Barking Matt ®

Born 1957 -the same year as Osama bin Laden, Sid Vicious, and the European Union-, in a lonely old mansion near the ocean, Barking Matt alledgedly is partly descended from Borneo headhunters. From them he would have inherited his affinity to sharp implements & macabre trophies. He speaks / reads Dutch (including its archaic forms), English, French & German, plus some Italian, Latin, Gaelic, Hebrew & Malay, and has a basic understanding of ancient Egyptian.
In an earlier incarnation he won an MBA (Master of the Black Arts) from Transylvania University. Unfortunately this episode also left him with some undesirable behaviour during full moon. Both aspects clung to him in this life, and this led him c. 1975 to contact Professor Van Helsing in Amsterdam who managed to rehabilitate him. "Don't worry", Barking Matt comments, "I'm fully housetrained now".
When he got drafted in 1977, Barking Matt refused to join military intelligence, calling it "a contradiction in terms". So he did an involuntary stint as a tankdriver in the Dutch army, and as such he partook in the great manhunt for Holland's most notorious cereal killer, the Tuna Bomber.
Resuming his studies, he gained an honorary degree (BA) in Medieval Metaphysics from Miskatonic University (at Arkham, Massachusetts) in 1987. Oddly, in that period he also won the Israel Defence Forces' Distinguished Service Medal. Barking Matt can't or won't divulge the reason why either happened. Rumors have it, however, that he was involved in some unspeakable exploits in a valley near the ancient ruins of Megiddo (Israel), also known as Armageddon.
Anyway, in that same year 1987 he graduated (MA) in Art History & Classical Archeology from his Dutch alma mater. Leiden University (established 1575) is justly infamous for the ancient Egyptian magic scrolls and obscure medieval codices in its collection. Also, its Archeological Museum houses an entire Egyptian temple - rebuilt there stone by stone...
If you are unfamiliar with the goings-on at Leiden University, please read "A Singular Passage in the Life of the Late Henry Harris, D.D." in The Ingoldsby Legends by the Rev. Richard Barham (aka Thomas Ingoldsby). It's an oldie (original publication c. 1850), but still a good read. It can't be coincidental that the town of Leiden once gave refuge to numerous alledged Pilgrim Fathers who went on to settle the Arkham region in Massachusetts.
At Talamasca HQ Barking Matt is considered an authority on necromancy - if only because he managed to reach Van Helsing in 1975, since this already was an elderly guy in the 1890s. Proud member of "The Antient Order of the Knights who say Ni" (Chapter 42), black belt Origami, 140+ IQ, and "Keeper of the Staff of Ho Lin Wan" -won in a joust with Sir Loin-, he is currently in the Werewolf Protection Program, living undercover disguised as a Warner Bros cartoonist.
Some questions & observations: A dog, if bitten by a werewolf, may turn humanoid at full moon. True, the hills ARE alive, but that's the sound of horror... If possession is 9/10-ths of the law, exorcise your lawyers. By the way, "habeas corpus" smacks of necromancy.... Ancient Egyptian government had a Department of Silly Hats. People owning huge numbers of shoes realy are multipedal aliens. Life is a sexually transmitted condition - and it's fatal! If there's a tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Your garden gnome is a minion of evil. Paranoids DO have enemies. My computer hates me.
Warning: Subject is known for extreme acts of sillyness and is suspected of partaking in several cases of utter nonsense! Should be considered weird and curious at all times! Approach with cauldron.