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Too many to list, but friends are among the top. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. When you smile, I will know you finally got laid. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. When you are confused, I will use little words. When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. A friend is someone who is always at your side. A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like shit. A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly. A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself. A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life. A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs. A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the cleaning lady. A friend is not someone who sends you shitty chain letters because he wants his wish of his crush sucking his schlong him to come true.LIFE LESSONS AND THOUGHTS: A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A boiled egg is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture: a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night. Old people always have exact change. Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room." Women who sound sexy on the radio weigh 377 pounds. Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads. In movies Italians can play Jews and Jews can play Italians, but neither can play Lutherans. No talking at the urinal. White cars look good only on Fantasy Island. Lesbians make the best breakfast. No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase, "Yeah, right" without sounding sarcastic. Never trust a man with pictures of balloons on his checks. Women named after a month of the year are usually frisky. The sniffing of one's finger is a pleasure best indulged discreetly. Inviting others to sniff one's finger: more discreetly still. Stewardesses from Third World airlines are much more attractive than those of developed countries. Never play cards with a man who wears a visor. The dumber the man, the louder he talks. Born-again Christians have the most meticulously parted hair. Unless you are a Pilgrim, large shoe buckles are to be avoided. A man should avoid using the phrase "assume the position" on the first date. The last people who should be having kids are always the first to do so. Seat belts do wrinkle your suit, but so do windshields. The fatter the man the smaller the swimsuit. The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person. Walking into Staples and shouting, "Hey, where are the staples?" isn't funny. Pennies are inappropriate at strip clubs. Dogs with bandanas around their necks are not pleased with the accessory. Captain Crunch should be Admiral Crunch by now. Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you. There's a special circle in Hell reserved for those who adjust their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space. A gentleman never considers sexual activity until the dog has been sent to another room. Pretending to get all confused in the elevator and pressing her nipple instead of a floor button will not get you laid. No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you are looking at their breasts. People who begin sentences by saying "With all due respect," are in fact preparing to impart loads of disrespect. Never trust a man who knows all the dance steps to "Bye, Bye, Bye." There's no thrill like the thrill of getting cash in the mail. People who live in glass houses watch 65% less porn. The lower a waiter bends down when introducing himself, the less the should be trusted. A tattoo of a teardrop is not a sign of sensitivity. The best villains have accents and walk slowly. The wackier a doctor's neckties, the less prestigious his medical school. The allure of strip clubs drops dramatically when your girlfriend works in one. Horizontal stripes on your boxers will not make your penis appear larger. When you die, they will find your porn. Your bumper sticker is only 3 percent as clever as you think it is. Lemme is the best of the faux contractions, followed by gimme. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. You don’t know a women till you’ve met her in court. My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures. A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. It’s much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship. You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog. If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?