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I simultaneously defy and enforce physics. I'm the mumbling in your head while you're crunching the numbers. I am the apparitions, ticks, gut wrenching, suspicion and glee too. I am the flash in the camera; the grit in the oyster of life. I am the key to the lock of your house. I am the misled youth. That was me in the corner, and that was also me in the spotlight. I believe I was muttering something about having misplaced my religion. I'm the reason you rolled a nineteen for charisma, the cat's meow, your least favorite aunt. Touch me and I'll touch you. Watch me and I'll watch you. You once tried to call me and the line was busy, but that was actually just me making busy signal noises with my mouth. If you would have called back I would have cooked you some pasta. I knit bones, not scarves. Everything in moderation, including moderation. What you're looking for right now is going to evade you forever. I was about a week late, and totally skint when I eventually arrived. I don't live in St. Louis, but if I did, you could meet me there. Fish don't speak but squirrels do. It all depends on your longitude. You should start from the beginning, but ignore the prequels. I like make believe vampires, but the real ones scare me. I don't care too much for your boss and the fact that you're starting to resemble her. You should work on that. A thesaurus is not a dinosaur. You'll find me to be very reasonable if you'd just give me a chance. In the past fifteen years I have been described as many things, pigeonholed, classified, categorized, filed, stapled, stamped, posted and so on, ergo I have numerous piercings in my ears, and one in my nose where the man at the desk's fingers slipped. You can paint me by numbers. You can talk about me to your shrink. My real name is Jane; plain Jane. You can consume me up to three times daily but you shouldn't ever exceed twelve doses in a four day period, unless you have a note from your mother. I abhor diets. I believe in the idea of the perfect word. You should ask me if you don't know what this means. If I was a Sim, the diamond above my head would change according to my mood, and not simply remain green. I am medicine or I am poison. You determine the dosage. Here follows a word of caution: If you try putting the shoe on the other foot, you will end up walking funny. Don't do it. Empathy is an ability acquired with experience; I lack the acquisition skills necessary to develop this capacity further, but at least I can walk in a straight line. I don't need to be reminded of what I resemble. I, like, totally think sideways motorcycle helmets are all the rage, now that sideways trucker's hats are out. Modern life is rubbish. I'm the match that wouldn't light. I am the June criminal. I am Twenties Berlin, Thirties Harlem, Forties London, Fifties New York, Sixties Brighton, Seventies LA, Eighties Manchester. I am Rakelane circa 1992. I am a real, live, fleshy human being attempting to recreate the sounds of my collective unconscious in real life. I am a soul whose intentions aren't always good, and I am inevitably going to be misunderstood. I am a deviation, I am a parody, I am a distraction. I bang the drum. If I was a poem, I probably wouldn't rhyme. You did not look fitter in your MySpace picture. If I was a prodigious musical talent, I'd put out my own records. My feet are excessively large, hence my square-like shape when I stand up. I speak in binary code. I'm in the market for an A-Team van. Actually, I'm in the market for pretty much everything. I strive for muzak and custom made slip n' slides. I write under pseudonyms. I play for keeps. My grass is always greenest. My hair is unkempt. I am an individual, just like everybody else.
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