77652840 - ProfilesArchive

About Me

The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was an Aboriginal cannibal, who was raised by Koalas until the age of 12. Upon his first taste of chicken, he became a self-proclaimed anti-vegetarian and ate nothing but meat until his death at 31. My mother was a fifteen year old Cambodian prostitute named Candy with severe acne and a body odor reminiscent of Bea Arthur's bush. They met at the 1938 World's Fair in New York. My mother was selling hard-tack and swill, my father was "Racoon Boy" in the freak show. It was true love at first sight. Unfortunately, after the 13-Day reemergence of the Spanish inquisition, they were both drawn and quartered and thrown into an unmarked mass grave. The rest of my childhood is a bleak affair. After years of buggery and bootlegging, I eventually centered on a career in Sri Lanka, as a research biologist, manually masturbating monkeys for artificial incemination. Unfortunately, after a year, a severe and lethal form of athlete's foot took hold of the region, and within a week I was the only living man in 300 miles. I was all over the news. Katie Couric smiled at me. But all the fame and all the publicity, reporters hounding me outside my door for a full three hours-- it just got to me. I had to get away for a while. Plus, I had killed a man in a bar fight in Nebraska. So for the next 4 years I began a drug smuggling route across the border of Canada, importing marijuana and ecstasy. To this day all residents of Saskatchewan know me as "Monsieur Molta". Oh, and I got in the Guiness Book of World Records for world's longest pubic hair not on the testicles. And I think I might've put out a few albums, but that was during my oxycontin and underaged asian boy-sex stage. Thankfully, I don't remember much of it! I am now a chief advisor to Governor Sarah Palin.

My Blog

No internet again

Im sure it's obvious, but i have no nets right now. And no idea when Im going to be getting it back. So yeah... my digits be (901) 406-4438... if i dont pick up, txt and i'll get back to u. Best of ...
Posted by on Sun, 03 May 2009 00:08:00 GMT

Rejected by eHarmony!

So out of boredom and silliness, I decided to take eharmony's personality profile. And at the end of about 10 minutes worth of detailed questions it processed me, only to tell me that they can't help...
Posted by on Sun, 28 Dec 2008 01:51:00 GMT

This is why I hate sleep.

JULIA! His mind snaps awake, his body drenched in sweat. Sitting up, shaking off sleep, the sun has barely started to rise over the horizon. Who was Julia? He tries to remember. Something...
Posted by on Fri, 19 Dec 2008 13:33:00 GMT

Fucked up fever dreams...

So, I've been sick as a dog for days now. Fading in and out of half-delirious consciousness. So in my dreams last night, there's been a world update. And now there's these three, clo...
Posted by on Tue, 02 Dec 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Hey Republicans...

For all you crazy, bigoted, ultra conservative facists, who were so terrified that this muslim terrorist nigger was going to get elected:HA HA HA.Enjoy your new president.
Posted by on Wed, 05 Nov 2008 13:01:00 GMT

Nailin Paylin

Apparently, the day after the Republican National Convention, Larry Flynt, founder of Hustler Magazine put out an ad seeking any adult actresses baring (haha) a resemblance to our lovely VP candidate....
Posted by on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Welcome to World Depression II

Today, the Dow lost 10% in eight hours. That's 10% of one of the largest markets in the western world. And it dissappeared over the course of eight hours. And although I'd love to ...
Posted by on Mon, 29 Sep 2008 19:32:00 GMT

Three Cheers For Alcohol!!

Forgive Me Girls, You Have Confused MeThe good life, I'm doomed never to find.And if you take to me,I'd jump through high-wire hoops,to hold your melody.Take the yoke, and crash the sky,to find your e...
Posted by on Sun, 14 Sep 2008 06:22:00 GMT

Brought to you by Jay, the best and worst music ever...

Check it out at my multiply: http://jaytothez.multiply.comYeah, son.
Posted by on Wed, 10 Sep 2008 22:48:00 GMT

Well... I'm back.

The reports of my death have been severely exaggerated. After six months of living with a failing relationship I now live alone and once more have the internets. Sorry for any unresponded ...
Posted by on Thu, 04 Sep 2008 14:50:00 GMT