and couldn't get Jill from down the road to do babysitting.
Scoby: I see, but tell me, has yer babbi got a teething ring
that you put in the fridge... wet?
Plexter: And allow small amounts of penicillin fungus to grow
on it?
Scoby: That's right. Also, have you got a baby-bath for yer
babbi?
Plexter: A baby-bath?
Scoby: Aye.
Plexter: No, we just use a bin-bag full of damp sponges, and
roll it around on the carpet.
Scoby: I know, but have you got a baby-bath stand?
Plexter: A stand?
Scoby: A stand for a baby...
Plexter: Don't you mean the bath-plinth?
Scoby: Have you got a baby-bath-plinth?
Plexter: And accessories?
Scoby: In the accessories....
Plexter: Have you got the Toy-Bar?
Scoby: I've got the baby-bath-stand transfers.
Plexter: Sixty quid from Makro?
Scoby: A hundred and sixty quid from Makro, for the
baby-bath-stand transfers.
Plexter: You didn't get a discount off Phil?
Scoby: No I didn't, what I did get was free teething-ring segs.
Plexter: For rompers.
Scoby: Designed.......
Plexter: I actually got a romper-suit made out of asbestos.
Scoby: Well, I had a romper-suit made out of chainmail for my
babbi. Leather-soled, horse-shoe segs and a chainmail romper-suit, with an iron
dummy.
Plexter: I wondered why your babbi's mouth was orange.
Scoby: Well, it wasn't really, it was just a massive wound.
Plexter: A woun.... why?
Scoby: It didn't have any gums, they were just shredded.
Plexter: Was it just pure bone?
Scoby: Well no, you see babbi were cryin' one night so I just
give it one of me running spikes to play with, and it just kept frappin' it's
gob with the spikes. So now it's got perforated gums.
Plexter: Anyway, at Benny's Club...
Scoby: Benny's Club.
Plexter: Aye, and err...
Scoby: Did they have a bandit?
Plexter: Oh, they had a bandit in the foyer.
Scoby: Did it? It wasn't a fifty-pound jackpot one was it?
Plexter: No, it was only a four-pound jackpot.
Scoby: Tokens?
Plexter: Tourkens. Just enough to get yer a pint and a packet
of cigs.
Scoby: And a Mars Bar? Do they sell confec....
Plexter: Oh, they had mars-bars-round-the-bar.
Scoby: At Benny's?
Plexter: Ah, Benny's.
Scoby: What sort of crip...
Plexter: A sort of....
Scoby: Did they get gammon... gammon crisps?
Plexter: Gammon crisps? Well, Forbuoys....
Scoby: Viscous...
Plexter: Forbuoys actually have erm...
Scoby: What, is that a club as well is it?
Plexter: ...a sort of freelance concessionary in Benny's.
Scoby: Is Forbuoys a nightclub as well?
Plexter: Only during the day, with mister what's-his-face,
mister frizzer.
Scoby: With Crane?
Plexter: DJ mister frizzer...
Scoby: And M.C. Crane.
Plexter: M.C. Crane-Neck on the till... on the T.I.L.
Scoby: "I am the T to the I to the L to the Let's Go!"
Plexter: Anyway...
Scoby: Aye, you were at Benny's.
Plexter: I was at Benny's. I put about forty-eight quid in
this bandit, mind you...
Scoby: Were you feeling sick?
Plexter: I'd won a tenner and put it back in.
Scoby: Yeh, that's like what you do do.
Plexter: I thought, "Oh, I'll go to the toilet.", and erm...
Scoby: What, to think your strategy for going back, for the next
fifty quid to go in?
Plexter: And as all the urinals were occupied...
Scoby: What, with tabs and things?
Plexter: No, with actual occupants.
Scoby: Ah, rather than just...
Plexter: Rather than bunged-up with erm, tabs and phlegm and
green things, I went in the cubicle, and by a process of breath and toilet
paper, I've actually managed to print money by breathing on to toilet paper,
pressed to a five pound note. And, with the club being so dark.
Scoby: They couldn't tell...
Plexter: They couldn't tell the difference.
Scoby: So, really what you did, you stocked the bandit up again,
because you just kept going back the bar and saying, "Can I Have Some Change
For The Bandit Please?".
Plexter: And we're not talking Skol Bandits.
Scoby: No, we're talking plug-in, 'leccy, four-pound jackpot
bandits.
Scoby: But, I mean let's be honest, have you ever been to a bar
and said, "Can I Have Some Change, For The Bandit Please?".
Plexter: No, I don't think I've been and asked specifically
'for the bandit'.
Scoby: But you've actually been to the bar and asked for
change...
Plexter: Yes I have actually been to the bar...
Scoby: ...that you knew was going into the bandit.
Plexter: It knew it was going to be lost. Anyway...
Scoby: It's funny, I mean I think I've actually lost a small
fortune in front of you haven't I?
Plexter: Yes.
Scoby: I believe erm....
Plexter: You could have bought some hi-fi gear.
Scoby: Yeh! I believe Paco lost a small fortune as well.
Plexter: I believe Paco has put a large amount of money into a
bandit, in his time.
Scoby: Is he a 'Banditist'?
Plexter: No, not anymore, no.
Scoby: But I mean, what have you seen him put in?
Plexter: I've seen him put a good fifteen pounds in, in one
go.
Scoby: Mind, of course I've slaughtered that...
Plexter: In twenty minutes.
Scoby: Oh, that is going isn't it?! I mean I think I've put
about thirty pounds in before.
Plexter: Thirty pounds?
Scoby: Yeh. I remember....
Plexter: My actual personal record is eleven pounds.
Scoby: Ha-Ha! What a waste!..... It's an expensive game isn't
it?!
Plexter: As you know, I was signing-on at the time.
