JERRY

I'm a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice with my bare hands. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Ocassionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike kazoo playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty minute brownines in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play blue-grass cello. I was scouted by ManU. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I eat meat. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish the entire dining room that evening.Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery on myself, and I have spoken with Elvis....anything else just ask!