James Bauer profile picture

James Bauer

I am a MAN!! I am an... ANCHORMAN!!!

About Me

So, you want to know about me, do you? Of course you do. That's why you've just come across the best page on the site. Congratulations, and I welcome you with open arms! (Unless you're poor. Or fat.) Ok, about me then. My big interest is drawing, I toiled for years on an illustration degree in the hope I will someday become the new Da Vinci. He wore great wigs. I fancy that lifestyle... oh, um, moving on; you'll most likely find me in the cinema at least once a week, twice if there's something good on. As long as the film has a car chase in it, I'll try and stay awake. I like cars; I'm no mechanic, but I love the noise of the engine and the styling of the 50's/60's machines. And I guess my other big interest is games (of the video variety; board games are for accountants and people too large to unwedge themselves from the table); I've spent so many hours shooting bad men and driving fast cars that I'm surprised it hasn't spilled out into real life... What's that? Oh. Got to go. Apparantly, writing a profile while undertaking a high-speed car chase is hampering my ability to shoot straight. I was sure I lost them at that last interchange... MyGen Profile Generator

My Interests

Drawing, cinema, theatre, occasionally going to the pub where I drink mostly lemonade and if I'm feeling adventurous possibly a shandy, cars, games. My favourite is probably Grand Theft Auto: Vice City; the 80's cars, music, city and general vibe are tuned to ABSOLUTE perfection. But I do really like GoldenEye, Perfect Dark, Street Fighter, Zelda, Burnout, Metal Gear Solid, Sonic the Hedgehogs 1 - 3 (Adventure? HEROES?? Sod off), any Mario game, Shadow of the Colossus, God Of War (though 2's even better, brilliantly), Beyond Good and Evil, Aladdin, Resident Evil 4, Metroid, Freedom Fighters, Die Hard: Vendetta, Splinter Cell, Hitman, Prince of Persia, Okami, Halo (even though it really has physically destroyed my 360 from the inside), Gears Of War, any games that offer hours of fun humiliating your mates; Smash Bros Melee, Mario Kart, TimeSplitters. Actually they humiliate me, but we'll gloss over that. Apart from Smash Bros. I WILL destroy any challengers to that throne.

I'd like to meet:

