-Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breafast and shits out a tool shed at lunch. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris also played the Black guy in Walker Texas Ranger. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a lighter weight and work his way up. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris masterbates with a sledgehammer. --------------------------------------------------------- -Sonic booms are really Chuck Norris’s orgasms. --------------------------------------------------------- -Godiva chocolate is made out of Chuck Norris’s shit. --------------------------------------------------------- -The foreskin from Chuck Norris’s penis is used to cover Yankee Stadium when it rains. --------------------------------------------------------- -When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. he then procedes to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter. --------------------------------------------------------- -We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat. ----------------------------------------------------------Ch uck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II†video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,†Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.†--------------------------------------------------------- -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,†and roundhouse kicked him in the face. --------------------------------------------------------- -Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. --------------------------------------------------------- -If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot. --------------------------------------------------------- -One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way†detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of courseâ€. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking. --------------------------------------------------------- -Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. --------------------------------------------------------- -Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill. --------------------------------------------------------- -When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com --------------------------------------------------------- -The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris’ penis. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. --------------------------------------------------------- -There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. --------------------------------------------------------- -When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,†and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.†--------------------------------------------------------- -The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist. --------------------------------------------------------- -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.†After you ask, “Two seconds to what?†he roundhouse kicks you in the face. --------------------------------------------------------- -When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking Indian. --------------------------------------------------------- -On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again." -------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.-Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer. --------------------------------------------------------- -Each individual hair in Chuck Norris' beard has a beard of its own. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't pluck up the courage to tell him --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris once knocked out Mike Tyson in a bare knuckle boxing match... with both hands tied behind his back. --------------------------------------------------------- -chuck norris frequently signs up for beginners karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh*t out of little kids. ---------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out fully solved. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris is said to have roundhouse kicked a McDonald's so hard that it became a Wendy's. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris is where babies come from. ------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris invented a language that uses kicks and punches. So if he kicks your ass, don't take it personally. He may just be trying to say that he likes your hat. --------------------------------------------------------- -When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -------------------------------------------------------- -On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over. ------------------------------------------------------ -Chuck Norris can divide by zero. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. -------------------------------------------------------- -Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. ----------------------------------------------------------Ch uck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. ----------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. ------------------------------------------------------ -Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. -------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. ------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. ------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement. ------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris -------------------------------------------------------- -To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. ------------------------------------------------------- -The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. --------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. ----------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. ----------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. ------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beardâ€. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. -------------------------------------------------------- -If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. ------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he needs and then he round house kicks them untill they explode. ------------------------------------------------------ -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. -------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booyaâ€. -------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. ---------------------------------------------------------- -Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. -------------------------------------------------------- -When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. -------------------------------------------------------- -After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humaneâ€. ------------------------------------------------------- -Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!†------------------------------------------------------- -The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,†and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. -------------------------------------------------------- -One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.