TRAPJAW

ALRIGHT MUSH?! HOW YOU DOIN'? I'M TRAPJAW. YOU MAY REMEMBER ME FROM MY ADVENTURES WITH THAT SON OF A BITCH HE-MAN (NAH, ONLY KIDDIN'! HE WAS ALRIGHT REALLY!!) WHAT? YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ME? YOUR 'AVIN' A LAUGH MATE?! I WAS THE BLUE ONE WITH A GUN FOR AN ARM AND A BEARTRAP FOR A GOB!! WHAT? STILL NOT CLICKING?! OH WELL, SOD YOU THEN, I'LL CONTINUE ANYWAY!! I KNOW I'VE DISAPPEARED FROM PUBLIC VIEW FROM A WHILE BUT I'M BACK AND TRYING TO MAKE A COMEBACK, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, YOU HEARD CORRECTLY, A COMEBACK!! I'VE BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR A WHILE AND NEED TO GET THINGS BACK ON TRACK AGAIN.... IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO SINCE I'VE BEEN AWAY THEN ALLOW ME TO FILL YOU IN......AFTER THE SECOND SERIES OF HE-MAN FINISHED BACK IN 1985, WE WERE MAJOR CELEBS, LOADS OF PARTYING, SIGNINGS, P.A'S, PHOTO SHOOTS, THE LOT, WE LIVED LIKE KINGS, KINGS I'LL TELL YOU!! EVERYTHING WAS LOVELY! THE GANG (MYSELF, SKELETOR, EVIL LYNN, BEASTMAN AND LEECH) WERE ALL CLOSE, WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER, NEVER EVER APART. WE PARTIED UNTIL THE EARLY HOURS PRACTICALLY EVERYNIGHT...I REMEMBER ONE TIME WHEN BEASTMAN THREW THIS CRAZY POOL PARTY AT HIS PLACE...WE PARTIED FOR LIKE 3 DAYS STRAIGHT AND WAS SO WASTED BY THE END OF IT THAT MY JAW HAD COMPLETELY RUSTED UP AND EVIL LYNN HAD TO HAVE HER STOMACH PUMPED BECAUSE OF ALCOHOL POISONING! THERE WERE MIDGETS WAITERS IN TUXES JUST HANDING OUT DRINKS TO ANYONE WHO HAD AN EMPTY GLASS!! THAT WAS CRAZY MATE LOL!! I WAS 20 AND IN THE PRIME OF MY LIFE!! THINGS COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER!! I WAS MINTED AND I WAS DOING SOMETHING I LOVED!!THAT'S WHEN IT ALL STARTED GOING DOWNHILL.......THE GANG HAD STARTED TO BECOME BIG-HEADED OFF OF THEIR FAME, AND AS IT ALWAYS DOES, EGOS TOOK OVER!! SKELETOR WAS THE WORST. HE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT BECAUSE HE WAS THE LEADER OF THE GANG IN THE SHOW THAT MEANT IT SHOULD BE THE SAME OFF SCREEN TOO. IN A HEINOUS ACT HE FIRED OUR MANAGER (ALRIGHT HORDAK?!) AND STARTED TRYING TO TAKE CREATIVE CONTROL OF WHAT WE DID AND WHEN WE DID IT. NOW I WAS NEVER REALLY ONE FOR ROCKING THE BOAT TOO MUCH SO I JUST KINDA SAT BACK AND LET IT HAPPEN, OTHERS IN THE GANG HOWEVER DIDN'T TAKE TOO KINDLY TO THIS HAPPENING!! WE ENDED UP WORKING MORE AND MORE AND PARTYING LESS AND LESS BECAUSE OF THE NEW SKELETOR REGIME, AND THIS WOUND LEECH UP SOMETHING PROPER! LEECH WAS ALWAYS THE EXCESSIVE ONE YOU SEE, AND THE MORE WE PARTIED, THE MORE WE DRUNK, THE MORE LEECH WOULD WANT! SOMETIMES HE'D DRINK SO MUCH THAT HE'D STOP BREATHING AND WE'D HAVE TO GIVE HIM MOUTH TO MOUTH (TRY GIVING MOUTH TO MOUTH TO A 6 FOOT 5 INCH LEECH, NOT THE NICEST EXPERIENCE I'LL TELL YOU!!) AFTER A COUPLE OF MONTHS OF SKELETORS BOSSING AROUND, LEECH HAD HAD ENOUGH, HE CONFRONTED SKELETOR AND AFTER A HEATED DEBATE, SKELETOR SMACKED HIM RIGHT IN THE CHOPS! LEECH QUICKLY GOT UP AND WENT FOR SKELETOR WITH HIS SUPER SUCKING MOUTH ACTION, HE MANAGED TO LATCH ON TO SKELETORS FACE AND WE COULDN'T GET HIM OFF FOR LOVE NOR MONEY, WELL NOT UNTIL EVIL LYNN KICKED HIM IN THE BOLLOCKS!! HE SOON SHIFTED THEN!! AFTER A FEW EVIL GLANCES AND A LONG EXHANGE