Whoever nicked my new mobile phone two months after my 18th birthday. I'll give you such a slap of the upside the head variety you won't know what hit you, you merciless cretin. I cried myself to sleep that night. Oh no, wait...... OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!! This is a 'Prime' (aha!) example of how to make a summer event movie that will actually entertain the audience rather than subject them to well over two hours of bum-knawing tedium. Obviously the story is going to be total arse, but it has ROBOTS - that turn into big cars, fighter planes and various big hurty things - having some war and blowing each other up in magnificently huge and violent explosions by using enormous guns, cannons and the power of the giant metallic fists! And they DO actually make THAT sound when they transform - YES!! Check out Prime engaging another Transformer in a serious one on one fight - EXACTLY what I want to see: simple but so very, very effective!! Fuck off, Raimi. MARCH 19TH: it arrives on DVD. What's that? Simply an excuse to put another picture of Casino Royale on here? Damn right!
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Haven't got one. Too poor.
Birthday: 5th June. Same as MARK WHALBERG!!! Shit.
Birthplace: Barnetland, Englandland.
Current Location: Still Barnetland. Can't find the sodding door.
Eye Colour: Blue. Lovely, crystal blue.
Hair Colour: Let's not fuck about; I'm a ginge. Let's all move on.
Height: 6'3"
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right.
Your Heritage: Smidgen of Irish. Explains why I'm a bit thick. Only a bit, mind.
The Shoes You Wore Today: Denim-trimmed Reeboks. Chavvy, INNIT?
Your Weakness: Kryptonite. Unless you boil it up, then it's bloody awesome.
Your Fears: Spiders can just fuck right off.
Your Perfect Pizza: Oh, whack it all on. Spoil me.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Afford an electric razor. Honestly, wet-shaving while half-awake amid the chaos of a five person household at 7am? I'm surprised my face is still on. Of course, I could just be cack-handed.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: Don't use it. I interact with real people.
Thoughts First Waking Up: Fuck... I... am.... GORGEOUS!!!
Your Best Physical Feature: Have you seen my face?? God bashed me in with a hammer and slapped me on the way out of the mould. Someone give the guy an asbo.
Your Bedtime: is quite nice when it comes around.
Your Most Missed Memory: If I remember it, it's not missed, is it?
Pepsi or Coke: Coke. Of the Diet kind. Pepsi is piss-water.
MacDonalds or Burger King: BURGER KING!! MaccyD's gives you a free Buzz Lightyear, though. It's a tempting offer......
Single or Group Dates: Single. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a TOTAL idiot.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: PG Tips, you fucking imbeciles. Tea is a warm drink. You wouldn't chuck a hot cup of Cola down your throat, would you? Honestly.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Well, cappuccino does come with a lovely biscuit.
Do you Smoke: Prats smoke.
Do you Swear: DO I FUCKING SWEAR?? I don't as it goes, no.
Do you Sing: Christ, yeah. Foreigner, Rod Stewart....
Do you Shower Daily: By myself?
Have you Been in Love: Thought I was. Turned out it was food-poisoning.
Do you want to go to College: Nope. Went to uni on an unconditional offer, though. Probably because I'm so fucking awesome. Done nothing for me, mind. Maybe I should've actually turned up, but there we go.
Do you want to get Married: Yeah, I think so. Not today, though. We'll miss Lost.
Do you get Motion Sickness: Used to. I DRIVE the car now, so I'd better not.
Do you think you are Attractive: Fucking hell, no. I make a good pasta, though.
Are you a Health Freak: Couldn't give a monkey's. Dropped a creme egg under the wheels at one point; bit of gravel never hurt anyone. Not gonna waste a perfectly good Creme Egg.
Do you get along with your Parents: They poison my wine and ate my dog.
Do you like Thunderstorms: Make me wet my pants and hide.
Do you play an Instrument: Did recorder. Did violin. Gave up, watched TV.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: And then some.
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Nope.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Nope.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Oh yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: What the FUCK are Oreos?? Can you eat it??
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Raw fish-corpse is not food.
In the past month have you been on Stage: I have, actually. No-one was watching though. School was closed.
In the past month have you been Dumped: Nope. I hear it's a fucking nightmare, though.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Blokes can't skinny dip over here; it'd snap off like an icicle.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Nope. Underpaid and ran at the chinese, though.
Ever been Drunk: Can't say I have.
Ever been called a Tease: Yeah. By a bloke.
Ever been Beaten up: Few times. But I gave as good. Won a couple for my efforts.
Ever Shoplifted: Mints, when I was a reckless toddler. And I HATE mint!!
How do you want to Die: In a way that won't be embarassing, like my arse hanging out at the time or something.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Older. If it goes in reverse, I'm fucked.
What country would you most like to Visit: Austrailia. They have beer and kangaroos.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Doesn't matter.
Favourite Hair Color: You're kidding, right? Like I can judge!
Short or Long Hair: Depends if you've had it cut now, doesn't it?
Height: Women don't come 6'3". Has to be shorter by default.
Weight: Do you crack the ground when you walk? No? You're OK, then.
Best Clothing Style: Christ, I don't do style! I dress by cheapness.
Number of Drugs I have taken: None. Ever. That's one thing I'm proud of. 'You've got nothing to lose?' You've got nothing to fucking gain either, don't be a prat.
Number of CDs I own: Loads. All 80's I'm afraid, no 'Diddly', 'Six-Pac' or 'Fifty Pence' here.
Number of Piercings: I've got enough holes in my body without some tosser sticking more in. I'd be afraid to pee.
Number of Tattoos: I'm a man. We can't handle the pain. Unless you're a girly-man.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Oh fuck, loads.

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Music:

A real variety here. As far as bands go I'm stuck in the 80's for a lot of the time, due to the unfortunate situation of today's music being manufactured solely for uncultured sacriligeous little thugs: we've got all sorts - Foreigner, Journey, Jan Hammer, The Who, REM, Whitesnake, Rainbow, Genesis, Phil Collins, Chris Rea, Peter Gabriel, Paul Carrack, U2. We can go FURTHER back if you include The Rat Pack; Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and the like. And Bobby Darin. I buy a lot of soundtracks to stuff too, especially things like Pirates of the Caribbean and Gladiator. Pretty much anything by the likes of Thomas Newman, John Murphy, James Newton Howard, Mark Isham, John Williams, Hans Zimmer etc.

Movies:

Die Hard is my absolute favourite movie, without a doubt. I enjoy all three, but for sheer spectacle, the original is hard to beat. Action films in general are my genre, but I like so many films I couldn't name them all here. Oh, let's try; ALL James Bond (apart from the LOATHESOME Die Another Day, which thankfully doesn't really exist and was all just an incredibly bad dream), CASINO ROYALE, the Bourne films, Anchorman, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Serenity, The (original) Hitcher, The Beast of War, Lord of the Rings, Gladiator, Blade Runner, Aliens, Mad Max 1-3, Lethal Weapon 1-4, The Last Boy Scout, Batman Begins, Superman, Pirates Of The Caribbean, Ghostbusters, Aladdin, Hunchback of Notre Dame, Jurassic Park, The Incredibles, Toy Story 1&2, Back to the Future, The Rock, Black Hawk Down, The Godfather, Terminator 1&2, Predator, Heat, The Good The Bad and The Ugly..... no, I give up.

