You want the truth?! You can|t handle the truth! Bah! I deprive you of your truth handling abilities!-----This one was put in a jacket, This one was sent home, This one was given bread and meat But would eat none, And this one cried No No No No All day long.This one looked at the window as though it were a wall, This one saw things that were not there, This one things that were, And this one cried No No No No All day long.This one thought himself a bird, This one a dog, And this one thought himself a man, An ordinary man, And cried and cried No No No No
All day long.- Donald Justice...-----God is dead - Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead - God Nietzsche is God - the deadI am made out of water. You wouldn't know it, because I have it bound in. My friends are made out of water, too. All of them. The problem for us is that not only do we have to walk around without being absorbed by the ground but we also have to earn our livings.All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; ...though I most definitely am.I can bend minds with my spoon.Conventional wisdom says to know your limits. To know your limits you need to find them first. Finding you limits generally involves getting in over your head and hoping you live long enough to benefit from the experience. That's the fun part.Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.Ignore reality. There's nothing you can do about it.It's a biiiig mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something.For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say: Think again, bat man.Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says: 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.I am diagonally parked between two parallel universes!Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?I doubt therefore I might be.Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.And he disappeared in a puff of logic.Nearly everything you read signed "from God" is just somebody putting their words in My mouth.Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELate one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted: I am Napoleon! Another one said: How do you know? The first inmate said: God told me! A voice from another room shouted: I did NOT!Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the opinion or policy of his employer or of the little green men that have been following him all day.None of the ideas expressed above are actually mine. They are told to me by Luthor and Ferdinand, the five inch tall space aliens who live under my desk. In return for these ideas, I have given them permission to eat any dust bunnies they may find under there.Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise.Of all the things I've loved and lost, I miss my mind the most...Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...All right! I know I'm in there! If I don't come out with my hands up, I'm coming in after me!In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects.I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.I have no problem with you talking to yourself, just as long as it doesn't turn into an argument.Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.You are just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.People will believe anything if you whisper it.A language is a dialect with an army.Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. But crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just crazy.A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.How to become immortal: Read this text tomorrow and follow it's advice!"Invisible Dave and Pelican Bob think that they are real people, but they are actually only figments of my imaginaition." - Larry the EmuSometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised with miniatuer schnauzers.In space, no one can hear your teddy bear scream.No one suspects the butterfly!If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue?This is the 21th century, you don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.Yes, it was big. And ugly. And smelly. But none of that was important, because it was my big, ugly, smelly thing that I had found at the landfill and no one could take it away from me. Unless they felt like it.You can't go saying "everybody's got a waterbuffalo!" Everyone does NOT have a waterbuffalo! We're going to get nasty letters saying "Where's MY waterbuffalo? Why don't I have a waterbuffalo?" Are you prepared to deal with that? I didn't think so!If you look deep enough into any person's soul, you can see the emu within them struggling to get out. Actually, most people don't have emus in their souls. Just me.Sanity is not my strong point.This has been brought to you by The Parroting Puppet Gangster Communist Computer God Slave Murder Incorporated Poison Tipped Frankenstein Eyesight Television Earphone Radio Spewing Deadly Touch Tabun Nerve Gas Mind Control Extermination Conspiracy. - "Your only hope for a future."Polar bears' livers [and penguins'] contain dangerous [lethal] levels of Vitamin A. Do not eat them. The other bits are fine to eat and the pelt makes a warm, fashionable item of clothing. Killing bears with anything but your bare hands is considered weak. Useful Tip No5 from the Scram book of Useful Tipshiihh arrrh uhhMeap!still looking for infernal (in)sanityThe surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact usPrang-nuts is prang-nuts, right? Whether you find 'em inna woods, or they're dispensed by a autofeeder.Please insert coin and play over.Laughter is the true seriousness that destroys all false seriousness.Killer bunnies have long memoriesDon't take my word for it.....you'll see. One fine morning, you'll wake up with a sharp pain in the neck and an excellent view of the bottoms of your feet.If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught, then lie."Anarchy is better than no government at all." - Samuel Langhorne Clemens"Paranoia is merely a heightened state of awareness." - Oscar WildeI think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.We Are ALL One, whether you like it or not!Sure, it could be windows is actually a living organism, and can('t) be 'tamed'
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