My name is Colonel Paul Foster and, for your information, I am an indispensable officer in SHADO (Supreme Headquarters Alien Defense Organization). In my spare time, I like to take long saunas (just as long as I don't dream that I have been kidnapped by the aliens) and I enjoy casual sex with gorgeous women of all nationalities. I used to be a test pilot, before I joined SHADO.
I can still remember that fateful day, when I was piloting the XB-104, an experimantal high altitude aircraft, along with my co-pilot, Jim. At first, everything was normal. But when I began telling Jim about my last visit to a nudist sauna camp, suddenly, a mysterious object appeared on the horizon. At first, I thought it was just another aircraft. But when Jim and I got a closer look, we both realized that we were witnessing a spacecraft of unknown origin. Thinking fast, Jim began snapping cine film and photographs of the UFO, like he had done many times before through the windows of his swinging neighbors. I was startled when a second unknown spacecraft appeared and fired a missile at the UFO. Unfortunately, for Jim and myself, the XB-104 was hit by debris from the destroyed UFO. The rest of is kind of fuzzy. I remember the XB-104 rapidly lost altitude and I somehow managed to eject before the aircraft crashed. Sometime later, I awoke in the hospital and. almost immediately, asked the busty blond nurse if she would like to take a sauna with Jim and I. That's when I was informed that Jim had not managed to eject from the XB-104. Poor bastard! We had plans to attend a sauna orgy next week, if Jim could manage to convince his wife that he had to go out of town on business. But now, Jim was dead and he would never attend another sauna orgy!
Unfortunately, no one believed my story about seeing a UFO. In fact, I was blamed for Jim's death by the maker of the XB-104! Naturally, I had to prove my innocence or I would never be allowed to fly again. I quickly remembered the cine film and photographs of the UFO that Jim had taken. If only I could find them, I could conclusively prove that the crash of the XB-104 was not my fault.
Around this time, I met a very creepy man named Dr. Douglas jackson, who actually attempted to convince me that I was deluded that I had never seen a UFO. Of course, at the time, I had no idea that Dr. Jackson worked for SHADO or that he spent his spare time attending Judy Garland-themed sauna parties when he wasn't washing brains. Dr. Jackson also tried to convince that, because I enjoyed casual sex with numerous women and couldn't commit to a monogymous relationship, that I was a latent homosexual. I glared at the effeminate-looking man sitting across from me and snapped, "Well, I don't know much about psychology but, I do remember what projection is, Dr. Jackson." Then, in a lame effort to change the subject, Dr. Jackson showed me a copy of the cine film that Jim had taken. Not surprisingly, the UFO no longer appeared in the film, which was obviously doctored. Immediately afterwards, Dr. Jackson said, "Would you like to watch Brokeback Mountain with me?" Naturally, I declined.
Well, to make a long story short, soon afterwards, I was introduced to Commander Ed Straker, who was-unbeknowst to me-testing me for a prospective job with SHADO. Now, although I have all the respect in the world for Commander Straker, I should mention that, during our first cryptic meeting at the Harlington-Straker Film Studio, I wanted to murder the damned albino son of a bitch for playing such cruel games with my mind. Unless you have wactually worked for him, you have absolutely no idea how much of a prick Commander Straker can be. Did he actually have to carry around that cheap concussion gun just to intimidate me? Or turn that enormous studio fan on me? Let me tell you, later, when I was hypnotized by the aliens, I actually sort of enjoyed threatening Commander Straker. Of course, I did not actually want to kill him but, it was fun to make him think that I did. Well, I feel like taking a long sauna, before I meet up with a pair of redheaded teen twins, who are still in Catholic school. Damn! I hope I don't fall asleep in the sauna and dream that the aliens kidnap me again. That could really ruin my plans for the evening. And I want to introduce those twins to the wonderful world of Tantric Sex.