I am Nottingham, I live in the East Midlands which is right in the middle of England. I can't be like the other kids cause they're either Northern scumbags or Southern wankers, here in the midlands we're like forgotten, well, we're slightly more popular than East Anglia that's for sure. i get on well with my neighbours Derby* and Leicester, and to a lesser extent lincoln, but it's not like the good old days when we used to go skating down the trent together after watching Forest slay Europe with their fancy footwork and then all go back to our caves we had so expertly carved into the sandstone that the city was built on for a cup of tea and a scone, that's scone that rhymes with "yeah mon" not "shamone" to you sonny jim. dressed in lace i was, from head to toe, like a bride to be. till my mum told me to stop messing about in her wedding dress. * ok so maybe i'm exaggerating the love for Derby, we're sorta like brothers, but at my sister's wedding I was a bit juiced up after drinking too much acorn wine and ending up calling him a "Sheep Shagger". whoops! he didn't like that, especially after those charges had just so recently been dropped, and here i was bringing it back to life and back to reality. in a veiled reference to a Disney movie he retaliated with "fox fucker", but no one heard him, and the sheep shagger tag stuck. i still go visit him every now and again but, well he's well bitter about nottingham, i say "look does it really matter that much that we have the "East Midlands Today" studios here, you don't see leicester complaining do you?". he mumbled something under his breath as i walked out. "have them if you want!" I said "i don't care!".

we're number one?!?

so some haters has been saying that nottingham is now the worst city for crime. i didn't read the article but i think the jist is that some guy read an episode of the daily express and is now saying that we are crap at commiting crimes. Surely an insult to the burglers, murderers and crack-poppers of this city? I put the notion that Nottingham criminals are the worst in the country to resident John Johnson of Basford (aged 32). He had this to say;
"look man, us scumbags of Nottingham, this hurts us you know? sure we're not the best at crime, i mean we don't do over banks or try and kill the monarchy or anything, but when we're roaming round town on saturday night, looking to start a fight, well, to us, we feel like we're Don Corleone, the Kray Brothers or Kate Moss innit? you know some fucking glamourous criminal. But when we get told that we're just all crap at crime, then it hurts cause it makes us feel like pathetic shit-for-brains no hopers who leach off society like an ever expanding greasy boil of pus of the nose of a 18 year girl who's just about to go on a date with the cutest boy in school."
mixed metaphors aside, do you agree with this human embodiment of a mental acne scar? is Nottingham Crap at Crime? what can we do about it?
In other news, plans for the new market square have been leaked:
update october 06: so yeah on me travels i'm always hearing people going on about "nottingham this" and "nottingham that". i wasn't listening cause i was sitting on me own but you know how it is, you always hear you own name being talked about. i picked up my pint of Mansfield and walked over. "hey guys it's me!" i said, "Nottingham! home of robin hood (fuck off Yorkshire) and Sue pollard!, land of sandstone caves and failed dreams, place of uneasy affairs with the neighbour's middle aged wife! it's me guys!" i said beaming "i heard you talking about me, hope it's not anything bad!" and pulled a cheesy grin, a grin that i would come to look back on as stupid, i can't believe i did that stupid fucking grin.
they looked towards the floor or into their pints, silent. my grin turned into a look of puzzlement. "whats up guys?" i said slighlty sheepishly. peterborough mumbled.."well nottingham, it's just that well, yeah we were talking about you, about your crime, i mean you're not safe are you?"
"you fucking twofaced cunt!" i yelled and readied my glass. then i stopped "not now, nottingham, not now! don't let yourself down!" i calmed myself, "it's not all that bad guys, i mean come on it's the meadja innit?! yeah i've got some bad parts but don't we all?"
they were silent, almost fearful.
"I've got an ice arena, ice ARENA!...i'll let you come over and play on it" i was getting desperate now.
leicester looked worryingly towards the bar and made eye contact with the security. "get this nutter out of here, nottingham's a loose cannon, an embarrassment to themselves and to the country, a rogue city resting on former glories" his eyes seemed to say.
i left, my eyes welling up as i realised the truth. i couldn't believe that the bad apples i had eaten now lay inside of me causing havoc and meaningless violence to my intestines. those apples had made us a laughing stock of the nation. mardy apple wankers. not many people know this, but nottingham rests on a secret volcano (gives me terrible bowel problems, i was shitting liquids all last night). maybe i should unleash it and we'll start over, build a land of free love and tk maxx's.
as i came back last night i found they were still doing this goddam surgery on me heart, as someone got their skateboard lodged in the fountain (if i find that fucker i will shove a skateboard in their fountain). i woke up this morning and i was in pain. it wasn't till i looked in the mirror that i noticed a knife stuck in me left ear! there was vomit on my third nipple and someone had shat on me hamstring. now wait just a minute. there was shit on my leg. that is disgusting. the fountains had gone and so were the public toilets. i ran to mcdonalds and made my way to the plastic loos up the stairs. "excuse me sir, but are you a customer, as that is a customer's toilet only" said the paid help. "get lost you cunt" i said "i'm having a bad weekend".
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56%
Stability |||||| 30%
Orderliness |||||| 23%
Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 63%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70%
Mystical |||||||||||| 43%
Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Religious |||||| 30%
Hedonism |||||||||||| 50%
Materialism |||||||||||| 43%
Narcissism |||||||||||||| 56%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 43%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 70%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 50%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 63%
Romantic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Avoidant |||||||||||||| 56%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70%
Wealth |||||||||||| 50%
Dependency |||||||||||| 50%
Change averse |||||||||||| 50%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Sexuality |||||||||||| 50%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70%
Vanity |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Female cliche |||||||||||| 50% Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
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