Ron

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that...bought a donut and the guy gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here...I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology...I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something...My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the lights a bunch of koala bears scatter, and I'm like "aw come on, stay here, I want to hold you...and feed you a leaf"...I like an escalator, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience...I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down...I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was thirty seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say, “What the fuck am I supposed to do now? The water’s only up to here. What should I do? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?...Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin ’round and round. I can’t do a back flip, much less several… simultaneously with two other guys… that look just like me...I wish I could play Little League now... I'd kick some fuckin' ass. I'd be way better than before. Who's back-up now?...I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Ron, and Pop. "Hey, how the fuck did he do that?" "In Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle."...Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper. But its a bullshit replica because dude didn't even get his degree. Dude! why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon!?...This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions that befuddle him, then you are winning, one to nothing. Are you happy now, you competitive fucker?"I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.