Jay profile picture

Jay

I am here for Friends

About Me

Is it wrong to find shaven marsupials in miniature tuxedos feeding Bea Arthur in a gladiator outfit the sexiest thing around?
Oh. Ok. It is?
Just checking.
It's for a friend, I swear. Anyway, enough about him, lets talk about me. No, I don't find Bea Arthur all that attractive, but then again, I'm basing this strictly on a 1980's review of "The Golden Girls" television show, so I'm not completely discounting that possibly in her heyday (early 1950's?) she was quite attractive, in a large cro-magnon WNBA player kind of way. Actually, that's very mean.
Let me start over.
To anyone who is a major Bea Arthur fan, allow me to apologize. Your idol is freakishly large, and I'm sorry you are obsessed with her. I even know of some misguided but exceptionally attractive individuals that fantasize about her in a gladiator outfit and some weird hairless monkies. But I digress...
Lets talk about me some more, we kinda got off track.
I'm a guy, and that much I can completely vouch for. I'm also now 32 years old, born completely naked, crying, and a complete mess. I'm still kinda traumatized by it after seeing the action side of my mom's genitals. You would be too, but I was young and impressionable, and really, that wasn't the first sight I was aiming for in this world. Wow, this thing is a train wreck. Do over!
Hi.
I'm Jay.
Nice to meet you.
How YOU doin?
I live in St. Petersburg, which is a happening little burg, if you like bingo and trailer parks. I'm not saying we're back woods or anything, but the pace is a little slow. Like, really slow. We're talking old people having sex kind of slow. Forced, painful, somewhat tragically satisfying and horrific to bear witness to, but overall, not something you'd want to discuss in polite company.
Take some time to visualize that. Just let it seep in to the recesses of your mind. Oooh grandma. Yeah grandpa. Spank that baby powder up in a cloud. Work it like a walker with tennis balls on the feet.
Disturbing, no?
And that's just the town. As for me, well, I don't belong here.
Unfortunately, I haven't really found where I belong, but I'm pretty sure I'd get bored once I got there. So, I'm sticking it out over here. I have several interests, some of which do not revolve around sex involving me. I believe some people find them important, so we'll talk more about that, rather than the other stuff. I enjoy movies a great deal, and discussing them with friends and or companions. Mostly comedies, some action films, and the occasional romantic comedy. I'm a victim of Rob Reiner's Disease, after having been exposed to so many late 80's teen dramas in which the quirky misunderstood protagonist wins the girl of his dreams by just being himself and romancing the living crap out of her. Today, they call that stalking. So, I have to maintain a healthy balance of yesterday and today. I won't be the guy standing in the rain blasting Peter Gabriel songs from an over sized jukebox, but I would settle for a slow drive by of Reel Big Fish's - I'm Drunk Again when I go by your apartment. Hey, we've all gotta have our standards.
I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, or at least that's what all my friends who never call me say. I'm relatively outgoing, but I have my moments of awkwardness and shyness, mostly do the embarrassment of not being as confident with women as I may appear. I value personality and communication as a key asset to a friend or prospective date, but I'm not so damn deep that I don't prefer attractive people to hang around with. Also, no carnival folk. Sorry, it's just a rule. Plus, HBO is seriously freaking me out lately. Of course, as soon as I start getting into the show, they cancel it. My artistic tastes are a kiss of death as far as mainstream media goes. I am the anti-Nealson family.
I'm exceptionally computer literate (would that make me fluent?), but I also enjoy physical things such as walking, breathing, and going to the refrigerator and the bathroom. Just kidding. I play tennis, roller blade, and go to the gym when time permits, but mostly after catching a view of myself naked on the way to the shower, and swearing to do something to try to recapture my old physique. I'm a former Marine, but you'd never know it, because I don't brag about it, despite having a whole bunch of fun and potentially legally liable stories to tell. I have a serious job, that I use to pay the majority of my bills with on or around the relative date of being late and or delinquent. I also have a car that is worth much less than I owe the bank, gets worse gas mileage than it should, and is slowly causing me to lose my hearing. I blame society's desire to make me want to stick it to the man by playing loud music.
I'm hopelessly romantic and optimistic, but I'm a sucker for punishment when it comes to relationships. I treat each one like it's the very first, and even get butterflies on a first date, despite being old enough to remember when Michael Jackson and David Hasslehoff was cool. But lets be honest, David Hasslehoff is still pretty damn cool. He doesn't give me butterflies though. Unless he's singing in German. Then, it's hot.
I wish I knew what I was looking for, but I have no clue. All I know is that I don't have it. I'll figure it out as I go. It may hurt, it may make me smile, but it'll be fun either way. Unless there's clowns involved. Then it's kinda tragic and sad, even if there's nudity involved (and there always is, in the end).
Much love. As always, stay black, and don't forget to kill whitey.[LOVEMYFLASH][/LOVEMYFLASH]