OF CURSES THEY CALMED DOWN AND SORTED OUT THEIR DIFFERENCES, THINGS WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME AFTER THAT NIGHT THOUGH!! SO THERE WE WERE WORKING OUR ASSES OFF, EARNING A SHED LOAD OF WEDGE BUT NEVER GETTING TIME TO SPEND IT. EVIL LYNN WAS DOING CALENDER SHOOTS, LADS MAG SHOOTS, CAR SHOWS, ANYTHING WHERE SHE COULD SHOW OFF A BIT OF SKIN. BEASTMAN WAS DOING P.A AFTER P.A. SKELETOR WAS MAKING IT REALLY BIG AS AN AFTER DINNER SPEAKER AND WAS GOING AROUND UNIVERSITYS AND COLLEGES EXPLAINING THE KEYS TO OUR SUCCESS TO STUDENTS (BLOODY STUDENTS!! I HATE STUDENTS!! ALWAYS WANT SOMETHING FOR NOTHING!!) LEECH HAD HIS OWN POPULAR RANGE OF SEAFOOD PRODUCTS THAT WERE FLYING OFF THE SHELVES AND I WAS DOING A BIT OF EVERYTHING REALLY. AFTER 6 MONTHS OF CONSTANT WORKING WE WERE BURNT OUT, AND THIS CAUSED ANOTHER RIFT BECAUSE BEASTMAN HAD ASKED TO GET SOMETIME OFF BECAUSE HE'D BEEN WRITTEN OFF WORK BY HIS DOCTOR WITH STRESS. SKELETOR WEREN'T HAVING ANY OF IT THOUGH AND AFTER YET ANOTHER HEATED ROW AND A BLAZING PUNCH UP, BEASTMAN WALKED OFF CLAIMING THAT HE'D "HAD ENOUGH" AND WASN'T "DOING THIS ANYMORE", HE NEVER DID.... THE WHOLE OF ETERNIA WAS SHOCKED AND IT WAS FRONT PAGE HEADLINES FOR A GOOD FEW DAYS AFTER, WE HAD NEWS CAMERAS FOLLOWING US EVERYWHERE TRYING TO GET THE SCOOP ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED BUT SKELETOR SWORE US TO SECRECY AND WE JUST CARRIED ON AS IF NOTHING HAD EVER HAPPENED.TWO YEARS AFTER THE FINAL SHOW, IT WAS 1987 AND WE HAD WORKED FOR PRETTY MUCH TWO YEARS STRAIGHT, THE PROBLEM THAT WE WERE FINDING NOW WAS THAT WE WERE YESTERDAYS NEWS AND LESS AND LESS PEOPLE WANTED TO USE US. LYNNS SHOOTS DRIED UP, LEECH'S SEAFOOD EMPIRE WAS GOING BELLY UP VERY QUICKLY, SKELETOR WAS PERCEIVED IN THE MEDIA AS A "ROUGH BULLY BOY" AND NO ONE WANTED HIM TO GIVE HIS FAMOUS SPEECHES ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THIS AND I WAS JUST GENERALLY LOSING ALL INTEREST IN THE BUSINESS THAT I ONCE LOVED....THINGS WERE TERRIBLE....THEY COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE, SO WE ALL CALLED A MEETING AND DESCIDED THAT THE BEST WAY TO GO WAS TO JUST GENERALLY DUCK OUT OF THE LIMELIGHT AND START TO LIVE OUR LIVES IN PEACE. WELL EVERYONE LIKED THIS IDEA EXCEPT SKELETOR, HE HAD BECOME POWER MAD AND MONEY HUNGRY AND WAS BY NO MEANS READY TO GIVE EVERYTHING UP, HE SWORE TO CONTINUE EVEN IF WE WOULDN'T. WE TRIED TO TALK HIM OUT OF IT BUT SKELETOR IS HARD HEADED AND WASN'T HAVING ANY OF IT. AFTER TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF TRYING WE GAVE UP AND WENT OUR OWN WAYS.I TOOK THIS TIME TO RELAX, TO CHILL OUT, TO TRY AND DO NOTHING EXCEPT LIVE IN PEACE AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE. EVERYTHING WAS LOVELY FOR ABOUT EIGHTEEN MONTHS AFTER THAT, I'D GOT MYSELF A NICE PLACE (HAD A SWIMMING POOL AND ALL THAT!!) GOT A NICE COUPLE OF MOTORS AND I WAS FULL OF ENERGY. AHHHH YES! LIFE WAS BLINDING!! ALL UNTIL ONE DAY....I FOUND OUT THAT ADAM AND TEELA WERE GETTING MARRIED AND I GOT INVITED TO THEIR WEDDING, EVERYONE WAS THERE - MAN AT ARMS, ORKO, CRINGER, RAM MAN, THE SORCERESS EVEN KING RANDOR AND QUEEN MARLENA!! WE HAD A PROPER GOOD TIME, THEY HIRED OUT THE TOWN HALL AND GOT IN A DISCO AND WE HAD A BLINDING SHINDIG! IT WAS DURING THIS