Here's a little something from one of my favorite people ever.
Amy's Christmas
Just the night before Christmas and Amy was pissed,
She hadn't yet started her Christmassy list.
It troubled her mind to think she would get nothing
on the day when even the poor kids got something.
She needed a plan and she needed one quick,
How would her apartment look to Saint Nick?
No yuletide flair, no cheer of the season,
she wanted the gifts, he needed a reason.
Her roommates weren't helping like she wanted them to,
One was an atheist, the other a Jew.
And so she was left, to the night all alone,
but she had to bring spirit to this unchristian home.
So she sat and she uttered, "what can be done,"
"to make this boring Christmas a little more fun?"
Then the devil appeared in a cloak of bright red.
"maybe celebrate something- not Christmas- instead"
"No thanks," she replied, "I'm not doing well,"
"But I'd rather spend Christmas alone than in hell"
"Whatever" said Satan, "It's boring down there"
So he took off his hat and sat down on a chair.
"I really want gifts." "Now that's just being greedy"
"I could steal from the rich!" "You could steal from the needy!"
So she sat and she thought, he summoned a beast.
"I need some ideas... one good one at least."
It hit her like green beans, the frozen food kind,
"Can you still change water into red wine?"
"Hello, I'm the devil!" he said with a sneer,
"And just why the hell are you even here?!"
She returned to her thinking, and he to his chair.
He playing with a demon, she played with her hair.
She had it at last, and then jumped to her feet.
Tand out the door, and into the street.
She stopped at a window all Christmasified.
She gazed at the tree and smiled real wide.
There were cookies, a tree and lights all around,
and various presents spread out on the ground.
"I don't want the gifts, I'll soon have my own,"
"I just need the stuff to bring Christmas home"
So inside she went for the door was not locked.
Lucky for her, the family, it sucked.
She took all their decor with a smile most disturbing,
in fact Charles Manson would have found it perturbing.
She ran back down the lane with the stuff in a sack,
she seemed rather awkward, and it was hurting her back.
When she reached her apartment he was already there
She had to admit that it gave her a scare.
Saint Nick was waiting for her to get back
He pulled a lead pipe out from his sack
He then said to her in a voice that was quite booming
"Just what the hell do you think you are doing?"
"Did you think that I'd be too busy to see,
a small girl like you run full speed with a tree?"
"I'm sorry," she said, and he could tell that she was,
So he waved his finger and left with the stuff.
But then on the couch there was something quite large.
A pretty red box, with a little red card.
"Dear Amy," it read, "you dumb little hag,"
"You know I had something for you in my bag"
"It's okay though, I know it's real tough all alone,"
"To be away from your family and out on your own."
"But don't just steal other people's shit! That's just not right"
"Merry Christmas you bitch... and have a good night!"
She opened the box and inside she looked hard
Ten thousand cookies and another red card.
"Now look what I get at the end of my night,
so if you don't get squat, you're doin' alright"
"The return for my money is completely denied,
most cookies are stale or all burnified."
"So this year you don't have any new stuff
just haves you a cookie and shut the hell up!"
She sat back on the couch and she knew it was true
At least this bad night was just about through.
"Damn that was rough" and she sighed with relief,
So she ate her a cookie and turned on the tv.
The End
-The Greg