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

A lot of men say they want a woman with personality, but they never really define what type of personality they're looking for. Plus, that's totally the game show answer. It's bullshit. You know it. I know it. The drunken skank hovering by the bar at last call knows it. So let me narrow down the selection criteria.

1. Breasts. Yours. Now. 2. Umm, sorry, I lost my train of thought. I was focusing on #1. 3. Profit

I would like like to visit new and exotic locations, introduce myself to their strange and bizarre customs, and promptly violate the local populace with a feather duster and turkey baster. It's my little way of spreading the American spirit. Beats dropping bombs on them if you ask me. Winning hearts and minds, people. Hearts and minds!

I would also like to meet your mom. I hear a great deal about her. About her body size, about how attractive she is, and various other specifics regarding her hygene, ass size, and the color of her teeth. She's very popular, because I have overheard many a rambunctious verbal duel regarding her from the gentlemen in the cell next to mine. I wonder if I should introduce myself and invite them to a nice game of cribbage out on the yard. I might even share my a spot of tea with them, provided they agree to not anally violate me.

On the serious side, I know I'm looking for someone special. That means one night stands, booty calls, stupid women, and e-sluts can step off. I'm not the hottest guy on the internet, but I'm genuine and I know who I am. I treat my lovers very well and I don't tolerate being mistreated in any fashion. I have a bright future, and I want someone who will not only share it with me, but possibly outshine me.

Provided I can get her naked and open to suggestions.Add Comment

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My Blog

She

She said that she wasnt looking for salvationNot seeking redemption or emancipation From himBecauseHim was who had hurt her andHim was who had defined her Entwined her andHim togetherAnd whetherShe w...
Posted by on Tue, 05 May 2009 00:25:00 GMT

Reggie Eldridge - Conjure Man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhjPzh48p-I Dat boy's good!
Posted by on Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:40:00 GMT

Ayinde Russell - For Micah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_11i-OlBCc Damn.
Posted by on Sat, 28 Feb 2009 12:34:00 GMT

Wally B - God Gave Me Girls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I60Ag7x22do For all the other daddies out there.
Posted by on Sat, 28 Feb 2009 06:34:00 GMT

Why Dating Sites Piss Me Off, Dammit (Autobiographical)

Right.  Let's just get this shit straight right off the batI don't like going out to barsStanding around like a douche all nightSipping on a watered down drinkAnd pretending to give a flying fuck abou...
Posted by on Mon, 23 Feb 2009 21:53:00 GMT

I Ain't No Joke (Drama llama inside!)

See, according to one particular source, I am.At least, as a father.Because I work weekends, nights, days, and do whatever I can to make ends meet and get ahead without having a source of employment t...
Posted by on Sat, 31 Jan 2009 17:30:00 GMT

Jay's first comedic film endeavor. Please laugh at my expense.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cooFklF4Tbg This is the final project from my Summer Introduction to Filmmaking Class at Eckerd College. The story, although convoluted, is about a prince ...
Posted by on Sun, 11 Jan 2009 07:43:00 GMT

NEW VIDEO - Lizz Straight - Mudpies

For those of you who missed it, (and I'm sure there's a lot of you) this last Saturday was WMNF 88.5's live showing of Poetry Is hosted by the one and only miss Lizz "Sweet Ass" Straight.  Actual...
Posted by on Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:08:00 GMT

Fuck you Sirius / XM merger and your shit-tastic new lineup

So that awesome new merger of the two major satellite radio companies finally went through, and now we have a brand new lineup of channels.In short, they fucking suck.No, that's not really fair. ...
Posted by on Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:07:00 GMT

Neither trick nor treat

You know, sometimes I wonder if some of the shit that happens to me is sometimes part of a grand comedic scheme, meant to entertain some sadistic universal power.  Now, I know that sounds arrogan...
Posted by on Sat, 01 Nov 2008 03:13:00 GMT