PROJECT
SPLENDA
IS
CURRENTLY
ON
A
BREAK
(PERHAPS
A
PERMANENT
ONE)
We started in a basement with a terrible comedy act of diet syrup. The deafening cheers led us to write music. Our music inspired many talented artists such as Beyonce, Three Doors Down, and Alexi Laiho. We've traveled to many faraway lands such as Ohio, New Zealand, and Croydon. Our favorite place though was the Swiss Alps. After our hundred dollar contract with OJAM records, our music sales sky-rocketed and we became an instant success. We picked up many groupies along the way, most of which died from drug overdoses and bee stings.
In the fall of 1970, our third group member, Rob Sagert, was forced to leave the group after caught up in a scandalous act with numerous hairy Asians. We bought a microbus back in 1973 and went on our Bloody Daisy tour, playing at Houston, Pittsburgh, Boston, Chicago, Miami, and Nashville. In the 80s, we opened for many bands including the Scorpions, Europe, Dexy's Midnight Runners, and Culture Club. While opening for Culture Club, Boy and us became very well acquainted. But good things can never last forever. Alas, he gave us a few articles of clothing and we said our goodbyes. We decided to take a break from music for two years in the late 80s but came back in full force in 1990 with our Fluffy Graveyard Cursive tour. On this tour, we stopped at Cleveland where we picked up a groupie hippie girl named Jes. Unfortunately, she died that night and never lived again. After hitting it off big with our Fluffy Graveyard Cursive tour in the states, we decided it was time for Project Splenda to go international. We then kicked off our Veggie Burger Showdown tour where we found an old gipsie woman dancing topless in Norway. We immediately asked her to join the band as a backup dancer for our shows. After promising her whiskey, vodka, cat bones, and milkshakes, she couldn't say no. It was on this tour that we visited Croydon, New Zealand, and the Swiss Alps. All wonderful places to see, but the people are just fucked up. We ended our international tour in the winter of 1992 and sailed back to the states. But we encountered troubles on the high seas as we encountered a giant squid. Luckily, with Nosean's extreme double bass and Ether's cosmic keyboard, the beast was tamed. We are Project Splenda.