WEDDING I MET THEIR BRIDESMAID SHE-RA, NOW I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS PRETTY FIT BUT WHAT WITH ME HAVING ONE ARM AND A RAZOR SHARP JAW, I NEVER THOUGHT I HAD A CHANCE!! WRONG!! SHE-RA HAD BEEN DRINKING PERNOD AND LEMONADE ALL NIGHT AND WAS QUITE WANKERED IF I'M BEING HONEST, WHEN SUDDENLY SHE CAME ON TO ME. NOW MY GENERAL APPEARANCE SEEMED TO PUT THE LADIES OFF ME SO I WASN'T GONNA TURN THIS DOWN AT ALL (PLUS I'D BEEN DRINKING LAGER ALL NIGHT ANYWAY AND WAS PRETTY WANKERED MYSELF! LOL) AFTER SOME QUALITY TONGUE ACTION, WE BOTH WENT BACK TO MINE, WELL SHE ENDED UP STAYING THE NIGHT (NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK!! ;)) AND TO MY SURPRISE SHE WAS STILL THERE IN THE MORNING!! I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY LUCK!! SHE THEN TOLD ME THAT SHE WANTED TO CONTINUE SEEING ME BUT WE HAD TO KEEP IT QUIET, BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT THE MEDIA ALL OVER OUR CASE. I AGREED AND WE STARTED SEEING EACH OTHER. AFTER ONE AND A HALF YEARS TOGETHER WE GOT MARRIED OURSELVES (WE TRIED TO INVITE THE GANG BUT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAME WAS BEASTMAN), SHE WAS NOW MRS SHE-RA JAW AND WE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANY HAPPIER. THINGS WERE GREAT FOR ABOUT THREE YEARS AND THEN IT STARTED TO GET A BIT ROCKY (WELL OK, NOT A BIT, SHE WAS A BITCH!!) SHE-RA DESPERATELY WANTED A BABY BUT AFTER YEARS OF LIVING NEAR THAT RADIO-ACTIVE RIVER NEAR SNAKE MOUNTAIN, MY LITTLE SOLDIERS WEREN'T MARCHING SHALL WE SAY. AFTER FINDING THIS OUT SHE BECAME SERIOUSLY DEPRESSED AND BECAME HOOKED ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. LIFE WAS HELL!! SHE WAS MOODY, SHE WAS PHYSICALLY AGGRESSIVE AND WOULD REGULARLY HIT OUT AT ME (IT'S NOT EASY TO DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST A WILD SUPERWOMAN WHEN YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE ARM!!) THEN ONE DAY SHE HIT OUT AT ME AND WHILE TRYING TO DEFEND MYSELF, I PISTOL WHIPPED HER WITH MY DODGY ARM AND CUT OPEN HER FOREHEAD (D'OH!!). I WAS ALL OVER THE PAPERS THE NEXT DAY, HAD NEWS CAMERAS AT MY DOOR AND WAS HATED BY EVERYONE IN ETERNIA. SHE EVENTUALLY DIVORCED ME AND TOOK HALF MY FORTUNE AND ALSO A VERY CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF CONPENSATION FOR HER INJURY (WHERE THERE IS BLAME, THERE IS A CLAIM AS THEY SAY!!) I WAS SCREWED, I WAS PRACTICALLY BROKE WITH NO WORK ON THE HORIZON AND WITH PLENTY OF BILLS TO PAY!! I HAD TO FIND WORK AND FAST!! BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN FOR A LONG TIME.......NO SHOP WANTED TO HIRE ME BECAUSE I'D SCARE AWAY THE CUSTOMERS, NO WAREHOUSE WOULD HIRE ME BECAUSE I ONLY HAD ONE ARM, I COULDN'T EVEN BECOME A STREET ENTERTAINER BECAUSE MY GUN WOULD GO OFF AND SCARE THE POOR PEOPLE SHITLESS!! SO I DID WHAT ANY DESPERATE ETERNIAN WOULD DO.....HOLD UP A BANK!! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD IDEA!! GOT SENT DOWN FOR 10 YEARS (D'OH AGAIN!!) WELL AS THEY SAY I DID THE CRIME, SO I DID THE TIME (WITH MINIMAL BUMMING I MAY ADD!!) AND I'M OUT NOW LOOKING FOR MY NEXT BIG BREAK, WHAT IT MAY BE? WHO KNOWS? BUT ONE THINGS FOR CERTAIN, IT'S GONNA BE A PAIN IN THE ARSE WAITING!! SO DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SPARE CHANGE?