Television:

Due South (best programme ever, everyone go hang), Simpsons, Futurama, Miami Vice, Nash Bridges, The Crystal Maze (less so with Ed Tudor-Pole it has to be said but, good on the fella, he tried his hardest), Airwolf, A-Team, Knight Rider, Only Fools and Horses, Deal or No Deal (hilarious stuff - Pastor Edmonds using his "self help" strategy on a gospel choir of an audience to tempt them with a big pile of money), Top Gear, Transformers, Thundercats, The Raccoons, CSI (except not even Horatio "When Worlds Collide" Caine can save the car crash that is now Miami), Scrubs, Lost (though it's too long and they're tearin the arse out of my patience, but its so addictive dammit), Battlestar Galactica, James Cameron's Dark Angel, "24", Firefly, Deadwood. Actually, I watch far too much telly.

Books:

Magazines count, right? No?? Bugger. OK, being a Bond fan, Ian Flemings MASTERFUL spy thrillers are top of the pile. Lord of the Rings was a bloody nightmare though. Thank God for the films.

Heroes:

..

My Blog

EA, Ale and the GLORY OF SPARTA!!!

So, thought it was about time to update this journal since a fair amount has happened over the last few months that isn't related to the dark, brooding Marks and Spencer Empire and raucous nights on t...
Posted by James Bauer on Fri, 04 May 2007 09:51:00 PST

Top 5 Films Of 2007

Yep, it's 2007!! 2006 was truly a varying year in terms of film quality; though my first film of 2007 was Casino Royale, so magnificently the best film of this year is also the best film of last year!...
Posted by James Bauer on Sun, 28 Jan 2007 09:55:00 PST

2006: A Year In Film

I got my very first Cineworld card earlier this year, and after a rampant clean up of my room I discovered most of my tickets! So I thought I'd go over all the films I've seen this year, thanks to Ci...
Posted by James Bauer on Wed, 27 Dec 2006 10:45:00 PST

Casino Royale!! Gears of War!! Don Johnson??

The run up to Christmas has been a bit rubbish this year, all told; I'm unemployed, poor and been diagnosed with eczema by my GP (though he bears more than a passing resemblance to Rick Moranis, so he...
Posted by James Bauer on Tue, 19 Dec 2006 03:30:00 PST

My God, The Bourne Supremacy's good innit?

Two weeks into working for the Marks & Spencer Empire, and I'm feeling quite on the edge, hence this rather shambolic and pointless journal entry. Plus the god-awful realisation that I've most lik...
Posted by James Bauer on Sat, 18 Nov 2006 03:50:00 PST

More Top 5's (Yep, I'm bored!)

Oh good God, you know you're bored out of your skull when you find yourself 'blogging' on here for no apparent reason at all! So, seeing as I've been literally inundated with a comment for my last Top...
Posted by James Bauer on Sat, 14 Oct 2006 05:24:00 PST

Top Five Films of the Year (in my humble opinion)

After becoming the proud owner of a Cineworld card earlier this year, putting a curb on the chain's constant mugging of my wallet, I have relentlessly exhausted the living hell out of it and gone...
Posted by James Bauer on Sat, 07 Oct 2006 06:02:00 PST

My Cornish Odyssey

Cornwall is a fantastic place. Its the birthplace of King Arthur, home of the biggest satellite station on earth, and the natural breeding ground of the mighty Pasty. And after two years, it was time ...
Posted by James Bauer on Sun, 27 Aug 2006 10:13:00 PST

Welcome back, 47. It's been far too long........

As I tiptoe down the steps to the basement of the Parisian Opera House, the sounds of Tosca ricochet through the vast corridors and hallways before me. I reach the bottom; locked. I could pick th...
Posted by James Bauer on Sun, 28 May 2006 12:19:00 PST

A chance to rant? For FREE?? Right, off we go then.......

Ooh, my first blog! At the moment, the old electronic world interweb homestead thing is a bit sparse after knocking it up in between episodes of Due South: quite possibly the classiest programme on th...
Posted by James Bauer on Sun, 21 May 2006 02:39:00 PST