About Me
I (vocals) awoke one sunny, shitty day in the foul year of 1957 with a hangover that would've made a bullfrog shit blood... Some asshole was playing guitar at a completely unreasonable volume for this time in the afternoon. After throwing a few empty bottles at him, I was able to discern that this jerk was playing some sick shit! After vomiting in the hamper in the hovel we found ourselves in, I introduced myself, and we decided we needed to combine our forces and disturb the slumber of hungover people everywhere. Between '57 and '62, a vocalist and guitar player were all this band consisted of due to a lack of talent and (or) stability on the part of anyone who came to tryout. In early '63, a break was made in the bass player department when we found a guy in a local bar throwing shit at the bartender, who for some dumb reason cut him off (who cuts someone off before noon anyway... right?). We noticed he had a bass guitar strapped to his back, and an amp handcuffed to his wrist, so we took him with us before the cops showed up. Reinvigorated by new blood, we doubled our search for a drummer. It was a frustrating search that wasn't going well until I got ahold of a Jamaican psychic who alerted me of a genetic engineering farm just outside of South Park Colorado that grew test tube babies and sold them to bands who needed drummers. So we headed out to this farm to find out what the score was. Soon after we arrived, we were told that the big sale they just had, cleaned them out of all but one delapitated model. The mongoloid they had left was a complete mess. He wouldn't pull his hands out of the crack of his arse unless you promised him used baby diapers, or drugs of any sort... He had an obsession with pissing on his shoes while they were on his feet (he claimed this was Madonna's cure for athletes foot!) Anyway, we gave them $225.00 (even though the price tag around his ankle said $300.00) and we split.. We were pleased with the new addition to our happy little disfunctional family, and have never looked back since.... Many years have passed since then, and the young men in this story are now old and grey. We've come a long way since the '60's.... Mr. Pants (our mongoloid drummer) has kicked his drug induced child molesting habbit, and received a teaching degree, (so now its Professor Pants). Our bass player, (we'll call him bass player) never quit drinking, even when he was drafted into the war, and discharged for the unnessesary death of women and children. Our guitar God is now almost completely deaf, and still plays at even more unreasonable volumes. Together, him and the Professor are working on ways to replace their limbs with cyborg arms for even faster and more technical Deathmetal. And I (vocals) have sobered up, but will never quit vomiting in hampers... With the success of our band, and the money bags under our beds, I have bought out, and am now overseeing the genetic engineering farm in South Park. I am makeing sure that nobody gets stuck with a bad product like we did... We have recorded an album at Flatline Audio with Dave Otero, and are currently looking to play a show on the moon..... Any labels interested in signing these old timers are welcome to contact us here on Ourspace... Thank you for your time and remember, ...Don't forget to drink your Ovaltine!