Scoby: So you obviously had money to burn! You just wasted it
completely, you might as well have just thrown it away! Did you inform your
parents of this eleven pounds?
Plexter: No.
Scoby: I informed mine about that... I think one month I
actually disposed of about three hundred pounds.... into slots.
Plexter: Hey, you must have massive muscles on your arms
after...
Scoby: Well, I've developed an index-finger muscle because as
you know, sometimes a pound coin won't go in and you have to employ 'a trick'.
So, Aah! I can get a pound coin in any machine, whether it takes 'em or not.
But I think me all-time monthly record is about three hundred quid.
Plexter: Three hundred quid.
Scoby: In the bandits.
Plexter: In the bandits.
Scoby: But I think the most I've ever seen anyone put in in one
night was Mammoth. I think you know about this don't you?
Plexter: Yes.
Scoby: Sixty-three quid
Plexter: Sixty-three quid in one night.
Scoby: That's just disgusting. I bet he felt like...
Plexter: Topping himself.
Scoby: Like wet carpet.
Plexter: Anyway, with this forged money, I was getting all
this change, right.
Scoby: For the bandit.
Plexter: For the bandit, and erm, after twenty minutes all I
could manage was two cherries.
Scoby: What, is that a twenty-pence-win?
Plexter: A twenty-pence-win after twenty minutes.
Scoby: And what did you do, gamble it to forty and lose?
Plexter: Yes! Gambled it to forty... I got the forty...
Scoby: Forty-Pence!
Plexter: I got it...
Scoby: "Oh Yeh! I won one pound sixty!".
Plexter: But I put six quid in.
Scoby: I'll just put it back in.
Plexter: I've lost four-pounds-forty.
Scoby: I've lost. Happy at losing. I've only lost about ten
quid! Lost!
Plexter: There's no need for it.
Scoby: I've only slung a tenner.
Plexter: I put a fiver in but I got a quid...
Scoby: I got a quid back!
Plexter: Off me last fifty.
Scoby: Oh, just lend us another fifty pence, it's gonna drop!
Plexter: Yes it is, into the cash box.
Scoby: Ohhh... bandits.
Plexter: Anyway, on way home from Benny's, went to Cyril's
Chippy.
Scoby: What, for pie?
Plexter: For pie and chips, and he had some toejam portion
packs.
Scoby: Portion or Porschun?
Plexter: Porschun Packs.
Scoby: Porschun Packs.
Plexter: You know, they're actually toejam from
porsche-drivers' accelerators when they're wearing socks.
Scoby: Damp?
Plexter: Damp socks, yes. You know, they've been walking
around on slightly-rained-on-tarmac.
Scoby: Yeh, so they've got damp, warm, ....
Plexter: After they've been checking the tyre pressure.
Scoby: ...stinky socks. What sort of lining did the boots have?
Plexter: Oh, the boots?
Scoby: Aye.
Plexter: I think they were synthetic fur.
Scoby: What, viscose?
Plexter: They weren't viscose, no they were synthetic fur.
Scoby: Is that sort of like a brushed-nylon?
Plexter: Well, they were zip-up Timpson's.
Scoby: Were they instep or outsteps?
Plexter: Ah, probably outstep-zips.
Scoby: Outstep-zips, aye. Were they the 'Cowboy Style' boots?
Plexter: I think they were erm, 'Peruvian Bandit' style.
Scoby: Were they? They're quite rare over here aren't they?
Plexter: Quite rare yeh. They sort of look like erm,
high-heels.
Scoby: What, stilletoed-wellies? With steel toe-caps, with a
sling-back... Sling-Back Wellies! With gaiter-top.
Plexter: I think more like thigh-length, high-heeled Jesus
Sandals.
Scoby: What with literally thonged to the hilt.
Plexter: Thonged to your thighs.
Scoby: But obviously with a sling-back.
Plexter: Buckled to your inner-thighs.
Scoby: Nice.
Plexter: Of course, they're tan, thigh-length Jesus sandals.
Scoby: I thought they were in a cherry sort of red colour.
Plexter: Oxblood.
Scoby: Oxblood.
Plexter: Oxblood riders?
Scoby: Well, I remember I used to have some of those oxblood
lace-up boots. Do you remember them like lace-up, brogue boots?
Plexter: Oh you mean erm..... I know what you mean.
Scoby: Dealers.
Plexter: Dealers. Did you deal with them quite well?
Scoby: I dealt non-stop in them.
Plexter: Well you know, because all high quality casinos, all
the staff wear dealers.
Scoby: They wear dealers filled with segs. Blakeys.
Plexter: Even the manager.
Scoby: even the manager has, he....
Plexter: He has gold-plated segs.
Scoby: He has platinum segs.
Plexter: Platinum segs.
Scoby: With diamond, half-moon toe-tips. He even has segs on the
legs of his desk.
Plexter: They even put segs on the roulette ball.
Scoby: In fact, everything in the casino is made from segs.
Plexter: Even.... even the cards, are just segs.
Scoby: Flattened segs, painted.
Plexter: Hammered-out and painted.
Scoby: Hammered segs... sprayed. That's why a pack weighs about
six ton.
Plexter: And you know what you gamble with?
Scoby: Old leather in-soles.
Plexter: Sprayed with gold paint.
Scoby: Exactly. And lacquered.
Plexter: Known as chips in the trade.
Scoby: But all they are is...
Plexter: Small, flat pieces of leather the size of 10p's.
Scoby: That have just been soaked in paraffin.
Plexter: Abused by small pakistani children.
Scoby: 'Til they go shiny and grubby.
Plexter: Well, they're kept in a humidified room.
Scoby: What, these leather pieces?
Plexter: These leather pieces. And the daily smearing of
earwax by the casino manager, that's one of the top-jobs in gambling
