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Born in Leicester UK in 1961, the same year that Ernest Hemingway stopped writing books by trying out a shotgun on his tonsils. It was also the year the farthing ceased to be legal tender. That was a coin worth about the same as an inch of string, but as big as a dustbin lid. In 1961 wallets were very large, some of them were carried on the backs of donkeys. My parents were rich. They had two donkeys, one of them was solar powered and very cheap to run. The other one just ate carrots and farted. My early school years were spent in a small petting zoo, where visitors would throw pork pies at my unusually large head. It was a wonderful time full of happy beatings and unnatural experiments on my fellow pupils. Some have grown up to be cabinet ministers and others are drooling cabbages with no bladder control. The only difference between them is income. I consider my time at the petting zoo, to be a triumph. From there I attend St Crippins Academy of Aberrant Technology, where I won a first for creating the world's first portable battery powered bulldog clips, a big seller in the Middle Eastern torture business, and a second for writing the 1st draft script of East Enders. From there it was broadcasting for me! After several years at Britains finest broadcasting intuition, I finally escaped and became a commercial radio disc jockey. I currently pretend I'm competent between 3 and 7 weekdays on Coventry and Warwickshire's Classic Gold 1359. The rest of the time....Im drunk.