Dr. Gregory [H]ouse: [H]ead of Diagnostics

To All Whom This May Concern: Hi there, my name is Dr. Gregory House…. House to those of my friends... of whom I have none… As I am sure you have noticed I walk with this cane… No it’s not because it makes me look cooler but it’s because of my bum leg…. Alright if you must know… about six years ago I suffered an infarction in my leg… For those of us without PhD’s in medicine… it’s a big fancy way of saying something gets in the way of your blood going to your leg and then the vein goes boom… The muscle in my leg died and now I walk with the cane ok? I graduated from John Hopkins University with a PhD in Infectious Disease and Nephrology… those are just big words that mean I am smarter then you! I treat patients at the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital and Walk in Clinic in New Jersey… Though I would prefer if I didn’t have to do the second part… If you come in to see me in the clinic you may notice that I am a cold, heartless son of a bitch... that’s ok, I don’t really like you either… If you are particularly annoying you may see me reach for a prescription bottle in my pocket... they’re Vicodin… pain med… they’re mine and you can’t have any… I take them for “pain management” not because they are yummy... Of course this could mean when I am seeing you I am totally high but who knows… let’s find out… I am the best diagnostician in the United States... and if it wasn’t for my great name, and my tenure ... Dr. Lisa Cuddy, my incredibly gorgeous boss, or as I like to call her Mien Fuehrer, would have fired me months ago… I have no bedside manner so get over it…I don’t treat patients because I like them or want to help… I treat the disease to figure out the puzzle… I live off the fact that everybody lies, you are no exception I am sure of it… Don’t expect me to listen, visit, or believe you… If I could work it, I would never have to see a patient… When I do have to see a patient I work with a supposedly crack team of young doctors… Personally I feel like the kid who won the Cracker Jack prize that nobody wants... Let’s see if I can remember about them… I try not to have too many connections with people… makes you soft… There’s Dr. Allison Cameron... hot, sexy, and totally hopeless when it comes to emotions, the phrase “cry at the drop of a hat” was created for her, she specializes in Immunology... Then there is Dr. Robert Chase Jr. … Annoying and young and really in the job for the money…. Not the same way I am, he would prefer to only treat those with money if you catch my drift... this Australian can’t handle the fact that I am always right, which I am… I think he specializes in annoying me but he tells me, he is actually an Intensivist… Hmmm didn’t know that one… Then there is Dr. Eric Foremen… Don’t really know what to say about him... he drives me crazy but is the only one that can really stand up to me... Really though I hired him because he knows how to break into houses... But supposedly he also specializes in Neurology… I had no idea. Then there is Dr. James Wilson... he’s a good egg... a little slow and a little impetuous when it comes to women, but all over a good egg... he is the only person I consider to be a friend… He specializes in Oncology and I don’t really envy him his job… When he and I need a break we hide in the clinic and pretend to see patients… Seriously, I wouldn’t have become a doctor except for all that money… Too many sick people… When we hide out we usually watch General Hospital or just talk… can’t really remember about what, but we do… really! Sometimes if I get bored, which is often, I enjoy playing my Game boy…If I am doing that don’t bother me… it’s rude and it makes me very angry… So if you are ever in town and have a really bad cold or interesting rash... Don’t come and see me… I don’t like you and I don’t want to meet you… Anyways I say good luck figuring out which one I am… I don’t wear a lab coat… Hate the thing… or was it that my launder ruined it… or that I am allergic to it… Oh I can’t remember, you decide which one you feel most comfortable with and then leave me alone… Thanks….Gregory House, M.D. PhD. Infectious Disease and Nephrology John Hopkinton’s University Head of Department of Diagnostics Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital
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