Yes, I'm a snake handler, but not in that weird way. I have two baby pythons names Adam and Eve. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm actually really retarded and no one is telling me. Anyways, I'm currently on a quest to figure out if I actually should have another theme party this year for my birthday.(October 23rd yall!) Any comments about this subject would be greatly appreciated.
Things I plan to do before I die :
Go to Jerusalem and completely make out with that Western Wailing wall
Kiss someone randomly chosen from a retirement home. Full tongue
Enter a full professional poker tournament and do card tricks
Jet ski while jousting with beach umbrellas
Tell a gullible child that I've traveled through time to kill him before he becomes a hero
Chug a can of cold tomato soup and ride a roller coaster
Go grandma tipping
Get a mime hunting license
Travel from country to country poking the morbidly obese with a large "pokin' stick"
Become a camp counselor and do all sorts of wacky 80's stuff with women in tight tee shirts
Tell a blind kid that I'm juggling hampsters, then steal his ice cream
Dress up like a clown and knock on people's doors at midnight
Smoke a blunt with Whitney Houston
Crash a "Coping with Divorce" seminar and try to bust out with some smooth moves
Bake my underwear into a festive cake
Tell a toddler is jello is really made out of crushed unicorns
Hold a long conversation at the gym while winking and pointing to my crotch A LOT
Take a long satisfying dump in the ocean
Invite a group of homeless people to join me in an a Capella group and pay them in delicious ketchup packets
Drink myself sober
I enjoy wearing the same underwear till it's painful, mumbling incoherently, playing games at the fair against the mentally challenged, praying to the porcelain god at your house not cleaning up and climbing right back into bed with you, talking really close with whiskey breath and a beardy jaw, feeding seagulls alka seltzers, and spooning with your mom.
I like to gross you out by doing things like eating my own dandruff or scabs while you eat your Big Mac, pelvic thrusting in your face, performing the Vulcan neck pinch while you type on your computer, and give really girlie handshakes.
Just like D-Rock, I wanted to be a dinosaur when I was a kid, but the thing is, I kinda still do. I've spent 4 years at ETSU and miss my friends that have moved away. Lets see. The whole about me thing. I certainly hope you got some time. First off, children seem to trust me. What annoys me is when I'm walking through an open field or parking lot, and that "ghost like spider web" drapes against my forehead. I may grab a fly mid-air and hand it to you though it were a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I think the Metallica, "And Justice For All" album is the most beautifully recorded cd ever. I HATE Zepplin. I don't watch sports at all. I don't play poker either. I'd rather sit around and make fun of your mom. Sometimes, when it storms REALLY bad, I ask God to forgive me for my sins...just in case. I wear my contacts waaaay too long. I ran away from home to move to New York when I was seventeen. I eat very very sloppy for a germaphobe. I invest. I enjoy diagnosing ailments in people because I'm going to be a doctor someday. I have a very LARGE extensive collection of ties. I like dark beers so much that I stay away from them and drink tons of Miller Light but chug bottles of water during the day. I like making people laugh, especially my girlfriend so she'll like me more. I try not to EVER talk on the phone but to text folks instead. I am what you call a "Texter". Lesley, my number one on my list o' friends is too. Speaking of, my friends and I like to dress up and throw theme parties in which we drink beer and laugh and high five. I work out alot but have to have my IPOD playing oldschool Korn or Chevelle. I like jumping out from corners and scaring people. My favorite TV show is Man Vs. Wild or Malcolm in the Middle. I spend way too much time burning DVD's but horde them like a fucking rat as though I may become a quadriplegic and be really bored soon.
About Me :
My real name is Josh Maples but all the ladies call me, "Hey you, in the bushes!"
To get a quick idea, here are 67 things you may or may not know about me
1. I don't get to Myspace nearly as often as I want. I'm usually busy with work, school, studying, or pilfering through your top chest of drawers.
2. I'm typically an independent person. I shake my own hand and often pat myself on the back.
3. I'll sing with you in the car.
4. I have about fifty best friends.
5. Fart all you want around me cause I can't smell. God gave me this gift.
6. I like to order Miso soup so someone at the table will inevitably say "me so hoooorny"!
7. I am the master of useless knowledge that will someday win me a spot on Jeopardy.
8. I'm a Jew when it comes to saving money but will buy you a beer in a heartbeat.
Things I love :
9. Making plans to take over the world while pelvic thrusting
10. The feel of a Q-tip in my ear
11. Performing interpretive dances behind drunks and foreigners when they sing karaoke
12. Singing in the car with Geminis'
13. Girls with a lazy eye
14. Keeping my apartment feeling tropically warm
15. Myspace theme parties
16. Drinking
17. HAVING FUN
18 Tauruss' infinite knowledge of music
19. Being a Myspace whore
20. Singing Karaoke while pointing to people I don't know
21. Moonshine
22. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
23. Making funny cartoon voices like Shaggy, Mickey Mouse, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gomer Pyle, and the three stooges
24.Drinking on the porch with Lauren Wills and Kevin
25. Cooking for my very own Myspace friends
26. My dearly departed weebly wobbly table
27. Sluts.
28. The ocean
29. Bacon
30. Pretending I'm underage
31. My big screen
32. GOD (HE DA MAN, I would buy us matching hoodies if I could)
33. Giving lots of eye contact
34. I like my techno salad with bacon beats
35. I want me one of those slick EMO haircuts
36. My favorite Christmas drink is eggnog that is only made of Burbon and ice cubes.
37. Taking pictures like a Japanese tourist
38. Chinese buffets
39. Working out
40. EXTREME SARCASM
41. Coffee. I splash my face with it to wake up in the mornings. I'm absolutely in love with my coffee maker and will continue to be as long as it doesn't abuse our relationship. I often like to drink coffee before bed to have weird dreams.
42. I love having dreams about owning small fury animals cause it makes my infinite love for owning them even stronger.
43. Although I enjoy being in college, I hate it too. College just promotes more creative ways of cheating for me.
44. I enjoy traveling to different states every year to go to a festival called a National Rainbow Gathering, (No, it's not a gay event and we do not drink bleach and wait for comets to pass)
45. I love living in Tennessee and have almost mastered the art of Hillbilly lingo.
46. Adjusting the thermostat to a warmer setting
47. Enjoying good quality time with Fleur in Wisconsin back in 1985 (she knows what I mean)
48. Screaming out loud obscenities for no good reason in public like "GANGBANG" or "GERBIL"!
49. I always try to carry something in both hands at all times so if someone asks me to help them carry something, I can say, "Sorry, got my hands full"...
Things I hate :
50.I hate it when I text the word "don't" and it comes out as "foot" every single time
51. People that think they have "gaydar"
52. Math. Math automatically turns me into a narcoleptic making me pass out when the subject is introduced.
53. I dislike waking up thinking a dream really happened
54. The computer lab at school always being so freaking cold
55. How I'm always bumping into inanimate objects and still saying excuse me
56. Nick Nolte
57. Kenny G
58. A hair in my ice cube
59. How absolutely horrible I am with directions
60. When fear factor comes on while I'm eating
61. Unadulterated fingernails compiled in an ashtray
62. Excessive amounts of baby drool
63. "Mouth breathers"
64. Having these big huge ugly clown feet
65. When I finally get the taco I've been craving ALL day and someone wants a bite
66. Stupid people
67. I hate how long it's taking me to become a Nuclear Medicinologist
So, in conclusion, be nice to me. I will be your doctor in your local hospital someday, and if I don't like you, I'm sending you straight down to the Cath Lab.
